Partner's paranoia

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Partner's paranoia
10
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 11:00am

We've been together for over two and a half rocky years now. Recently I moved away because there seemed no hope for us and I thought the distance would do us good, but the fact is we really do love each other and even 70 miles and not speaking for 5 weeks didn't change that we want to be together.

There are a lot of issues between us, but from my point of view the one that I think is causing the most problems is his paranoia and lack of trust. It really doesn't matter what I do, I could be Mother Theresa, he will always twist it into something bad. There is no way of pleasing the man. I always have a hidden agenda or a dirty secret, even if I'm sat on my own reading. He has so many stories in his head that he has totally made up but he's convinced himself that they're true and I'm a terrible, terrible person.

I've tried being totally open, I've tried hiding anything he might make an issue of, I've tried ignoring him and doing whatever makes me happy but nothing changes his behaviour and I am so tired of it. As far as trust goes his behaviour has been far worse than mine!

He seems to have a lot of trust issues that stem from family and previous relationships.

I don't want to lose him but I won't keep livign like this. Can anybody offer any suggestions please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 11:52am
You have two options:

1. Accept him the way he is and stay with him. Realize that he will forever find fault with you, accuse you of crazy things, twist everything you do into something bad and call you a "terrible person". Do not complain about the situation, because you already know how he is and you are intentionally choosing to attach yourself to him, and be aware that he is NOT going to "change". Ever. And be aware that your entire life with him (for however long you can stand it) will be EXACTLY as it is now. You'll be tiptoeing around trying not to set him off, but it won't work and you'll have to deal with this again and again and again, forever.

2. Realize realistically that he's not going to "change", and leave him for good. Realize that you are a good person who doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Realize that any promises he makes to "change" are only a ploy to get you to go back to him, and he'll be nice for maybe a week or two, then go right back to his awful treatment of you because he believes he's right and you deserve to be treated that way. Consider therapy to try to figure out why you believe you "love" a man who treats you this badly.

The imaginary third choice, the one where he suddenly realizes that he's been treating you badly and morphs into a man who treats you lovingly, with respect and trust, and who would never again even dream of treating you the way he has been, is a fantasy that will never happen. There is no magic formula that will make him "change" and there's nothing you can do to "help" him, because this is who he is. And trying to blame it on family or previous relationships is just a cop-out, because we control our own behavior. And even if he has some sort of undiagnosed mental or emotional illness, that really doesn't matter because you'll still have to deal with his bad treatment of you. The reason isn't the issue, it's the way he treats you, which sounds horrible, no matter what other "wonderful qualities" he might have or how much you believe you "love" him.

The only way you can stop living like this is to "lose" him. You can "lose" him and find someone who won't treat you so horribly, and then you'll wonder why you put up with it and what took you so long to ditch this paranoid, emotionally abusive loser.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 12:39pm

wow stillstanding .. that is the greatest post I have ever seen on here and all so true.

to the OP.. I was married to a guy that was like that.. It is called mental and emotional abuse.. You are two years in and your intuition and gut are telling you its all wrong but you are not listening and trying to make yourself into a pretzel (all twisted) for this guy.

I can tell you from experience it is not worth it in long run.. Your whole life will yes be walking on eggshells around him. Is that the way you want life to be..?Always waiting for him to attack..Its not the way a loving , caring and supportive person is supposed to be but I think you know that already.

If you are young enough there are plenty of great guys out there.

Good Luck

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:42pm
Be prepared.

He'll promise you the world. He'll promise to go to therapy, if only you'd just come back to him. He may sign up for therapy, may even attend one session. Then he'll claim he's "cured" and quit therapy after the first session. Then, of course, he'll go right back to his normal abusive self.

Or, he'll say he realized all on his own how awful he's been treating you and he doesn't need therapy, not really, because he knows he's been wrong and he'll stop. But please, please come back because he can't make it without you, or he misses and loves you so very much. Again, he'll play nice for a couple of weeks and go right back to his normal abusive self.

OR, he'll become angry and claim you mean nothing to him and he's glad you're out of his life. Then he'll bombard you with calls, texts and emails berating you for destroying your relationship and his love for you. He'll say everything was fine until you chose to ruin everything. He'll say it wasn't his idea to end the relationship, but yours, and now you both have to be miserable apart. He'll use guilt to try to make you feel bad and take him back. Then, he'll go back to being abusive, etc. etc.

Any of those tactics could work if you allow them to. But it would be best if you are prepared ahead of time for his reaction and plan your response. The best response would be something like "I'm sorry but I've made up my mind. Until and unless you join and stick with a therapy program, I won't even consider getting back together. Please respect my request and do not contact me in any way."

Also realize that if he uses any of those tactics I mentioned and you go back to him, guaranteed he will go right back to abusing you mentally and emotionally, only it will get worse. Not only will he feel the need to "punish" you for daring to leave him, but he will also know you don't really mean it when you insist he needs to get therapy and stick with it. Ultimatums only work if you actually follow through with them.

Good luck and I hope you do stay strong.

BTW, thanks for the compliment freeatlast! Unfortunately, I only know about this because I too have been theere...:smileysad: Luckily I got out like you did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 11:40am
When he comes to pick up the dog. Have a friend give him the dog. And you do not have any contact with him.

This is for your own wellbeing. You dont need to put yourself in a position of where he can manipulate the situation and keep you tethered.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 2:38pm
Most people who are having issues say " but we have good times together, we can be so good together". They are correct, most couples who are having issues can probably say that. You will even find women in abusive relationships say that when he is not abusing me , we are so good together.

You must focus on the issues. The issues here are huge from the sounds of it. They have made it untenable for you. Don't let him suck you back in with sweet talk because you know whats coming down the line, more paranoia. Personally I would end it now, but if you want to give it a chance, demand he get counseling or you are gone.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 10:50am

As far as trust goes his behaviour has been far worse than mine!

What does this mean, exactly? 

 

I always have a hidden agenda or a dirty secret, even if I'm sat on my own reading. He has so many stories in his head that he has totally made up but he's convinced himself that they're true and I'm a terrible, terrible person.

Any time you feel like you're backsliding, re-read that sentence.  He has it made up in his mind that you're someone who's not to be trusted and who does horrible things. This is not "love." You deserve to be with someone who loves you for your character, not in spite of what he imagines your character to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 2:21pm

Yes; It does sound somewhat delusional doesnt it?
I was married and now divorced from a sociopathic man.. He would make things up in his head and would scare the beejuzus out of me.. Like that movie gaslighting where they make you think you are the crazy one.. Well? Its all that brainwashing they do on you to make you think you are nuts and they are sane.. I came to find out in therapy and support groups and getting educated was that I was the somewhat normal one and my ex is the abusive , controlling, npd, sociopath ... Yikes that scares me just saying it.

Now we have been divorced for years now but there are still days that I think about it because it was all too nuts.

Now I have no drama but there was always drama with this man....................... I wouldnt wish this on anyone so  heed our warnings OP... You could be lulled into a false  sense of security like my ex;s gfriend..whom just had my ex move in with her.. I dont wish  either of them on each other. (lol) I might read about demise of a couple down in Fla. and it will probably be them..