online dating websites--innocent or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
online dating websites--innocent or not?
5
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 5:37pm

So I met my boyfriend online when I first moved to a new state. I had never done the online dating thing, but my roommate cohearsed me into it. I have to admit it was kind of fun, but I did not think that anything serious would come of it. After awhile, my current boyfriend sent me an email and we began talking. We talked for about two months and finally met up for dinner, and then spent the next night hanging out as well. I went home for the holidays and we talked for hours each day of the two weeks I was home.

When I returned he and I began our relationship during a very trying time for him. His grandmother died and he was stressed out about work and life in general. This said, things with us were very good.

In early May out of the blue he called on Friday evening and said he wanted to talk. That he thought something was missing. We talked and he made the decision we would just be friends. I was mortified. Not only because I cared for him so much, but also because he really did not give any plausible reason for the breakup. He said he thought he was not "giving me what I needed." I left after crying for some time and went home. I spent the next day with friends and to my surprise he left a message that night on my phone. I called back and he said that he had "overreacted," that he wanted to be with me. What is this all about I thought?

Anyways, I recently moved closer to him, and we spend almost all our time together other than when we are at work. Unfortunately, I recently found out that he signs on to black planet daily conversing with people. He doesn't know I know he does this. Could this be completely innocent or should I be worried? Things seem to be really good. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship than why is he not just ending it? For what reason is he hanging on if he is "still looking" if that's what he's doing?

Deep in my heart I do not feel that he has or would cheat on me, but it still makes me sick to think he is on a dating website, in which he has a profile and it says that he is single (he is off the one we met on). What do I do? Am I wrong to stay with him if everything else is ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:05pm
I don't know the website, but if this is really a site that's just for on-line dating and he is either paying to maintain a membership, or he is chatting with women on there behind your back then I really doubt it is innocent. Many men use these sites either to get some action on the side, or to keep their options open and see who else is out there. Either way, not a good scenerio.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:13pm
you do not have to pay for this website, and he is in the community section he does not have a dating profile, he just has a profile. There are articles and news on the site as well, just to clarify.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:44pm
If it's a website that people can go to just to chat about news and stuff, then he could well be logging on for things like that. If he's never given you a reason to doubt his fidelity before, I don't think you should assume he's doing anything wrong just because of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:32am

Blackplanet may have articles, but what you said is that he's conversing with people there daily. It seems like you've thrown out the question and concern as to what's going on, but are defending suggestions that his actions may be less than good. The fact is, it's not a good situation and most likely his actions aren't innocent, but I think you really know that, don't you? Do you have an agreement to see only each other?


You met him on a dating site, so you know he's used them before. That means it's entirely possible that he uses the sites to scope out girls. He attempted a break up with you, then backed off. There has to be something behind his coming out of the blue with that; you don't just decide to break up with someone without there being some problems or reasons behind it and "overreacting" doesn't make sense. He may not be ending your relationship because he wants to keep a girl on the hook until he has something better lined up. It would be far from the first time that's happened. I'm sure you're not at all happy with what I've suggested is possible, but it all adds up.


What you know for a fact is this:



  • There are some major problems or he wouldn't have done the whole break up scene. If you two are continuing like everything's just fine, you're avoiding reality. Issues don't appear and disappear, they have to be worked through or they don't go away.
  • He's conversing with people online without informing you. Assuming you have an agreement to be exclusive with each other, the fact that he's doing it without informing you says he's not being upfront and honest and isn't honoring your relationship. I really doubt he talking to guys on the site, it doesn't appear to be that kind of "friends" site.


    Your choices are to continue to avoid the issue and wonder what's happening or you can confront the issue with him. Whatever you do, I'd suggest, keeping your common sense and rational thinking fully engaged at all times. It may be tempting to try to convince yourself it's all innocent, but if it's not, pretending it is won't change reality.


    Why haven't you asked him about it?









  • "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:36am

    Honey, read the title to your post "online dating sites".

    Peace,

    Di

    ***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***