Over-emotional-what is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Over-emotional-what is wrong with me?
8
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 5:47pm
For the past couple of months I have been extremely sensitive/emotional about things that never used to bother me before with my husband. I have been married for little over 2 years, and what attracted me to him was that he was a smart*** just like me, and we used humor to brighten our day. Now it's not funny it's annoying. I sit and cry when I think about it because I feel that there is something missing in my marriage, but I also think it could just be me being overly sensitive. I don't feel wanted by my husband, sometimes even loved. He is my best friend, but he is also my husband-as I am his wife and should be treated as a wife not like the "guys" are treated at his work. I am sure this is really not making much sense. I know this: I am scared, I love my husband more than anything, but there is something missing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:32am

Welcome to the board, Mayday04 ~


Before I can offer much in the way of suggestions, I have a few questions. Have you talked to your husband about the way you're feeling? If so, what was his response? If not, why not? Did anything occur in any area of your life prior to you feeling this way that might have impacted you ? Even something that wouldn't seem to be connected might be. Anything important change at all? Did anything important happen around this time of the year previously that was important or impactful? For instance, my father died in May several years ago, for years after his death I would find myself in a depressed, tearful funk around that time. It never failed, year after year as my funk hit, I had no idea why I was so tearful and depressed, then it would hit me. Any important issue can hit like that.


I'll be checking back for your answers ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:32am

Male perspective here....so I am not sure I am qualified on this one...but anyways couple of things did jump out at me from your post.

First off are the smarta$$ comments now directed at you where in the past they have been about others? Is he being disrespectful directly about you (turned his smarta$$ focus to you)? If this is the case then there may be other deep seeded issues....like he is unhappy, frustrated in the marriage, and/or feeling like you are not good enough for him. If this is the case you really need to figure out what those underlying issues are....I would try talking first, but you may need therapy if you are really in a state of despair over them.

If the issue is that you just don't want to hear the smarta$$ comments anymore cause you don't think a "wife" should, then below may be contributing to your issue.

Prior to marriage you were "one of the guys" and this was a key part of your connection and basis for your relationship. Your husband feels totally comfortable talking to you like "one of the guys" cause he knows you are not only comfortable with this but it is something you like.

Now you are married and you see yourself in a different role than being the good girlfriend. You refer in your post several times to being a "wife." Your problem may be this.....women often view their relationship after marriage as being different than before....they see the continuum of becoming a wife and a mother...men don't often have this type of foresight....you can say it intellectually to them and they understand, BUT that often doesn't make the changes any easier for them when they actually are experiencing it. Men often go into marriage thinking....ok she is pretty perfect....hopefully she won't change. Women often think....hey he is a pretty good guy, I think once we are married he will transition into a great husband and father (seeing these as fundamentally different).

So you have quite a dilema on your hands. He is doing exactly the worng thing to make you feel loved and wanted and he probably doesn't even realize it or even if you have said it, he is in denial mode cause he really likes the woman he married and wants to keep her. If this is your case you need to make your feelings known to him and give him the chance to adapt his behaviors. Sense of humor is a hard one to turn on/off so hopefully there is some compromise you can reach.

It really is not reasonable to think that he can talk to you the same way he does his "guy buddies" anymore than you can talk to him the same way you talk to your "girlfriends" (a big mistake many women make after marriage...thinking he is my best friend so he should be listen and communicate like my girlfriends.....doesn't generally work that way). The hard part here is you have aleady taught him that this is OK. When you talk to him please put it in the context of how you feel and not what he is doing wrong...give him the chance to do things to make you feel better, not because you don't love him and accept him and need to fix him....look for some small victories and some compromises and see if that helps.

Best of luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:06am

Have you talked to your husband about the way you're feeling? If so, what was his response?
Yes I have but it seems that he becomes extremely defensive, even when I don't make it about him but about me. After a discussion for a couple of days he seems to be making an attempt to correct certain behaviors.

Did anything occur in any area of your life prior to you feeling this way that might have impacted you ?
I am not sure, it has been quite a year for me. I had a couple back to back family deaths, one expected the other not. I graduated from college in May, and got a job offer in June, but don't start teaching until middle of August.

I honestly think it is because we see each other too often, since I am not working (for another couple of weeks) and he is working two jobs, he doesn't know what I do at home but he seems to think I don't do much but watch tv and go shop.

Oh and I forgot to mention I just recently went off the pill, and it could very well be as simple as my hormones being out of whack, and I am completely over analyzing the situation.

Thanks cl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:08am
Thank you so much P!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 1:19am
Orangecuse, I was "one of the guys" before I became romantically involved with my husband; he and I worked together for three years (prior to involvement), I was the only woman in the department and becoming one of the guys early on meant lots of joking (receiving and giving). I can relate to what you suggest in your first scenario. As we moved into a relationship and eventually married, I admit that I didn't receive the old jokes as well as I had back at work. It felt different, I wanted to be hurt, but I knew full well that I had been a full, willing participant in it, it wasn't his fault that I didn't want to play anymore. It had been and was part of us; I had no right to flip flop and suddenly be upset about it.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 1:56am
It sounds like there are a lot of possibilities, Mayday, you have a lot going on in your life, for sure. Any of them or a combination of a few or all of them could be the cause of your feelings. I think what struck me most was that this has come on over the last few months, which, to me, indicates something happened to start this or it's the result of a trigger of some kind. Am I right in thinking that your husband's joking around with you didn't change suddenly, but that your tolerance of it did? Or did you grit your teeth and silently hate it for a long time, finally verbalizing your feelings about it? If your tolerance for it changed suddenly, I think that would indicate being upset about your husband's behavior is a distraction from the real problem rather than the problem itself. I also wonder what you thought of Orangecuse's suggestions, I think they could have merit.


Anniversary triggers can probably come up for any traumatic issues, I used my Dad's death because it was a huge one for me. It sounds like you had plenty of traumatic events going on in your life around this time last year; and it doesn't matter if the death (or event) was expected or not, the rush of feelings is triggered all the same.


I know you said that your husband got defensive despite the fact that you made it about you and not him; maybe it would be a good thing to revisit that now that it's been a while. I think reopening the subject, telling him you are/were concerned that he felt blamed or responsible for your feelings and reassuring him that wasn't your intent. One thing to keep in mind is that while women like to just vent about their problems and often aren't looking for a solution at all, guys are "fixers", if a problem is presented to them, they try to make it right. The difference between the sexes can make for a lot of frustration by both parties; women just want to be listened to and we get frustrated that men try to tell us what to do; men get frustrated because they're presented with problems but aren't supposed to help. " Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus " by Dr. John Gray is a great book that illustrates the differences and helps in understanding the two sexes. In any event, I do think it's important to revisit the issue if you feel your husband took it differently than you intended it, leaving it sets a precedent on how issues are resolved and who's responsible for what. Some great articles on conflict resolution are:


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting

Conflicts - Points to Remember

I wonder if part of your feeling isn't because you feel under-appreciated and less than an equal right now. You're not working, he's working two jobs (that would probably guilt me). Add to that he gives you the impression that you don't do anything all day, and I think feeling less than an equal partner or great about yourself is understandable. I think this is an issue you should approach him with too, but not at the same time as your revisiting the previous issue. If he really doesn't think you do anything, then you might go a day or two without doing anything, just to show him how things are when it's not kept up.


If this whole emotional change in you came up at the same time as you going off the pill, I would definitely suggest calling your doctor to report this change in you, and I'd hold off having discussions with your husband until after you'd worked on this with your doctor. If this is caused by a change in your system, you sure don't need to be putting him through the wringer while you figure that out, you know?


Let me know what you think ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:15am

I totally agree....he is thinkng... she used to love this about me and now she doesn't....she has changed her mind and now something very personal (sense of humor) went from being good to being bad. This sucks and what is next...the way I breathe?

That said, I do think there should be room for compromise here cause men do regularly turn on and turn off the street talk elements of their sense of humor. They don't talk that way in front of their mothers or children, or the boss's wife, or just about everyone else except certain established friends/coworkers. It is not like it takes a lot of effort or forethought not to talk this way in front of these people...you just do it. I have noticed with one of my buddies in particular that I grew up with and have been friends with for 30 years I tend to talk differently ....lots more profanity than just about anyone else in my life....perhaps it is a carryover from our teenage years...whatever the reason, I don't think much about it and probably would not even notice it except that I don't live near him anymore and so we only hang out a couple of times a year. You can bet when his wife is with him I don't talk this way (and neither does he).

I think the secret is in him getting that as HIS WIFE and soon to be MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN she views these as positions of HONOR and wants to feel the respect consistent with that important position. The constant street talk/sense of humor tarnishes that. It's ok once in awhile when they are just hanging out, perhaps having a glass of wine or beer, but on a day-to-day basis he needs to curb it. He is gonna have to anyways once the kids come along cause he doesn't want them being disrespectful (little smart a$$'s) to their mother and his wife (and him, and the rest of their family, and teachers, etc etc) so now is the time to start practicing since she has gone off the pill.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 2:24am
I agree that if he's throwing jokes and comments at her daily it does need to be toned down, but we don't really know that's the case. I think that it may play a part, but the fact that they've been married for two years and she's just become extremely upset about this over the last two months (presuming his behavior towards her hasn't recently changed drastically) suggests to me that there's more going on than just this. In her post she identified a lot of important changes that have occurred recently, too. She also describes herself as being over-emotional and sensitive; whether her assessment of herself is accurate or whether she's beating herself up, I don't know, but it's worth recognizing that she sees it as over reacting.


I know what you mean about turning it off and on, I don't think it's at all uncommon to have different relationships with different people (like you describe with your long time friend), and turn it off and on when the situation "calls for it". Don't we all do that? I know I do.


For us, our relationship just kind of gradually evolved over time, as they all do. The jokes stopped being as frequent; we still joke that same old way back and forth at each other on occasion, but it's not nearly as frequent. I'd expect that's the way it would happen in most relationships, especially if the response to the old, disliked behavior became routinely cool. If not, talking honestly about the situation is appropriate.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"