OW update

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
OW update
12
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:44pm

I just found out that he's been talking to the OW from out of town every single day since he's returned. So much for missing me and sounding so sad when we spoke. He's lying even now.

I was starting to think that *maybe*, with work, we could salvage something. NRE's post about how he may have realized that he really screwed up got me thinking that it could be possible.

Apparently he has no remorse for what happened...AND the OW didn't dump him. She's a fool. I'd love to know what he told her to make her stick around.

I'm hurt all over again. Not that I was feeling all that great to begin with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 5:50pm
Dear Luv2004,
So sorry to hear that. The only comfort I can offer is that at least now you have the information you need to justify dumping him. And I have no doubt that if he has done it to you, he may not be able to resist doing it to her. Or if not, she, or the next woman, may do it to him.
Did you meet with him already? I would not, if I were you. Just keep walking, and know that you deserve better.
Take care,
--Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 8:41pm

Fran...Thank you for you support. I never doubted my decision to dump him, but I had hoped, after our most recent convo, that he realized the pain that he caused and maybe had some remorse. But knowing that he's been talking to her every day, I seriously doubt it.

I know I deserve better. That's why I left. It's just so hard to see that right now.

Yes, I'm serioulsy rethinking my decision to meet with him. I want to tell him why, but I don't what, if anyhting, I should say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:23pm

Luv2004's previous post can be found here:


Can't let go








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:24pm

I'm so sorry. I can completely understand how, no matter how tentatively, your having looked at the possibility of this being a problem that you could overcome makes your discovery even more painful. It really hurts when the bottom of that little bit of hope you were holding out drops out.


I honestly don't see why you'd even consider still meeting him; for what purpose? Do you want to meet him? If so, why? Also, how did you find out he's contacting the OW daily?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:38am

I hadn't totally decided to meet with him. I'm having a hard time just chucking the last year and a half out the window. I can't make up my mind. I know it could do more damage than good, but I am so curious to see what he thinks he can say to make things "better". I am also curious to see if he'd ask me back, now that I know he's still contacting her. At this point it would be an emphatic NO.

I was also thinking if he saw me and it would make him regret his decision, even just a little, it would be worth it. But that's pure fanatsy.

And yes it does hurt when that last bit of hope is gone. I know I'm not thinking rationally. All my decisons have been emtionally driven lately.

I just can't see what kind of r'ship he expects to have with someone 2,000 miles away! How could that be better than what he had right here in his own backyard? Yet he persues it. Is it the excitement of something new and the distance is a challenge?

<>

I ran into an acqaintance of his and he said he knew about the OW and said he was sorry. We had a little convo about it and my meeting with XBF and that's when he told me about the phone calls. He just kind of presented it as an FYI. As far as I can see, this person has no reason to lie o to try to hurt me. I guess he thought he was helping me? I don't know.

What was kind of odd about seeing this person is that I was in a town I don't normally frequent. Go figure.

I have to stop torturing myself with this. I need to get the backbone to walk even further away than I have already.

I've taken all your previous advice to heart and I've read some of the informational posts you have below. They have given me guidance. Thank you so much.

Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 8:55am

Luv,


My original posts on your other thread were about someone who is remorseful and had stopped lying and actually wanted to continue in a relationship.


After reading this thread beginning post, my opinion of your ex has significantly changed.


My two cents:


Cut him loose with no more contact and certainly no more meetings. You've posted you know for sure he's been calling OW every night. You have your answer. He doesn't want you for the future unless you're part of a triangle.


Over on the Ending an affair board the term is "NC". That means No Contact.


Which is what I suggest you do now with ex. Cut your losses and give yourself time to heal.


And by all means talk to your friends and perhaps a counselor to help you walk through your grieving process.


Ivillage has a board named "Betrayed Spouses". I've seen a lot of bf/gf psts as well as spouses there. Perhaps you may want to lurk there for some insights.....


Hugs to you,


nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 10:14am

Thanks nre...

<>

I had thought the same thing too. In one sense he didn't lie. He never indicated that he wasn't in contact with her after we split. I just thought that since he sounded so sad during our last, and only, phone convo and that he said that he missed me, I thought that MAYBE there was a chance. I guess he was just playing me...again.

Now what do I do? He was supposed to call me to confirm our meet. Do I ignore the call and just not show? I was thinking of dropping him a quick line to basically say forget it. But I guess that's breaking the NC rule.

And yes, I've been seriously thinking about seein a counselor. I know a good therapist that helped my one daughter after her Dad died. But I have to admit, I feel like such a wimp doing that. It's not a marriage that ended.

I know part of all this is I'm disappointed that I'm not being stronger about all this.

Thnaks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 10:21am
It may not have been a marriage, but it was a year and a half of your life, and it ended hurtfully, with a betrayal. There's nothing wimpy about doing something that will make you feel better and help you look toward the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 10:16pm

NRE, in one of your first posts here you said what got you posting on iVillage in the first place was responding to a "once a cheater always a cheater post". I know I speak for at least several others here in saying that I don't agree with the "once...always" philosophy. I do, however, think if there's a previous history of cheating the odds are that this is something that's going to occur again. I know not everyone responds the same way in a given situation, but I think what got me about Luv's situation was that her boyfriend called with "let's get together for a decent goodbye" rather than something more along the lines of, "Geez, I really screwed up Luv, I don't know what I was thinking, I don't want to lose you, and I really want to make this right". I was seeing passive moves, kind of "go with the flow and see what happens" rather than the strong response I think would be necessary to attempt to stop the rapid destruction of the relationship. I needed to see some strong moves to believe he was really remorseful and wanting to salvage this.


I guess that's not really here nor there at this point, but I liked your post to Luv about giving him another chance and it got me thinking about why I didn't feel the same.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 8:01pm
2nd Life,

Now that you mention it, there was that subtle comment in Luv's post about "say good-bye". AS I read the post the first time, I must have glossed over it in my tendency to give someone the benefit of the doubt.


What's that saying: "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you?".

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