one-night stand

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
one-night stand
11
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:23am

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We live together. Last winter we were fighting so bad that he ended up leaving and moving back in with his parents. We were still technically "together" but the relationship was really strained. He moved back in with me not long ago.

A few months before he moved back in I was out at a bar with friends and ended up going home with a guy who worked there. My boyfriend was away with his friends that night (after cancelling plans with me). I ended up having sex with this guy. At the time my relationship with my boyfriend (who is the only person besides this one that I have ever slept with) was so bad that I didn't feel even a little guilty. I actually felt relieved to know what it was like to have sex with another guy (and I actually did NOT enjoy it). Now, my relationship with my boyfriend is much better.

I am experiencing overwhelming guilt. I feel like I want to tell my boyfriend but I also feel that it would not do any good to tell him. He will only get upset and possibly break up with me for good (I have cheated in the past but never intercourse). I do not want to mess up my life with him as we will probably get married. I really hate this feeling and need some advice. Do I try to risk everything and tell him to make myself feel better or do I just leave it alone? The times that I have almost told him he says things like, "oh no did you kiss someone?" He would never imagine I would actually have sex with someone else. I keep telling myself that it meant nothing and have been trying to put it out of my head (I did use protection and just in case I have recently gotten tested for stds and aids but haven't gotten the results back). I just feel horrible and wish I could turn back time. I'm mad at my friends for even letting me go with that guy. I never saw or heard from the guy again. What should I do? I appreciate any advice, I am really have a ton of anxiety over this. Thank you so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: tinap2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:55am

>>(I have cheated in the past but never intercourse).<<

To paraphrase Shakespeare-- Get thee to a counselor.

You have a history of cheating (albeit one time sexually) on your boyfriend. You need to figure out why. You need to figure out why you choose that route of coping instead of a healthier one. And couples counseling would be a good idea too, to have outside (qualified) input as to what has been going wrong in your relationship and how to permanently fix it. Otherwise I worry that you will just keep repeating the mistakes you've made already. Good luck!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: tinap2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:21am

I strongly agree with Jen -- you need to figure out why you keep cheating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: tinap2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 12:34pm

I agree with the others....your coping skills are the issue.

In addition, you are under no obligation to tell him and telling him will almost certainly not help the relationship in the short term (although it may relieve some of your guilt), but longer term, I would hate to start a marriage holding onto that guilt. Furthermore, what happens when this guy suddenly shows up, even if by accident, or somehow the word gets back to your now husband. It seems to me then it is gonna be far more potentially devastating than if you come clean, admit it was a mistake, and show you are working on resolving the underlying issues. If he can't accept that, then it is better to know that before you are married then have him find out after.

Also be careful about jumping into marriage with this guy....living together was a disaster before and he has only been back living with you a short time so there is a very good chance that he is on his best behavior and the "real" him (and you for that matter)may be back soon. Of course there is a chance that you have resolved the past issues, I am only suggesting that you be careful to make sure.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: tinap2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:42pm

tinap2006,


<<

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tinap2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:03am
Welcome to the board Tinap2006 ~


I agree 100% with everything you've been told. You recognize that you have a history of cheating, but don't seem to realize that by having intercourse it doesn't mean the cheating you did before wasn't so bad, and you've only cheated bad once, it means that you have a history of cheating and the cheating is escalating.


I agree with Jen recommendation, that you not tell your boyfriend and seek individual counseling to take a look at why you cheat. Once you've resolved your issues and your counselor/therapist says your ready, then move on to couples counseling with your boyfriend.


You've got some issues within yourself that need to be resolved; confessing to your boyfriend may ease your guilt, but at his expense. Dumping that load on him won't do him any good, but it will put a heavy weight on him. Work with a therapist before deciding to saddle your boyfriend with this.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: tinap2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 5:53am

you write: " I keep telling myself that it meant nothing and have been trying to put it out of my head"

how's that working for you? Doesn't seem too well from what you've written. I disagree with you: it did mean something: it meant a secret weapon in your arsenal with which to devistate him when you two head back towards those horrible arguements which drove you two apart.

you write: " I'm mad at my friends for even letting me go with that guy. "

What do your friends have to do with a choice you willingly made, especially when you say: "I actually felt relieved to know what it was like to have sex with another guy." ? You got something out of it at the time. Take responsibility for the consequences of the actions YOU chose to take. You are not a child. Your friends aren't your parents. Those days of you needing a chaperone because you're too young to discern right from wrong are over.

The fact of the matter is: you did it because you wanted to do it. You've cheated in the past because you wanted to do it. No one twisted your arm behind your back and made you leave the bar with him. At any time before you walked through his front door, you could have said "no". You chose not to.

re: telling him: I think you should talk with a therapist first to figure out exactly why you choose to cheat... it sounds as if you do it for emotional validation because you don't feel that you get that from him--or he's hurt your feelings to the point where you're only interested in striking back in the most effective way you know--and that is to sully that which he thinks is exclusive to him alone so he looks like a fool in your eyes. Sort of like an equalizer for you. After you've been in therapy for a few months, you and your therapist can talk about the wisdom of telling him what you've done.

IMO, you should own what you did and take your lashings for it. You were grown enough to do it, why aren't you grown enough to face the consequences for doing it? You'd learn a whole lot more about yourself by taking that responsibility for the damage you've caused than by being guilt-ridden for the next however many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: tinap2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 8:34am
I think counseling is best for you. if you don't admit to your boyfriend all the things you did, you might constantly wonder if he's lying about not ever cheating on you because you know that you lied to him. The right thing to do is suggest couples counseling to him first for your current issues, go to the counselor for yourself anyway. Telling him would be fair to him.Though you will risk everything doing that. Why try working it out while having so many hidden secrets?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
In reply to: tinap2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 1:00pm

Totally disagree. Dumping this on him is not helpful to him. At this point all it will do is alleviate her guilt and that's not fair to him. It'll also bring up a lot of problems that she's not equipped to deal with right now. She needs counseling first.

Couples counseling is NOT appropriate now. She needs to deal with her own issues before she'll be able to deal with the issues that were caused by her issues. SHE can't be addressed in couples counseling. It's not appropriate now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: tinap2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:39pm
i guess that does make sense. I do agre with your opinion, but somehow find it hard to deal with the fact that she may continue a relatioship with him and not tell him the truth about what she has done. Tell him later??? If she does that the problem will be worse and he may feel she wasted his time in not just telling him right away if he couldn't accept it. Or don't tell him ever?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
In reply to: tinap2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 3:39pm
The act is already done and in the past,she already didn't tell him "right away". At this point she has a history of cheating and isn't taking responsibility for her actions. She can't say why she's cheating and she certainly can't say it won't happen agian. Nobody told her not to tell him period. They said for her to get therapy, which will give her the understanding and knowledge she needs to make an intelligent decision as to whether to tell him or not.

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