The other guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
The other guy
9
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:55am

Dear all:

Please give me your thoughts on this...

I am happily married. I love and am very committed to my husband. This is not about having an affair or anything. I just want to know why I miss my guy friend so much.

3 years ago, I became very close to a married guy at work. It truly was very innocent, i.e., we're both silly, so we had so much fun talking with one another, and we got along so well. He was like a childhood playmate - I can't explain. We did not flirt with one another whatsoever. However, when feelings got in the way, I nipped it in the bud right away and told him that we would only be friends and with utmost respect to his marriage and mine and for my love and commitment to my husband, I would put my feelings aside and want to sincerely stay friends with him. He did not want to stay friends (and suggested that we'd be continuing our friendship in bad conscience) and stopped talking to me.

It has been 3 years, and I still find myself wondering about my friend. I'm curious how he's doing. Sometimes, I think about the good times we had. But why do I even bother? Lately, I have been compelled to contact him just hoping that we'd be back to where we used to be before feelings got involved. Am I wrong to think this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 12:31pm

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:21pm

I so agree with the other reply you got, it's right on.

::He did not want to stay friends (and suggested that we'd be continuing our friendship in bad conscience) and stopped talking to me.

Honor his decision. And think about it, you want that same playmate situation and if you contacted him and he agreed to it, you'd be back where you were three yrs ago. Too bad you can't turn your husband into your playmate.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:08pm

I agree with the others. To contact him now would merely be sending the message that you're now ready to move forward with a relationship with him. How could he think anything else? "Hi, I'm contacting you just to let you know I still don't want anything more than a friendship with you"? or "Hi, I'm contacting you to tell you I still miss you but I still don't want to do anything about it"? Nothing good can come from contact with him. Even if he's willing to be friends you know full well it'll only be a matter of time before those old feelings creep back in, why would you want to do that?


Your friend was right, going back to having a "friendship" when deeper feelings exist isn't possible. You don't have "friend" feelings. Going through the motions, pretending to be friends, etc. only keeps both your interests peaked and amps up the potential for physical affair immensely. It's tempting fate and playing a very dangerous game, IMO. A couple of good articles on emotional affairs:
Is It Cheating?
Is it just friends or infidelity?


Even though your situation may not exactly apply, but I'd really urge you to post on the Ending an Affair Support board. The framework was there for a full-blown affair (and your circumstance is certainly how many affairs begin), the pieces were all in place and the struggle you now feel is the same. You'll get some great insight, great thoughts and great understanding from the members there. They'll help you work through this.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
In reply to: mwheland
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:46am

Thank you all. You've been most helpful.

I am very torn. I do miss my friend, but if I start the connection with him again, who knows what will happen? The saddest part about this is that in order for me and him to live our lives in peace, we have to stay away from each other. Who would have thought that loving somebody could be so dangerous as well as hating somebody? Lastly, it means that I will never ever see or talk to him again. :( That is so sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 11:52am

I think the proper perspective is missing here.

What would be sad is if your marriage was ruined because you keep pining for a "friend". Or that his marriage would be ruined also. He picked what was more important to him--- his marriage. He totally ended things with you because he wanted his wife more. Now do the same and don't look back anymore.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
In reply to: mwheland
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 4:49pm


My perspective and wish have always been to keep this guy as a friend (as we were before feelings got in the way) while I'm married to my husband. That why I find it so sad. It's because I lost a friend. We were not lovers. We were about to become more than friends, but we both stopped it before it happened.

Your perspective is true if I were looking to have an affair with this guy. But that's not the case. I sincerely just want to keep him as a friend, but it's impossible now. It's kind of Catch-22. Damned if we stay friends, and damned if we don't stay friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:45pm

But you can't "stay friends", you've already identified that your feelings surpass that of friends.


You'd be pretending to be something you're not. I have to tell you, almost all of us are faced with people whom we're attracted to at one point or another in our married/committed lives. The fact that it comes up isn't important, what you do with it is. I too have had to back away from guys I that I became attracted to. You create space between yourself and the guy, you avoid contact. The feeling brings up a caution flag for me and you back away. Why? Because you know your allegiance is to your husband and putting yourself in a situation that has any amount of heat in it is too dangerous, not worth risking your marriage for. It's wrong. I think Jen is exactly right. Your focus is in the wrong place. Instead of being protective of your marriage and your husband your focus is on this guy and what you're "missing".


What's going on in your marriage? Are you happy? Why is your focus on this guy and the "friendship" instead of on what it could potentially do to your marriage? I hope you're not taking this as a slam or an attack, but I think it's becoming pretty clear that something's not right in your marriage. What's going on?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
In reply to: mwheland
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:00am

Hi. Thanks for being patient with me.

What's wrong with my marriage? I've asked myself that question many times to perhaps understand why I miss my friend. If I had to pinpoint one thing, it's not that there's anything wrong with my marriage, but my husband's communication style is simply different from my friend's? My husband is more formal (he can be silly at times), but my friend is goofy/silly. That's what I miss - the big laughs. I'm silly too, but I think my husband doesn't bring my silliness out as much. That's really all. That's why I described him as my childhood playmate. If we ever become friends again, the picture I have of our friendship is that he and his wife would go to my children's bday parties and vice-versa. That kind of friendship.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mwheland
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:02pm

What I don't hear is a passion -- or an allegiance -- to your husband. I hear that a relationship with this "friend" is more important to you than your marriage and you're more than willing to risk sacrificing your marriage for your "friend". It sounds like if you had to choose between the two you'd choose your "friend" without hesitation. Are you happy in your relationship with your husband? Do you love him and like him or is this marriage more or less "going through the motions; an arrangement where you simply co-exist? That's the feeling I'm getting. Is that more or less the case? How long have you been dissatisfied with your husband? How long have you been together and how long have you been married?










~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"