The past...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
The past...
5
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:16pm
I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months now, and we already have some major issues. My boyfriend has a girl friend who he has mentioned that they have been intimately involved with each other right before we met. He told me that he doesn't see her but as a friend. She always calls him and always tells him she wants more than just to be friends and that she wants to be with him in more ways than one. Is that right for him to keep her around? Is that healthy? They also got together one night and hung out and had a few glasses of wine and didn't tell me til the next day and told me he was 'proud' of hisself for not doing anything with her. Is that right or am I just over-reacting to this situation? Is it ok to bring up the past? My opinion you only tell so much and you never mention other people you have been intimately involved even if they are friends. I don't like having that mental picture drawn in my head every time I might see a girl that is a friend of his. He always brings up the past and I always tell him I don't want to know and then an arguement always breaks out. He said he will never introduce me to this girl either. I am confused about this whole deal. I am getting tired of going around in circles and nothing is getting ressolved. Anyone got any advice?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: navy21
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 1:38pm
Well, a couple of things. First of all, the fact that he will never introduce you is a VERY big red flag. If they are just friends, then there is no reason not to introduce you. Does he give you a reason? I was in the same situation once and he said that he wouldn't introduce me because she wanted more from him and that he didn't want to hurt her by flaunting me. Turns out, she was his girlfriend. He was lying and cheating on both of us.

The other thing is, he was "proud" of himself for not messing around with her. Not sure about you but I don't think I'd be happy with a guy who sees NOT cheating as some kind of major accomplishment. To me it sounds like it's something he normally WOULD do and that by NOT doing it, he did something extra special.

Keep your eyes VERY wide open, and decide if this is something you want to tolerate. He's probably cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: navy21
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 10:57pm
Today I actually had a long talk with him about that and his reason for not introducing me is that he said she will say something like 'yeah, he and I had sex just yesterday' and she will be a mean to me just to despite me because I am with him. He also said that he doesn't feel like putting up with it since she doesn't like me to much. I would figure if he cares enough for me it wouldn't matter what she said to me because she would be lying. I don't get that? He also told me today that she has a boyfriend, but she jumps around with boyfriends like changing a baby's diaper. I told him straight out tonight that I don't want them hanging out by theirselves until I actually meet her. He gave me an example that if say that she calls and wants to go to lunch one day. I told him that would be fine as long as I know where you are going and tell me who you will be with. Since he works a late night shift, he says that it would be too late to call. I told him it is never to late to call and tell me where you are going. I thought that was kind of fishy myself. I also questioned him why he would have to be 'proud'. He since him and her always got together something always happened like sex or messing around and he was 'proud' that this time nothing happened. I still think that wasn't a good enough answer. There is also the point that I am leaving to the Navy in May and I don't want to know that he and her will be hanging out all the time. I know her type and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. I made a lot of good points tonight to him and made him realize a couple of things, so I am going to see how it goes and see if he actually introduces me to her. I see no point of him not introducing me to her. He shouldn't even have to think about it, because like any women, you would think something was going on. After tonight of our talk, I will just have to see if he understands where I am coming from and give it time. But I will not sit around and wait and keeping wondering who this girl is. What about that? Am I putting to much trust and to open-minded about this situation and just blind?
Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: navy21
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:43am
You can't trust this guy as far as you can throw him. He is always hanging out with this girl and has admittedly told you that he always messes around with her. What makes you think things will change and why are you so sure that he isn't still messing around with her. They probably did have sex yesterday, and he doesn't want you to find out from her. You can do so much better than this. You can't trust this guy why you are still here, what makes you think you can trust him when you leave?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
In reply to: navy21
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:07am
Well, I'm all for men and women having opposite sex friends, it IS possible! But there are tip-offs in your post that say this "friendship" is more. That it occurred to him after a few drinks he was proud of himself that he didn't DO anything with her indicates it was on his mind. Also that he says you'll never meet her is a bad sign, if there was nothing going on or if he wasn't so inclined anymore, that wouldn't be the case. If those two things indicate what I think they do, he needs to be honest with you. If you want an exclusive relationship, which you are entitled to, tell him that's how it has to be.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: navy21
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:30am
I find it strange to, that he won't introduce me to her. He shouldn't have any problem unless HE really is guilty of something. He has lots of girls who are friends and most of them he messed around with. Why would he offer so much information about these girls? Wouldn't that just bring more conflict? Why tell me? It doesn't matter, and I wouldn't ever want to know what he had done with girls who he calls friends. What matters is OUR relationship? I think if this girl was a friend she wouldn't try to draw him away from me but be more supportive and a 'friend' if that is what she really is.

We were fighting one day and were pretty mad at each other. He went out and met two girls off the interent. He claimed he needed a girl's opinion on me leaving to the Navy and advice to help him get through it. He said one girl wasn't that attractive and left. Then, one girl he had a little in common with, and they ended up going back to her place and have some wine. Umm..I don't think so. That didn't fly by me. He said the she tried to kiss him and backed off and said he had a girlfriend. Wouldn't he had mentioned that a long time ago to this girl? He said he doens't spill everything. I mean, come one, if he wanted someone to talk to, why couldn't it be one of the girls he already knows and what would it matter what they looked like? We had a huge arguement over the limits of meeting people. He actually thought that was ok, and especially not mentioning he has a girlfriend before hand. That just gets the girl to think 'hey this guy is actually interested' and the main reason why that girl tried to kiss him. I don't care if he has friends that happen to be girls, but he could come out and tell me how many. I would think at the beginning stages of a relationship, you would come out and tell who your main social crowd is. It is another thing to mention someone new six months later. We had a huge arguement and finally led into an actual converstion about the extent of meeting people. He hasn't done it since then, and he says he hasn't. What I wonder, if when I am gone, he will go meet some more girls? I don't know if he really just has a low self-esteem, just likes the opposite a bit better for friends, or what the deal is. I believe him for the most part. More and more things start to add up, and a person can only take so much of the same thing and nothings get ressolved. I don't know what to think.