Passion in relation
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| Wed, 02-08-2006 - 10:41am |
I need some advice in my relation. There are times when I am perfectly happy to be with my partner and yet there are other times when I am frustrated in the relation and wondering when it will come to an end
I am with him for 3 yrs. We are not married and we both have our own apartment. My bf work long hrs 6 days a week, so we can only meet each other during weekends. In order to spend more times together, we normally take turn to stay over each other apartment throughout weekends. We both are delighted during our times together but I can't help feeling something is lacking. I somehow feel that there is not enough passion to keep the relation going. Making love is a scarce event, he talk a lot about it but do not initiate when we have time to do it. I initiated a few times but the whole thing is not satisfying. Most of the times, he can't stay erect. I suspect he feels inferior due to that and our passionate moments became lesser and lesser as times goes by.
Is there anyone having the same problem here? I really hope this will work. I am 38 and my bf is 40. This is the first time I really thought of settle down with a man but yet I can't help to wonder if there is any joy in a marriage with lack of sexual passion. Does a man lose appeal for sex after 40? Another point I am concern about is although he express great happiness with me, he did not seems to miss me at all when we did not get to meet or talk during weekdays or on rare occasions weekends as well.
Any ideas or advice is appreciated.

Hi there,
How long have you two been together? Also, you mentioned that you are considering settling down but has he expressly said that he is looking for that as well? If he is not, perhaps his lack of enthusiasm (and that's what it sounds like) for your relationship could spring from a number of different areas: 1. could be that he can sense your desire to "settle down" and is internally conflicted, thus the lack of desire or interest during sex, 2. perhaps he is a commitmentphobe and has no real intention of becoming fully engaged in your relationship (thus the lack of passion AND his choice to keep work his first priority (I mean, does he HAVE to work 6 days a week in order to stay afloat or is he choosing to?) or 3. he suffers from sexual dysfunction and is so mortified by this that it prevents him from getting too intimate. Those are just a few ideas but without knowing more about him, it's too hard to say. You would know better.
I am also saddened to hear that he doesn't show you he misses you when you don't see him for weekends. That can't feel good. We all like to know we're missed by those we give our hearts too. And I don't mean "saying" he misses you, I mean doing the things that men typically do when they really do miss you, i.e. calling a lot, sending emails, calling to say goodnight, you know all those things that tell you he really does long to be with you. There are many couples I am sure who have "successful" marriages without a lot of passion. However, ONLY YOU can determine what defines successful. For some people, it means not getting divorced. For others, it means not cheating on each other. For others, successful marriage means living separate lives but still coming together.Still yet, there are those who define it by "doing everything together" and sharing "everything." For some (sadly) a succesful marriage is defined by "well, he didn't hit me this week" or she "didn't nag me to death this week". You see, there is no ONE definition of success in a relationship, be it marriage or otherwise. So, while you can ask others for whether or not they think a marriage can last without a lot of sex or passion, you're going to only get opinions that are clearly biased based on that individual's opinion of what is "successful". So, that being said, really only YOU can decide what you want, expect and need in order to WANT to be with this man longterm. If very little sex, attention and passion is okay by you, then nobody else can tell you it's wrong or right. If, however, you are dissatisfied with how it is going, it would be a good idea to let him know what you think the relationship is lacking, come up with ideas on how to address it, and give him some time to see if he'll be willing to work with you to make it more satifying. If not, you probably have the answer you're looking for. If so, then it's a great step toward the two of you making something that works for both of you; not just what works for him, on his schedule.
There can be a lot of passion without sex; there can be passion about the relationship, about each other, and more, including romantic passion that doesn't include intercourse. When you say there isn't enough passion are you talking about there not being enough emotional feeling or are you talking about not enough sex?
Having difficulty maintaining an erection is something that most men experience at least once. Sometimes, the mere fact that it's happened makes them so worried that it will happen again that they focus so much (worry) on whether or not it will happen that it does. And the more often it happens, the more they worry, which makes it happen more, which makes them worry.....I'm sure you see the cycle that can result. Men can also have erectile dysfunction that's caused by medical issues; and there are several medications that can help erectile dysfunction too. Stress can also affect his sexual performance. If he's working long hours six days a week, that could very well have an effect. I would say the very first thing he should do is to see his doctor for a complete check up, making sure that his doctor is aware that he's having problems maintaining an erection. His doctor will need to know that so he can check for the right things, order the right tests, etc. If his tests come up normal, he'll likely refer your boyfriend to a urologist. But, since his poor erection function can be directly caused by his general health, he'll need to start with a good check up.
If he doesn't seem to miss you on nights you aren't able to talk or weekends you aren't able to get together, it may simply be a difference in how often he feels it's necessary to be in contact with you. A few days without phoning wouldn't bother me at all, nor would a weekend alone here and there. Especially if he's working long hours six days a week, he probably welcomes the time without needing to talk to someone or be with someone; he may well need the downtime of being completely alone -- I know I would. If that's the case it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it would simply mean that he's secure in the relationship and enjoys time alone too. Don't you want some time by yourself sometimes too, or time to do other things on the weekend? **Edited to say, even if this is a matter of a difference of preferences in being in contact, that doesn't mean you aren't justified in wanting what you want, it would simply mean that the two of you have a difference in this area and it's up to you to decide whether this difference is something you can accept or not.**
What I mostly hear in your post is that there are areas in your relationship that you're not satisfied with and that cause you concern. Your first stop should be to have a frank and serious talk with him about these issues. He's the other half of your relationship and as such, you should be able to discuss issues that are important to you and your relationship with him. Surely your relationship is strong and secure enough that you can talk, right? If you've already talked to him about your concerns, what does he say? If you haven't, why not?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/9/2006 11:24 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
We have been together for 3 yrs. He talks a lot about settling down, in fact he started the topic when we only dated for one yr and at that time I was the one who were not ready to tie the knots. He had to work 6 days a week as his job is not paying very well and he needs the overtime pay to survive.
I had a few talks with him and he admits that he feel badly for not able to erect during sex and worry that he cannot perform while making love with me. He agreed that it may be due to work stress and brought up the point that maybe he should go and see a counselor. However, his job schedule doesn't allow him to do so now. I think our major issue is we have very different definition of a successful relation. He didn't think that sexual intimacy is very important factor in a relation. His thinks that as long as we are happy together and enjoy each other company, we are in a successful relation. Whereas, I feel that even we do enjoy time together, the real factor that differentiates a couple with activity partner is sexual intimacy. I want to be kiss, touch & love by my boyfriend, is that too much to ask for?
He always emphasized that he is already 40 yrs old and can't perform as well as a young kid sexually. I fear that 2nd life point is valid as he is constantly worry that he can't maintain the erection during sex or worst still cannot erect. Thus he rather not has any sexual intimacy with me. Is there any advice how I can help both of us here?
Cherl
oh wow. all that information really clarifies a lot. Now that he knows how you feel and what you are looking for, is he going to take the action necessary to mend things as best as possible? Is he going to go see a doctor for a physical and then perhaps to counseling? Has he gone online or to a library to read up on EDS? In other words, what's he going to do about it?
And to answer your question? No, it's not too much to ask to get kissed, hugged and touched by your boyfriend. I think it may be time to ask yourself why you have settled for somebody other than what you want......for THREE years. I'm sure he has some great qualities that you love. It must really suck to be where you are right now, after three years, wondering if he really is what you want to spend the rest of your life with- if you will be truly happy with an affectionless man for the next 40 years? Only you can answer that. You might want to consider counseling for yourself as you explore your own wants and needs...also for the support you'll need if you decide to break up.
It sounds like rather than suspecting what his feelings are regarding his sexual abilities, you know exactly what they are since you say that you have discussed the issue with them. Based on what you said in your last post it also sounds like he believes he knows what the cause is. As you know, until you take steps to actually do something about the problem, the problem won't change.
It sounds to me like you're in a relationship with someone who's always working, can't perform sexually, isn't physically affectionate and doesn't share your preferences for contact (he doesn't seem to miss you when you can't talk some nights). From what you've said here the two of you have very different feelings on what is necessary for a happy relationship. In order to have the happy relationship you want, you'll need to be with a man who shares your feelings and wants the same kind of relationship you do. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is that man.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"