parents trying to force to marry
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| Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:33am |
I need some type of advice because I don't know what else to do.
I have been with my bf for 4 yrs now and I am 25 and he is 27. My parents are Pastors & very religious.
They are pressuring me to marry my bf now!
I recently had to move back home due to some financial issues & a crazy roommate, but even when I wasn't at home I was still being pressured. Well now my father is telling me that he will NOT give me money for my wedding when I do get married because I have probably already had pre-marital sex and he doesn't agree with it. I know my dad so I know he wont give me money for a wedding if I do get married, but why pressure me to get married if you won't even help.
My bf & I both went back to school to finish our degrees & we are just not ready yet, I want to make sure I will at least have a home to live in and my parent's dont understand this. I just don't know what else to do or say to them and now my bf is stressed out about this as well, and im sad that when I do get married, I won't be able to have a wedding because my dad won't help.

daphoenix2005,
You can still have a wedding without your parents help. My DH's parents gave us some and we both just worked and saved for the rest. Not that my parents weren't going to give us any. But this is my second marriage and since they footed the bill for the first, I didn't want them to pay for the second. Once you get into the planning though, you can and will find ways to cut costs.
As for the rest of your problem. Unfortunately you are going to have to make a choice. It's either your parents or your life. Maybe when you choose your life, in time your parents will come around. If not though, as hard as it will be you have to remember once you marry your husband becomes your family.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Have you tried sitting down and talking to your parents about this at a time when they aren't currently pushing you? What I'm thinking is that if your talks with them are always in response to current hints or obvious pressures, it probably comes off as defensive (and it probably is defensive -- understandably so), and if that's the case, they may not be as intent on hearing you as they are in trying to convincing you to come around to their way of thinking. Make sense?
A good way to have a constructive discussion is sit down with them, tell them you have a problem you need their help with, that gets them to listening and helping mode and out of pushing and pressuring mode. Stay calm and clear, take your time, pausing to think where you need to, no hurry. Speak in "I" terms, which deflects blame and explain how you feel. I can't put words in your mouth, but if this were happening to me I would probably be saying things like, "I feel very stressed and pressured to marry Joe. The thing is, I want to wait until I'm absolutely certain our relationship is right before I commit to it, I don't want to make a mistake. You wouldn't want me to marry someone then regret it, would you? I don't want divorce to be anything that's remotely considered, I want to know I'm making the right choice for me. Can you understand that?" "When I'm pushed to marry before I'm ready, I feel like the marriage is more important than I or my happiness is." "if a young parishioner were unsure that marriage was right and her parents were pushing her to marry, would you urge her to marry despite what she wanted or how she felt?" If you've had sex with him, I'd leave sex out of the conversation, but if you haven't I'd tell them you were hurt that they'd accuse you of this, and that they believe the worst rather than the best. Apparently they have no faith in you? (Finding a place like this to toss the word "faith" in might help you - it might also work to say something about marrying when you were ready and them having faith in your decision). Here are some articles on constructive arguing that might be really helpful in how to talk to them:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
In the end, it might be that they simply will not listen or move from their position. IMO, compromise is not an option in this situation. This is your life, your decision, and they have no part in it, period. If they don't agree to back off and trust that you'll marry when the time is right, I think you'll be forced to tell them, "This subject is off limits, I will not discuss it again. If that means you want me to move out of this house, so be it, but I will not hear this discussion again." Then mean it and have a back up place to go.
I'm sorry you're faced with this, you shouldn't be dealing with it at all.
I don't understand why some parents get so nutsy over some things. I went to high school with a girl who's parents informed her that while they could afford it, they would not help her at all with college, however, if she did not attend, they would never speak to her again. HUH?!?!?!?!?!?
Let us know how you decide to handle this and how it goes too. We'll be here for you.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Your father is manipulating you--which is wrong of him--by holding your dreams of your wedding day hostage to his pridefulness.