paying
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paying
| Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:13pm |
Hi. I need some help. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for like 5-6 months..The problem is..he like never pays for me. In the beginning it was okay bc we would split or hed grab the tab once in a while. Now that we r official...and we r having sex for a while now..I dont understand. We got 2 slurpees today..and its like a buck something each..and like he went to pay first akwardly and he only said one..and then the guy behind the counter said oh r u together. hes like Oh I guess. it was like 2.56 and my BF asked if I had change. I said no so hes like oh i guess ill use another dollar. I know hes not broke. he always suggests fancy dinners he has nice clothes..and i saw where he lives..besides the fact that its a dollar. Im his first GF but come on what an idiot. So today for dinner we went to a casual strip..and we deicded to get 2 appetizers. We decided on a soup and i didnt say anything so he paid the 5 bucks for it and he said after, "Oh ull pay for the second part of dinner right?" im like oh ok..it was 6 bucks. The other day we went to a comedy club. He had class so he asked me to get the 37 dollar tickets combined on my credit card and I said ok. He said hed pay me back but he never said anything after that about paying me actually back. At the comedy club we had to order food and drinks bc they make u. It was 20 bucks and like the check came and he did nothing. After 10 mins im like why dont u pay for this and u dont have to pay me back or the tickets. I felt like he was like epxecting ME to pay..like im the girl..hes my boyfriend. Everytime he makes me pay for my part or doesnt take initiative like "I got it"" I feel cheap..I feel sad and depressed like I shouldnt be happy. I get distant and cold towards him and dont wanna hold his hand. I get upset and angry. I dont feel like I can bring this up w him w o it being akward. He paid for vday dinner but come on. like every SLURPEE..he makes no initiative to pay.. even a dollar. i hate this. I usually dont mind splitting stuff but EVERYTHINg and he puts it in my court its so akward. I dont even know if i wanna go out w him tonight to a party bc im so annoyed at his behavior today..i dont like going to dinneer or whatever w him bc the money and paying issue bothers me..help i like him but this bothers me so much . i cannot tell him..how can i hint it or make him realize?

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Okayyyy...that's why I'm suggesting that you TALK about it before you go! Another option would be to have the talk I suggested then *give* him the amount of money you can afford before you go on the trip, and he would just pay everything...no muss, no fuss.
It doesn't sound like your talk was much of a talk...did you actually TELL him the part about romance, etc or is that all stuff you're saying to yourself?
Sheri
I don't get it. You're both in the relationship why aren't you talking WITH him about what his thoughts are on paying instead of TELLING him how you think it should be? His thinking matters just as much as yours. An agreement and compromise is what you should be looking for, not dictating how things should be.
I see a big red flag with you telling him that now that you're a couple he needs to be more romantic and nicer to you. Honey, he is who he is, he's not going to change. If he's not nice enough or romantic enough for you now he never will be. In fact, his niceness and the amount of romance is going to drop off not increase. I'm thinking this isn't the guy you want. Getting a guy and going around trying to change him into what you want isn't right and doesn't work anyway.
It doesn't sound like you had a talk. It sounds like you talked and he just listened.
You need to have another talk with him, and this time talk in both general terms and very specific.
I dated a guy awhile back with whom I also had problems with his paying style. He wanted to always go dutch, down to the penny! (Not an exaggeration. At dinner once, he was bothered that one of us was going to have to pay one cent more than the other.)
One night when we were staying in together (so money wasn't an object at that point), I brought the issue up. I told him my views on dating and on men paying, and I asked him to tell me his views on the issue. Then I said we needed to work on a compromise, as I wasn't feeling satisfied with the dynamics between us when we went out. For example, I have money and don't mind paying my share, but I want to feel like we're out on a date -- not a friendly outing. So, we compromised, and he would pay for both of our meals one night, and I would pay the next. He also agreed to pay for both of us if we were going to get ice cream, etc. When we went to movies, he would buy the tickets, and I would buy the refreshments.
But these were all specific agreements that we worked out that night at my place. And when we went out after that, things were much better.
You need to give specifics to your guy about what it is exactly you want. Talking in general terms doesn't always help. (Although you should ask about his views on dating and courting, because it can be quite insightful!)
Good luck!
"i kept on talking and he wouldnt say much."
It might help your relationship if you could hush a little bit and hear what he has to say. If things are still awkward, it's because he hasn't shared with you what his solution to your problem will be, beyond trying to be more sensitive to the issue.
It also sounds as if you have some other dissatisfactions with the relationship, so maybe you'll want to give some thought to whether or not this is really the guy for you. There are lots of other men out there, and most of them will have had more dating experience and have developed more maturity than this guy.
Hi, this isn't an awkward situation at all, unless you want it to be.
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