Over-reacting ??????
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| Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:11pm |
Hi:
Reading through some of these posts makes me think that my problems are few, but still would like to get some input.
I've been married for 14 years, I have 12 and 7 year old daughters. My husband and I get along great, we share the same ideals, talk up a storm about everything, don't let our families interfere in our relationship, and so on. But the constant problems we've had all along is that 1) he is not very affectionate, physically or verbally and 2) he likes to go out with his friends, once in a while.
His not being affectionate or verbal about his feelings I've come to understand since his family is just like that, kind of cold. (not much kissing and touching). I, on the other hand, am very affectionate. I've dealt with it through out the years but lately I've grown kind of resentful about him not kissing me goodbye in the mornings or not holding my hand while we walk, only kissing in prelude to sex...stuff like that now hurts me more...mind you he has his moments, he might grab me playfully while I'm cooking, or ask for a quick kiss. but this is usually if he feels I'm bothered about something... I don’t' know, maybe am I to needy....??
2nd thing about him going out with friends...there's a history in this, when we got together, he was only 20, all his friends were single so he got into the habit of going out with his friends..alot, and coming home the next morning...we almost split up a few times over this, but suddenly all his friends married or had girlfriends so that was not a problem anymore...he's 33 now, has changed a lot, matured in sense, except that now, he has a few friends that still like to get together once in a while (which is not a problem) but, what is a problem is that he tells me like an hour before he leaves and doesn’t come home till 6am!!! and the worst part is I call his cell phone, no answer, and more than anything I am worried sick that something might have happened to him. He says a million times I am sorry, It wont happen again, but it always does....Thank God this happens maybe 5 or 6 times a year, but let me tell you, it sends me to a bad place, very quickly....he says that what's the big deal, that I am overreacting, blah blah...I say that he's just being inconsiderate, even the guys he goes out with sometimes bail out not to get on their wives bad sides, but he never says no, or considers my feelings when he's planning an outing...
Like I said before, we have a really happy life together, but these things really do damage, I sometimes try to hold in that I am bothered, but then I explode and we have a horrible argument.
Right now we've been really distant, since during the Holidays, one of his childhood friends and brother (who are both married) were staying with us, and he spend all his time with them… went to all the happy hours, and in one occasion we had a huge argument when I found out that the only wife that was not there was me, he said he thought his friend and brother were leaving there wives behind, but they came.
And on New Years Eve when the clock stroke 12, he didn't kiss or hug me to say happy new year !!!!!!!!!! and I was right there a few feet away. He didn't even acknowledge that he had done something wrong, until I confronted him, He says that he was a little drunk, that he didn't do it on purpose. that he was sorry.....I was in tears for 3 days...!!!
I really think that there is nothing seriously wrong, but I don't want this stuff to create more resentment between us....mind you that he talks about how fast the girls are growing and that our dream of getting a villa in Spain and growing old together is closer with every passing day.....he has a little get away planned for us over the summer, to Key West….. we’re planning on opening our own business...he's been driving me crazy with ideas...he spends 95% of his time with us...I see us as life long partners, but I just want to get rid of all these sad and resentful feelings I am having right now...Should I just let it go, not let this stuff get to me...We've spoken about it he says he's sorry and wants to do better...should I just not take these things so personally...and hang on to them for weeks at a time...??? I'm 37, maybe I am getting hormonal...!!!!Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....

Welcome to the board, Arianaciara ~
Relationship problems don't have to be of dire proportions to require solutions. Most problems aren't that proportion -- or at least they don't start out at that proportion! Taking action before they get bigger is the right thing to do, but then I think you already know that.
With the affection problem, you say he's always been like that. That says you knew when you married him that he wasn't affectionate and, no surprise, that hasn't changed. I'm betting you know that his affection level isn't going to change, right? You also say his family isn't affectionate, which tells you that he learned it in childhood, it's the way he is, period. I'm a little bit confused and I'm hoping you can help me understand a little better. It sounds like you feel a huge connection with him, you love him and know that he loves you. It sounds like you're very happy and secure in your relationship, but that you'd like more affection, is that right or did I over read the amount of security/satisfaction you feel in your marriage? The reason I ask is because the impression I have of your relationship doesn't fit with three days of crying because he didn't kiss you on New Year's Eve. What am I missing? And I'm not going to buy "hormonal" either...! I mean, you've known all along that he's not affectionate, and I think you know that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I'm not trying to minimize your wants or needs, having affection is very important, but I guess I didn't read that your level of desperation (for lack of a better word) for affection was at that level. Is it? What if he doesn't change? Will that affect your ability to stay in your marriage and be happy? More input from you will help my clarity and help me offer thoughts and suggestions that make sense to your situation.
Okay. Your husband goes out once a month or so, with short notice and doesn't come home until morning. I honestly don't think you can pin this on what he did when he was 20. I stayed out all night when I was 20 too, but that doesn't mean I think I can still do it. And I don't think you should cite others who stay home so as not to provoke their wives. Your husband should be able to go out and do so in a way that's respectful and caring to his responsibility, you and your relationship. I understand you being upset that he showed up to one event finding himself being the only guy who came without his wife, but I'm betting he didn't realize this would be a couples thing. It's lousy, but it doesn't sound like it was intentional, do you think? If it's not, I don't think you have any choice but to forgive him, and I don't think the error is big enough to hold onto anger about anyway, do you? I have some questions about his nights out too. Is the fact that these nights come up spur of the moment really a problem or does it just irk you? Why is it continually last minute, does he get notice ahead and not tell you about it or do his buddies always make their plans spur of the moment? If this has been going on monthly for the last 14 years, I'd think there'd be some kind of expected pattern by now, and I'd think with the responsibilities that these guys all have to have at this point in their lives spur of the moment wouldn't work for many of the guys anymore. What do these guys do all night long? Where do they go? Are you concerned about what he's doing while he's out? Two more questions, then I'll wait for your answers before going further: How often do you two go out? How often do you get out for a night for yourself without him or the kids?
Thanks in advance for your answers, I'll be checking back for your response.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi, and thanks for you response.
About the affection, your right, I went into it knowing he was not the cuddly type. I guess having his brother and wife, (married a year and half) and his best friend (married 8 months)and wife around us, all smoochy and snuggly and stuff, kind of left me out there feeling kind of left out. My husband would joke and tell them, wait till you guys have kids and 14 years of marriage !!! enjoy it while you can !!! and I guess time does change relationships....but in a good way. Let me tell you, we are really happy, we have a really healthy marriage. To answer your other questions, his going out with the guys is not really a big deal, and the example that I gave about when he was 20 is just to show that it's been something that I've been dealing with since the beginning, just at different levels. What really gets me is (I imagine a lot of others would say the same)the coming home the next morning !!! I think is disrespectful for him to come into his home 12 hours after he's left with out calling, or answering his cell phone, I can imagine (because I know him!!!) his friends saying "Man, I got to get out of here, my wife’s going to kill me” and my husband saying, "oh, come on one more beer, it's no big deal..!!!" mind you, he always goes to the same places, with the same people, they hang out and talk BS, and he tells me he looses track of time....but I just can't comprehend that he can be out of the house so many hours, and not think for one second to call me, even to see that everything is ok since most of the time he can't hear his cell phone because of the noise. And as I side note, I am not worried about another woman or stuff like that.
We as a couple spend a lot of time together, go out dancing, movies , dinner...with out the girls...although I don't go out on my own with out him or the girls, so maybe I should start doing more of that....We had a really long talk last night and he acknowledged that we've fallen into a rut these last few months and that he knew we were not spending enough time together, as a couple and that we had to take care of that right away....so that made me very happy...all in all he says he's going to try to get better at calling when he's out and getting in earlier, so that was good too, ..I think is going to be ok...
Debbie
What I see as the biggest issue in your post was not returning until the next morning. I do understand wanting more affection, etc but since you knew about that going in, I think it's more your responsibility to initiate that. And never having been one to go to bars, I have a hrd time giving construstive advice there too. However, I wasn't aware that bars were open that late. I thought most closed around 2am? And I really don't think that asking him to be home at 2 am is out of line either. No one needs to drink til 6 in the morning...
I'm glad you had a good talk with him and it sounds like the two of you really do want to work and improve things. Please keep us updated!
Jen
Thanks for your response Jen...
Well, we live in Miami, so must stuff around here stays open pretty late, but in his case it turns into trying to leave the bar by 3am, stopping to grab something to eat at denny's or Ihop, and then having the designated driver of the night start to drop people off and well, there's 6am.....but more than anything what I want to know is that he's ok, just a phone call would do...
It's true that if he's been less than affectionate you need to be realistic and recognize that the likelihood of that changing is pretty minimal, but that doesn't mean you should just accept it as it is; not yet anyway ":)"One thing you can and should do is talk to him about what you'd like and need at a time when there isn't a problem between you. I say that because when you're already having a problem bringing up another just causes more problems makes one or both of you feel defensive and rarely resolves anything. Talking to him when everything's going good already is a good way to get his attention and talk without feeling blamed, attacked or anything else. Some good articles on communication/conflict resolution are:br>Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
It's very likely that you'll need to adjust what you'd like to what is likely. By that I mean it's not likely that he's going to turn into some romantic flame, and it's likely that you'll have to tell him what you want, maybe give him suggestions for gifts, and if it's important to you remind him that Valentines Day, your birthday, anniversary, etc., is coming up. On New Year's a while before the clock strikes midnight you should probably say, "Don't you plan to go anywhere because come midnight I'm going to want my kiss!" These things may not be the romantic moves you'd really like to see, but if he's expected to adjust from what's normal and natural to him, you'll have to adapt your ideal too. You might just find that with a little help and nudging, he gets the hang of it and doesn't need so much help -- or you might not. The bottom line is that you'll get what you want. Of course, you'll have to get his agreement that having your reminders and suggestions is something he feels would be helpful. As for everyday things, what's wrong with saying, "I want/need a hug", "I'd love if if you'd hold my hand", just extend your hand out to him, pick up his hand and place it on your leg, or whatever it is you'd like. Here again, he may just get in the habit of doing some of these things without your reminder. One thing I've learned over the years though, is that if you want affection and your guy isn't picking up on it, you need to be able to let them know what you want, or do without. It may feel less than great at first, but believe me, you will get used to it and it doesn't feel awkward or less than affectionate either. An extremely good old post that talks about the difference between the way men and women show love is:
Men, Women and their expressions of love
Lastly, it sounds like maybe the whole issue with his going out boils down to him stalling telling you about it to avoid your reaction and perhaps his not calling to let you know he'll be out later than you'd like maybe the for the same reason. I'm know I'm guessing; I asked about why after all these years it's a monthly "unexpected, unplanned" event, but didn't get an answer. Really, the fact that it happens monthly pretty much says all of you know it's coming up. I absolutely agree that he should tell you as soon as he knows about it and he should let you know that he's going to be late, but since this has been going on for the last 14 years you've got to pretty much know he's going to be out all night by now, so why not have a discussion with him about it where you agree not to give him flack (verbally or with your reactions) when he tells you about it and further agree that both of you just recognize that he's going to be home at 6 a.m. If you're not worried about what he's doing, it's likely that if both of you treat this in a more respectable manner it might just cease to be a problem. Tell him that you need to know for certain that he won't drive if he's been drinking and he won't get in a car with someone who's had too much to drink. If he assures you he'll insist on taking a taxi if the need arises, that should end your concern, right? Unless there's more you're concerned about?
Sometimes you've got to be willing to give in order to get what you want and in your situation, that just might be the case.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"