Passive-Aggressive husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Passive-Aggressive husband
18
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 9:33am

I’m having major problems in my relationship with my husband of 1 and 1/2 years. I feel like I’m nearing the end of even wanting to deal with him anymore. He says he wants things to be better, too, and that he knows what he needs to do, but he simply won’t act.

He’s so freaking passive. He’s like a baby bird or a burn victim or something. The slightest negativity will just set him off, then he shuts down, acts wounded, blames me. We can't argue about anything. I can’t bring up any problems with him, because then he wonders why trying anything new will help. And he’s so afraid of being wrong that he becomes frozen and won’t try anything.

He avoids the responsibility of an decision then holds it against me if I don’t do what he wants (which he won’t voice anyway). He feels so inadequate, he is self-sabotaging. I can’t have any male friends anymore because he's so hyperaware that I may want them more than him. And that self-fulfilling prophecy may come true, because he witholds sex from me. He says it's just not that important to him, but it is to me!

I’m not sure I have the strength or willingness to nurse him through this. He’s like a ghost in his own life, always hoping to sneak by without notice. Yet he’s digging his own grave here, but everything is too much for him to deal with – things are too intimidating, too overwhelming, too much. I can’t ask him to do anything that requires speaking up.

This morning there was a utility truck blocking our driveway. They were replacing the fire hydrant in the front yard. I swear he would’ve waited hours for them to leave instead of simply asking them to let us out, so I had to go out there and talk to them.

He doesn’t want to see a therapist because he “already knows what they’re going to say.” I give him books to read and he stops halfway through. I state simply and clearly what I want and need and he just won’t comply! He says he’s got no complaints about me, so what’s the problem? How can I spell this out to him?

I don’t want a divorce. I want to work these problems out. But how can we if I’m the only one who admits there’s a problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:45am

Yep, you can show them the path, but they're the one who has to








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 9:58pm
I believe almost everyone has some redeeming qualities, many have very attractive redeeming qualities. But the question is whether the non-redeeming qualities outweigh the redeeming ones. I look at my ex-h's new girlfriend and I feel bad for her. He's spending all this time going with her to family functions and working on the relationship. It was like that with me in the beginning, until one day he didn't want to go with me anymore, didn't want to participate, didn't care. I won't say anything, it's not my place, but if I could I would tell her that sure, he's a nice person and a good father (his redeeming qualities) but it's not enough to make a relationship work, that someday his laziness, disinterest in sex, lack of desire for intimacy, strong video game addiction and knack at getting the women in his life to 'fix' his problems and support him financially are going to weigh her down.

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Registered: 04-26-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 5:54pm

I learned from your post. I am in a situation similar to you, but the genders are reversed. I just left a counselling session where my wife identified a big behavior change that she wanted me to make. It involved action that she believed was needed to make us a more popular couple "socially", which in truth, is much more important to her than me. I agreed to try to make the change. The counsellor then asked her what she was willing to do to help resolve our marital conflicts, and she could not think of anything.

She then accused me for making changes suggested for the "gasp" improper purpose of improving myself irrespective of whether our marriage ultimately is preserved.

I believe what she really wants is continued assurances that I will be there to make sure that she is comfortable while we continue to dance around our problems. (She repeatedly says she wants our marriage the way it was, even though I told her that I was so unhappy if it remained in that condition that she could expect our eventual divorce.)

I have our counselling on a tight timeline -- but I see better and better that I just am enabling her behavior. And, I think you are probably right -- she will not change until she wants to -- irrespective as to whether we stay married. And, I can't do anything about her decision -- it has to come from her. In fact, maybe my willingness to work at behavior changes that she asked for is just more enabling, although I believe that you never waste effort in trying to understand and improve your self.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 10:44pm

Nice to see you back, Runningonempty ~


Like the saying goes, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."


I'm glad if my experience gave you an "aha", it's my hope that others won't spend as much time in a futile attempt like I did. Learning the hard way is a hard way to go, an much of what I see is in hindsight. Looking back it's all so obvious, but I didn't see it. During those years I had blinders very firmly attached, I didn't see the signs that were right there in front of me, but then I wasn't looking for them either, I was looking for indicators of him changing, any small glimmer that gave me reason to think (however unreasonable that was) there was a chance. I don't wish that kind of waste on anyone.


It sounds like your wife is making herself very clear. As if only being interested in changes that will elevate your social status (which will not change your relationship issues, and I know you know that) and not being able to come up with anything she would be willing to do to resolve your relationship conflicts isn't clear enough, she's made sure there's no doubt where she stands by repeatedly saying she wants your marriage to stay the way it is, even knowing you're unhappy and have told her divorce will come.


It sounds like she's pretty self involved to expect that the only changes that are acceptable are those that benefit her. She doesn't seem to be capable of comprehending the concept of self improvement for the purpose of improving oneself! Her statement I'd think gave you reason to step back and evaluate this person you're tied to.


She's not feeding you any lines or giving you any false hope, you know exactly where you stand and you know she has no intention of doing anything to change/improve your marriage. I'm not trying to be cold here, Running, but under the circumstances, thinking/hoping/expecting things to change/improve isn't reasonable.


It does sound like you're enabling her. She's gotten what she wanted, work on social status and she's given nothing. She lives her life all about herself and she's gotten the message that yes indeed, it really is all about her. Not that it would be possible to convince her otherwise. I don't think though, that you'd have gotten any agreement to work on your problems regardless of what you did. She doesn't have a give-and-take kind of mentality. Narcissistic is how I'd describe her behavior. I agree that an effort to try and understand and improve yourself is never a waste, but is working on your social status an improvement of self? The only one who's working for improvement is you, and you don't need her to do that, in fact, she's hampering your progress, not helping.


I assume by saying you have your counseling on a tight timeline you're saying that you have a clear time in your mind that you'll need to see some significant improvement by in order to continue your marriage, is that right?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex



Edited 7/21/2005 1:59 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:13am

That is correct. I gave her a firm six month date for evaluating whether there is any reaonable likelihood that we can and/or are willing to do what it takes to try to fix our marriage. 3 weeks are gone.

I am so angry with myself for falling back into the same enabling pattern of our relationship, and I am somewhat resentful of the marriage counsellor for not calling her and me on it. I intend to tell both my wife and marriage counsellor that at the next session on Monday.

For a lot of reasons, I have become a person who is so wrapped up in solving others problems, that I don't take care of me. (I am just abot the classic "make everyhing all right" child of an alcoholic parent and later a child in an early sixties divorce with a mother and one significantly whacked out sister.) It is chilling some times to read people describe your life and have to say, yes, that's me.) I think that I have to fix this issue. I re-read a book about setting boundries, and I realize that I have set no boundries for what I will do for may wife. The mistake is mine.

I am so resentful about the whole relationship now, that I see I cannot do what my instincts just about always tell me to do -- make an unconditional offer of something that my wife wants in the belief that she will, out of affection, address omething that is making me unhappy in our marriage. It is counterituitive to have to "bargain" with a spouse, but I guess that is what my process has come to.

I am a poster child for not setting relationship boundries. That is one bit of media exposure I don't need. I hate the concept of "co-dependence", but that is what we are. I need to get off this train.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:39am

"That is correct. I gave her a firm six month date for evaluating whether there is any reasonable likelihood that we can and/or are willing to do what it takes to try to fix our marriage. 3 weeks are gone." Good for you, setting a firm date. Six months is a very reasonable amount of time to expect to see some significant changes. I think you've said before, but I can't recall, how long have you been married? How long has this been the status quo? You've drawn your line in the sand and made yourself very clear to her. It's in her court.


"I am so angry with myself for falling back into the same enabling pattern of our relationship, and I am somewhat resentful of the marriage counsellor for not calling her and me on it. I intend to tell both my wife and marriage counsellor that at the next session on Monday." I'm kind of surprised a therapist would let that happen, aren't you? Watching dysfunction play out in front of him/her isn't what therapists are supposed to do. I'd be interested to hear his/her reaction to your confrontation.


"For a lot of reasons, I have become a person who is so wrapped up in solving others problems, that I don't take care of me. (I am just about the classic "make everything all right" child of an alcoholic parent and later a child in an early sixties divorce with a mother and one significantly whacked out sister.) It is chilling some times to read people describe your life and have to say, yes, that's me.) I think that I have to fix this issue. I re-read a book about setting boundaries, and I realize that I have set no boundaries for what I will do for may wife. The mistake is mine." I hear you in how chilling it is to read other people's descriptions and it's you, right there in black and white. Recognizing that as a child you were the pleaser and seeing how that affects you and your relationship today is a huge step in changing that. You've read books on setting boundaries (which is good) and you've talked to the couples counselor about working to make improvements in yourself, but I wonder, are you seeing a therapist individually to work on your issues? I would think they can't properly be addressed or focused on in couples therapy and whether your marriage continues or not, cleaning up those issues will benefit your life.


"I am so resentful about the whole relationship now, that I see I cannot do what my instincts just about always tell me to do -- make an unconditional offer of something that my wife wants in the belief that she will, out of affection, address something that is making me unhappy in our marriage. It is counterintuitive to have to "bargain" with a spouse, but I guess that is what my process has come to." Yeah, your instincts really aren't helping you, are they? It sounds like you've about been tapped dry (hence, your name, I'm sure). Marriage should be about give and take, it feels wrong to be thinking along the lines of refusing and withholding favors, niceties, etc. because you're not getting anything in return. It feels wrong and somehow selfish, because that's not what were supposed to do in marriage. But marriage is give and take, it takes two cooperative people to make a partnership and a marriage, and if one is doing all the compromising and giving then it's dysfunction and ending it is appropriate and healthy. I do understand, you just want her to be fair, caring, compromising and a willing partner in a healthy, happy, appropriate marriage. It isn't that hard, so why won't they just do it? You shouldn't have to "bargain" with a spouse, that should be left to business deals, used cars, things without a heart, not emotional stuff. And since it seems like such an easy thing to do, I guess maybe that's part of what keeps you there, it doesn't seem like it would be difficult to achieve. What I've said before is that good relationships are easy, you still have problems and struggles, but you work on them, compromise and resolve them and move on without them. So why would anyone continue to work so hard to keep a bad relationship afloat, when a good relationship would be much more rewarding, happy and easier too? Something that occurred to me, and I don't know enough about the details of your situation to know if it applies or not, but you were the "pleaser", you give unconditionally expecting your wife will in return give what you want and what pops in my head is the fact that only you can make yourself happy, only you are responsible for getting what you want and need. In some way could you be trying to make her responsible for your happiness? Like I said, it's just a thought, I don't know if it applies or not.


"I am a poster child for not setting relationship boundaries. That is one bit of media exposure I don't need. I hate the concept of "co-dependence", but that is what we are. I need to get off this train."I'm sorry you don't like what you see in where you are, but recognizing it and knowing it's not where you want to be is heading down the right track of making a positive change.


Good luck, Runningonempty. If you stick to your guns your life will be better, happier, healthier, easier one way or another. You deserve that. Keep us updated, will you?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 10:35am

From experience, 17 years worth, with a man who has passive-aggressive tendencies - it's a personality trait/disorder. Extremely difficult for them to recognize, even harder to change. It can be blatant, or subtle, but these people have this trait coded into their genes.

My ex never saw in himself the things other people saw. If he saw a chance to subtly hurt someone, he would. If you questioned him about it, he'd look at you like you had two heads. Mr. Innocent? How could you think such a thing about him? The funny thing about these people is I think they secretly enjoy inflicting hurt they just don't have guts enough to be a full-blown physical abuser. I think they see everyone as an enemy or a potential enemy. Few people have ever truly accepted them as they are. Anyone who has ever known them has probably made mention of their behavior and they get tired of hearing about something they can't recognize. It has maybe kept them from decent jobs, relationships, and other successes, but they don't see that. You and I have
the ability to recognize when our behavior is affecting our life and we make appropriate changes; P/A people don't because they blame everyone else for their trouble. It's never them, it's always someone else.

My ex's behavior kept me off balance for years because, afterall, he was supposed to be my husband, the person who loved me. Why then would he say or do things that could be so easily taken as hurtful? Over time I learned there was a lot of jealousy and insecurity in him. He had zero ability to empathize or sympathize with anyone. No one else's feelings were important but his. He hated to see anyone else happy and would deliberately sabotage vacations, holidays, and celebrations. We had a child and my ex became a miserable excuse for a father.

After 17 years I could take no more. Like you, I began to view other men with possibility. I wanted someone who would give me the love my ex couldn't seem to do. I hated ending my marriage, especially for my son's sake, but guess what kind of father my ex turned out to be? The man hasn't seen his kid in 6 years! He got remarried 6 months after he left home, took on some other woman's children, and has completely broken all ties with his only biological child.

I'm not going to say that men like this are sick; but there is something missing or rearranged in their personality makeup. They can never be truly happy for some reason. It's as if they seethe inside and blame everyone close to them for every large or small unhappiness that has ever happened to them. Their emotions are dulled or skewed and that makes relationships very difficult.

Unfortunately, the way they are seems perfectly normal to them. It's everyone else who has a problem. The more you find fault with him the more he will resent you and find ways to passively fight back. Unless HE can recognize his own failings and commit to change then there's little anyone can do. If he doesn't realize what needs to change and if you can't accept him as he is, then you're doomed to many years of unhappiness and divorce is probably somewhere in your future.

I wish you the best. I hope that maybe your husband will have the courage and insight to let the counselors help him remold his disposition, not just for the sake of his marriage, but for his own long-term success and happiness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:41pm

Another sobering aspect is that even if he's interested in changing himself (which I don't think is very common with these kinds of issues, the success rate for resolving the problem isn't necessarily 100%, or even close to it. There is such a thing as "the best that can be accomplished" and it may well be far from a level that's acceptable for being even an adequate partner in a healthy relationship.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Understanding the Opposite Sex








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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