Opinion on problem
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Opinion on problem
| Thu, 08-03-2006 - 10:09pm |
Hi
I am new to this board and not sure of how to start. 1 1/2 years ago my husband and I had a son. He is a beautiful little boy and I just love him. I love my husband also, but I have no desire to be intimate or have sex with him. I continually become very upset or angry with him for no particular reason - usually some slight thing, like not geting where we need to go fast enough. We hardly talk about anything important. In my mind I criticize everything that he does, with our son and around the house. I am not sure what to do. I had been to talk to someone a few months ago, but never went back. My husband didn't think that we had any problems, not even when I had started screaming at him one morning for not getting up to see his son and I off to work and daycare. At that point, I called my dr for an appt to discuss my problem. I truly think that there is something wrong with me. We have maybe had sex about 5 times since I became pregnant with my son. He did not want to really touch me when I was first pregnant and then as time went on, this became the norm. We did try, but because he had not wanted to at all, it did not work out very well. I have told him that I just don't have the feeling to want to have sex, and he thinks that I should help him out. I don't think that he understands that I really don't want to be like that right now. I know that I need to go and talk to someone about everything - but I needed to "talk" to someone now. It is hard when you feel out of control. We don't talk about anything meaningful, he start a converstation by saying we almost needed to buy a new car - then pauses (for effect?) before continuing. Instead of just saying "A car cut me off today - it was pretty close". I am sorry, I am rambling, my frustration is coming through. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you
I am new to this board and not sure of how to start. 1 1/2 years ago my husband and I had a son. He is a beautiful little boy and I just love him. I love my husband also, but I have no desire to be intimate or have sex with him. I continually become very upset or angry with him for no particular reason - usually some slight thing, like not geting where we need to go fast enough. We hardly talk about anything important. In my mind I criticize everything that he does, with our son and around the house. I am not sure what to do. I had been to talk to someone a few months ago, but never went back. My husband didn't think that we had any problems, not even when I had started screaming at him one morning for not getting up to see his son and I off to work and daycare. At that point, I called my dr for an appt to discuss my problem. I truly think that there is something wrong with me. We have maybe had sex about 5 times since I became pregnant with my son. He did not want to really touch me when I was first pregnant and then as time went on, this became the norm. We did try, but because he had not wanted to at all, it did not work out very well. I have told him that I just don't have the feeling to want to have sex, and he thinks that I should help him out. I don't think that he understands that I really don't want to be like that right now. I know that I need to go and talk to someone about everything - but I needed to "talk" to someone now. It is hard when you feel out of control. We don't talk about anything meaningful, he start a converstation by saying we almost needed to buy a new car - then pauses (for effect?) before continuing. Instead of just saying "A car cut me off today - it was pretty close". I am sorry, I am rambling, my frustration is coming through. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you

Welcome to the board, Altow22 ~
It seems like one minute you're saying it's all you, the next you're suggesting that he was the instigator of the problems and gives reason for your frustration. What was your relationship like before your pregnancy? How did you feel about him not wanting to touch you during pregnancy? Did he frustrate you in the same ways before your pregnancy (such as with the way he brings up topics)?
It sounds like you know you need to see a therapist, I assume you've made the appointment and are scheduled to go in? Why did you stop seeing the therapist in the first place?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Our relationship was good before I became pregnant. Our sex life was not as good as when we first met, but before pregnancy he was having problems. For some reason they are all gone now and it is just me. I don't think I really thought about him not touching me during pregnancy (usually that is my solution to things - don't think about them). Sometimes during pregnancy I wanted him to touch me maybe not have sex, but more intimately. It was a chore to get him to rub my growing belly. I don't know if he frustrated me the same way before or not, but I don't think so. I feel like he is going alot slower than I am lately and that also frustrates me. I haven't made the appt for the therapist yet - this frustration really peaked last night, so I will be doing that today. The reason we never went back is because we were supposed to go together and there was never a real opportunity to go - he works rotating continental shifts and I work straight days - sometimes it is hard to find a time. He also never mentions it when I say that we should go. I guess I want him to want to go - I think it would be good for him to go by himself then the 2 of us go - but I don't think that is what is going to happen.
We will see what happens...
Another aspect you might want to keep in mind is that you seem to have a lot of symptoms of depression -- decreased libido, irritability, irrational anger, etc.
I think it would also be good for you to go by yourself on occasion as well. You've got a lot of frustration and anger, and dealing with some of that on your own would be appropriate and helpful. You also mentioned your way of dealing with things is typically to avoid thinking about them, that indicates some issues that need to be resolved within yourself -- and that's a one-on-one therapy situation, not something to be dealt with in the couples arena.
Some men see pregnant women as "hands off", since you couldn't even get him to rub your belly, do you think that was possibly the case? I can also see that it could be possible for you to have a growing anger regarding the lack of physical touch that comes out now as "hell no!" when he tries to touch you. I could also see it coming out as anger in any little thing he does wrong; you know, looking for an excuse to be mad at him.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"