The past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The past
6
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 9:45am
My problem is this, both my BF and I have come from very long term marriage (25 years) and have similar stories as far as our spouses cheated, and hurt us. We have been seeing each other since around October and I broke off and went back several times due to the fact that I didn't see any divorce being processed and although they live apart, I didn't like this. Well now he tells me she filed, but the problem is this, although he is very attentive and nice to me, there isn't one date we've gone on without him getting back to how he'd like to kill the other person his wife cheated on him with or something about her. I don't expect him to be over her so quickly since I know from being in the same situation that it's not that simple, and I feel he likes me a lot, should this bother me? Should i give it more time I know I'm not over the hurt, but i try not to bring ex up, but when he does I find myself talking about my ex which I don't want to do at all.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbernie
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:38am
JMHO, and not moralizing ~ You are dating a married man. You could conceivably be subpoenaed into court at his divorce to testify as the Other Woman. Many people return to their spouses, even after filing for divorce. My rule of thumb is that it is always better to let about a year pass between a divorce and a new relationship. There are all kinds of issues to be explored with yourself before you are ready to begin dating. And it doesn't matter how long a person has been SEPARATED. It is the actual legal divorce date that seems to matter. Nearly every divorcing person goes through a rebound relationship before remarrying. I have been the rebound woman. It is not pleasant. There are all kinds of issues that linger for months, if not years, to poison a new relationship. Maybe this will spare you hurt. Take this all with a grain of salt, if you wish. Best wishes ~ C
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: mbernie
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 7:42pm
While I agree with Memphis that you need to be careful about getting involved with this man (who is obviously still very hurt by his wife's affair), you didn't mention how serious you are hoping this relationship will become. Are you hoping to get married to this guy, or are you just enjoying yourself after being tied to one man for so long?

As to his constant references to his ex and her "other man", I just think that after 25 years being married, he doesn't know any better than to not bring up the subject on a date. Does he know that it bothers you? You say that you have been seeing each other since October, but you didn't say how long you have known each other. It may be that he doesn't know you very well yet. Could it be that he is not a very good conversationalist and he just doesn't know how to get you talking about more appropriate things? Do you have engaging discussions about other things?

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbernie
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:49am
I know this is not the most ideal situation to be in at all, anything could happen, he could go back to her, but isn't that true with any relationship. The thing is that right now the relationship also helps me and I do enjoy his company and we seem to be on the same wavelength about what we would want for our future, while his wife just wants to date and nothing serious, he would like to get into another relationship and is not into dating a lot of people and being a player. He enjoys a monogomous lifestyle, etc. He has told me he cares for me a lot. I am not considering marriage or anything as serious as that. The thing is that I don't want to be just someone filling the space of her and that's the way I feel when he talks about her. Should I mention it or leave it alone since I feel I should start dating other people anyway, since if he takes as long as I did to get over ex, he has a long road to go. I'm still not over the hurt even though I am over ex. I know that sometimes he is a little short on conversation and he admitted this. It's hard after being in something so long and conversation flowed naturally to now think of things to fill in the silences, but that's no reason to talk about her. I don't believe in the rebound theory, the next person after a breakup is always the rebound person in some way. I know people who dated someone for years, broke up and married the next person in a year. Every situation is different. The fact that he is not divorced yet doesn't bother me and I don't in any way consider myself the OW. I would never do that especially after the hurt that that has caused me. They are living apart for a long time and she knows of me, and has told him they can't be together. So what we have here is just a case of him bugging me to death with talking about her and I do understand that for 25 years she has been a part of his life like my ex was to mine, but shouldn't you at least try to not bring it up. I do believe what he tells me regarding their reltionship although maybe I shouldn't believe anything until i see it, but my brother-in-law who knows him told me everything is true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: mbernie
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 7:25pm
If you want to date other people and this guy is driving you crazy talking about his ex, why don't you just end it with him? It sounds like he would like a more serious relationship than you are willing to give him anyhow. I'm sure that you will find someone out there that knows better than to constantly bring up the past.

April

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbernie
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:24pm
Respectfully, you are right. Everyone and every relationship is different and has the potential for all kinds of things. But I am giving you my best opinion on 50 years of living, seeing tons of divorces in the courtroom and hearing all the gory details, and having had a 25 plus year marriage and a three-year subsequent relationship.

Point one: Actually, I don't think you run the risk of someone returning to a former spouse in any relationship. You could easily choose someone who has worked their way out of a former marriage or relationship and is well "over" that preceding person.

And it would seem to me that the first step toward your future together would be his divorce. You may not consider yourself the Other Woman with all that entails, but to his wife, yes, still-wife, I am not sure you could be seen as much else. You will never know what is in her mind and heart. Put yourself in her shoes. Enjoying the company of someone else and getting what you need right now emotionally would not be enough justification for me personally being involved with a married man. Just remember, if he one day decides he would like to be involved with another woman, whether he is married to you or just committed to you in some degree, his values and morals will entitle him to seek someone else while he is still with you.

And true, the rebound theory is just that, a theory that some people subscribe to, but I do believe there are studies that indicate that about 90 percent of post-divorce relationships do not end in marriage or long-term. But yes, you can have a long-term relationship with someone fresh out of a relationship. My current relationship is such an animal, and that is why I know first-hand all the extra issues you face when one or both parties are still not over the former spouse. It can be painful for years!

He still talks about her because he is still enmeshed with her. It is not simply poor manners. It is what consumes him now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
In reply to: mbernie
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:29am
Your posts speak volumes. You're absolutely right, he has a long road to go yet. A person who is still thinking about vengeance against the person his wife cheated on him with has some work to do before he's available - right now he is NOT. All I can say is use your head and don't expect too much too soon, he IS still a married man, and some couples decide to call off the divorce. I think you're wise to date others in the meantime.

 


~~joannaran~~