Overweight Spouse/Partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Overweight Spouse/Partner
25
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 3:30pm

Accidentally posted to the wrong area...sorry...

I would love some feedback from anyone who has an overweight partner. How do you feel about it? Does it bother you or are you completely ok with this. I see so many couples where one, or both, partners are extremely overweight (including my relationship) that I wonder how others feel. How has it affected your relationship? My husband is obese and it is very difficult for me to deal with. While he was somewhat overweight when we married, he has gained at least 50 more pounds. It's tough to deal with. Any one else in this situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 3:55pm

Neither of us is obese or overweight, but we do have an understanding that we don't want our partner to become that way. To some it may seem callous discussing this in advance, but prevention is sure easier than having to deal with a situation such as yours.

In practice....last year I put on 12lbs and DH did notice. Commented on my thickening stomach and waistline. I didn't get offended because he was speaking the truth. For a while I tried to reason that I'm getting older and slowing metabolim etc etc, but we both knew that I was kidding myself.

Anyway, have since started to exercise again and watch my food intake more carefully - and am now half way to the goal weight again.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 5:16pm
Congratulations for catching and correcting your weight gain early! You and your spouse were very smart to make sure you were in agreement about the importance of weight in your relationship. I wish I would have seen the signs before my marriage but I never thought he would gain MORE weight...! I don't feel my standards are that high. I realize it is hard for many in our society to keep the weight off and I have no problem with a man who carries a "bit" of extra weight. I'm having trouble with 100 extra pounds, though. Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate your feedback. Please...anyone else?? This must be a tough topic for many to face. I have posted this question on another area on this site a few months ago and also not too much feed back. I know many are in similar situations because I see couples walking around like this all the time. I really, really need some insight as to how others deal with this - help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 5:45pm

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Like you, I believe that a bit of weight isn't a terrible thing. And my DH doesn't expect me to be a size 4. It's just not realistic to expect one's partner to be "perfect" for a lifetime. However, I totally understand that there is a limit of what you can visually cope with - not to mention the impact that being overweight can have on your lifestyle.

I've just got a few questions that may be helpful in finding a solution.

* does he know how you feel about his weight? Does he care?

* who does the cooking and shopping? While you can't push him out the door to exercise, if you are the chef - you can have some input into the quality and volume that is served to him. Also, we rarely have treats such as cookies, cake and potato crisps in the house - because I keep eating them.

* can you initiate a pleasant form of phyiscal activity that you can do together. A long Sunday morning walk perhaps?

* are there any activities that he used to enjoy before he put on the weight? Can you promote a revival in interest that in turn, can spur him into getting fitter? (eg, getting fit for a beach/skiing holiday)

However, I'll be the first to admit that if he doesn't care to loose the weight, then these intervention ideas probably won't have much effect.

best of luck to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:24pm

I am definately not after perfection in any way. I actually think someone who is obsessed with their looks isn't very attractive as a partner either. A reasonable weight taking into consideration the aging factor is where I wish we could get to. He is always going to be a hefty guy...no matter what. I know that and that is ok. He eats for comfort and he has always found comfort in food. To respond to your questions (which I really appreciate, thank you!)...

- Yes, he knows how I feel. He shaved off his beard this weekend and I thought I would die after seeing his double chin the size of Indiana that had been hiding under it for so long. WOW...I was shocked and find his cleanly shaven fat face repulsive to say the least (I know this sounds terrible and I hate how I feel, but hey...this is a place we can vent, right??) I begged him to grow the beard back and I told him it was very unattractive and made his face look very heavy (picture the fat one in the Laurel and Hardy pair). I think he cares, he just feels it's too difficult for him to beat this...so why bother. Plus, food is SO comforting to him that he doesn't want to limit himself.

- I do all of the cooking and shopping for food. We have very little junk in the house - but he will find something to eat. One night at 2 a.m. he was microwaving frozen chicken breasts (2 very large ones!) for a little snack...doesn't that sound good ??? He will overeat anything - it does not matter at all!

- He is physically active. We have a gym membership and he plays racquetball and we even play tennis in the summer. However, his weight will not budge and I swear he's getting a bit heavier each year. He simply eats way too much! It's quite amazing.

I've come to realize there is really nothing on my end I can do except find a way to deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:14pm

Wow, this isn't easy for you at all, is it. You're already doing all you can.

(clutching at straws here)

My only other thought was prompted by your comments regarding him eating for comfort and feeling that his weight is too difficult to tackle. Perhaps the over-eating is a symptom of something bigger? Do you think he could be suffering from depression and/or perhaps need counselling for other issues? Is he really happy with his life in general?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:24am

Welcome, Shortnsweet64 ~




You're right, this is a tough issue, and it's one we've dealt with here from time to time. Sometimes it's a woman posting that her husband has mentioned that her weight is a turn-off and sometimes it's a woman who's upset about her husband, boyfriend or s/o's weight. If you'd like, I'd be happy to dig up those posts so you can have the benefit of reading those discussions.




The issue of weight is a difficult one. Telling someone their weight is a problem for you is hard. Often pushing the subject makes the problem worse rather than better. I think we all know you don't lose weight, or make any other kind of life change, for anyone but yourself. If the overweight person isn't motivated to make the change for themselves, they aren't going to be successful just because you've told them you don't like it. In fact, for many people, being told they aren't acceptable at the weight they are backfires and ends up seeing them put on even more weight, as they use food to comfort their hurt feelings. And along the vein of them being motivated for them, there really isn't much you can do about it. If they want to overeat they will, if they want to eat the wrong things, they will, if they refuse to exercise or attempt to lose weight, there's nothing you can do -- it's not yours to control, it's theirs. Meanwhile your dismay and dislike of how they look grows more and more. It's a double-edged sword, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.




I've been faced with the problem a few times, once with a boyfriend who got heavier and heavier -- and to my disgust it was as I watched him eat disgusting amounts and devour a half-quart of ice cream per night. My comments on the amounts he ate grew less and less politically correct yet he continued to ignore/defend it and inhaled everything in sight anyway. With him it was like he was on a binge and nothing was going to deter him. He could be an athletic guy and I'd seen him in quite good shape, but he seemed oblivious to the fact that he was moving beyond a few extra pounds to out of control. Looking at his father, I could see where he was heading and I wasn't thrilled. Our relationship ended, not because of his weight, but I did notice that he dropped the weight pretty quickly after we broke up -- guess that "divorce diet" worked for him too. I'm betting he's put it back on by now and, gauging by his body style and gene pool, I'm betting he ends up being quite overweight and happy being there too.




My husband and I both had put on weight over the last few years. He more than I. I said nothing but honestly began to worry about it as he began sweating more, snoring more, etc. I voiced concerns about the sweat, mentioned he was snoring more and when we hugged, I'd smile and kind of give his belly a pat. He didn't seem to get it. I was just about to have that talk I really didn't want to have and tell him I was concerned that he was putting himself in danger of having a heart attack when he announced that he wanted to lose weight and begin an exercise program. Yea! We started it together, he fell off the wagon over Christmas (it was a planned "holiday free zone", but he's had trouble getting back on that wagon. I've been better and have lost the weight I wanted to lose and proved it to him by surprising him by wearing a form fitting size 7 evening dress that he loves (but knows there's no way I could even begin to get into) last Saturday night. Meanwhile, he couldn't button the top button of his shirt -- his neck was too big. At least with him he's upset that his pants are too tight, didn't like not fitting into the suit he chose to wear, etc. We've both been battling this low-level bug lately and I think once he shakes it he'll be back to his exercise program and get a little more stringent about his diet. If he doesn't, I'll be more vocal about his weight than I was before, but it'll be because I know he's aware an on board, or almost on board, rather than hitting him out of the blue on a subject that he'll be upset or hurt about.




I can't tell you it'll work, or that it'll do anything but cause problems, but I think in your situation I would say something. Only you know what you're comfortable saying and what you think will be effective. I think a caring, concerned type of talk about his weight gain and heart problems, high blood pressure, etc. might be the way to go, at least to start. I know myself and I know I can only give out "nice" "caring" comments for so long. Before long I know I'd find myself mentioning (with disgust no doubt) his portion size and would graduate to talks about his double chins, belly size, etc. I'm in no way saying this is right, just that I know me and I know that's what I'd end up doing. But, the bottom line is it's up to him. If he doesn't want to shape up, or if like my ex-boyfriend he insists that because he works out he's perfectly fit and healthy, there's not much you're going to do. At some point though, I think you're negligent if you don't tell him it's affecting your relationship. He can choose to do something about it or not, but the truth's the truth and if he doesn't know it's impacting your relationship negatively then he's not able to make the choice to do something about it or not.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:41pm
I totally agree with you. You should be concerned with your DH's weight. Does he want you to grow old alone because he died from complications due to his weight? To me - looking good is important. Don't have to be perfect, but to be healthy and fit. I met my DH online and that's what I had listed in my profile that I wanted someone who was fit. At the time I needs to lose about 15+ lbs (I'm very petite) and when I met my now husband - he was a fitness fanatic and had quit smoke for 5 years. Well he motivated me and I lost over 20 lbs. Now that we're married, we both gained weight - him 30 lbs and me about 10. Plus he started smoking on & off again. That started to put a wedge between us because I "need" someone that I can follow as an example to get me to lose those 10 lbs and I don't want him to smoke either.
Stick to your guns and encourage your hubby to take better care of himself. Try and do something healhy together - like biking, walking etc... I think it's a great way for couples to spend quality time together.
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 3:59pm

cl-2nd life - thank you so much for your post. Very insightful and helpful to my situation. I would love it if you could forward any posts to me on this subject. I actually did a few searches here on this subject and couldn't find much, so if you could, that would be just great.

I have told my husband very bluntly that this is affecting our marital relationship. He knows that I am disgusted by his weight and I do not feel very attracted to him because of it. Our sex life has gone from pretty active to maybe once a week, if that. He ALWAYS wants sex, though, so it is on my end that things have slowed down. Another thing I don't understand, if I were that heavy, I don't think I would feel like taking my clothes off and being intimate. It simply does not phase him, though. I guess he likes what he sees in the mirror...???

I am becoming very resentful of the fact that I know he is fully aware of how I feel about this, but he refuses to do anything about it. I would do just about anything to make my spouse pleased with me (within reason, of course) and I would not want him to be unhappy with me. I have almost thought about smoking again or drinking heavily every day just for spite...isn't that crazy?? I would like to do something that upset him as much as he upsets me!

It is very true what you say about them not doing something about their weight until THEY want to. I have heard this over and over and it is starting to finally "sink in". One of the biggest problems here is in spite of his weight, he is healthy. He does not have high blood pressure, cholesterol, none of the usual problems that go along with obesity and he always uses this as an excuse. I tell him you don't have any problems YET, but it will catch up with you one day. But I guess the call of pizza and cheeseburgers is just too strong to resist for a problem that might occur "one day". I have even gone so far as to tell him if you have any health problems related to your weight, I WILL NOT take care of you. You can lay on the couch and deal with your weight problems but I will not be there with you. This is something that YOU will have brought on yourself, so you'll have to deal with it. Along these lines, the thought of dealing with all of these almost certain health problems has me thinking very hard about this situation. The news about obesity being the #1 health issue in our country is pretty alarming. I don't know how someone can do this to themselves!

This is just making me completely miserable, I must admit. Your insight has been most helpful, though. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:02pm

I am in a similar situation. She has doubled in weight since we married 18 years ago and, even though she hates herself for it, has barely attempted to fix it. I love her completely and am seriously concerned about her health but she has decided this is a taboo subject and will not let me talk about it, let alone discuss it with me.

In the first few years after we were married I gained weight with her, albeit a bit slower, because I fell into the same habits. About 10 years ago I made some changes to try and fix myself and she started requesting money to fix her problem (health clubs, treadmill, rowing machine, etc etc) but each time would last just a few weeks before deciding it "wasn't working" and quitting. I have managed to lose 60 lbs (10 a year) by simply changing how I eat and getting more excercise and have another 20-30 to go but now she is angry with me for helping myself but not helping her?? She knows all of the changes I have made (really very minor) but will not try them or anything else since 'everything' has failed. Like your husband, she often eats to comfort herself. I'm waiting and hoping that some day she realizes that SHE has failed and gets determined to work seriously on it.

Sorry that I don't have any pointers for you, but I do feel for you.




Edited 2/15/2005 4:06 pm ET ET by xisummit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 5:47pm
We actually play tennis together and he plays racquetball but when you constantly overeat, it just doesn't make a difference! Thanks for your post, though. I wish the best for you and your DH!

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