Perplexed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Perplexed
5
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 8:27am

Hello all. I am new to this board and

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: india2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 2:21pm

My question is, should I be worried, and most of all what's the best way to handle this situation?


Honestly.


You've both sneaking around hiding things.


You want him to be honest ... but you're spying on him.


You'll have to tell him what you know & ask him how you all can move past the sneaking. If he's missing something from the relationship, he needs to speak up so you both can fix it.


"insignificant" matter to his attention and accused him of wrong doing ...


What is the policy for outside friends, between you both?

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: india2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 9:30pm
Welcome back, India2009 ~ Sorry to be here so late, it was busy enough at work today that I wasn't able to so much as peek in!

You may not remember, but you have been here before:

Money Issues

I just got home and have some things to take care of before I can sit down and read/reply to your message, but I wanted to post the link to your previous post as soon as I could for the benefit of others who may be checking your post.

You might read through your old post and replies too, it can be quite beneficial, even when it doesn't seem like it possibly could.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
In reply to: india2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:34pm

It seems very suspicious to me. I'd have a hard time ignoring that information. The problem is that you can't confront him without admitting you're snooping, which he can then turn around on you and make your snooping be the issue rather than his calls to her. All he has to do is tell you the calls are innocent, and you are making a big deal of nothing, and then find a way to block you from seeing his calls (change phone plans, change the password on his account, or get a separate phone maybe a pre-paid one to call her from). Then you'll be right where you are now, suspicious but unable to really do anything about it.

What does your gut say to do about it?

Also, what has happened with the issue about money/drinking since you last posted.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: india2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 2:15am
Some questions I hope you'll let me know the answers to:

In the incident three years ago: *Did you accuse him of wrong doing as he said?
* Was it let go as a "insignificant matter"?
* How was it resolved, what was your agreement/understanding in the end, or did it just die down and stop being talked about?
* You said he called her back the next day and apologized, apologized for what?
* I know you said not to ask how you knew he called back and apologized, but how do you know?
I don't ask these things to be snoopy, I ask because they have a lot of bearing on your current situaiton.

In the current incident Why do you think eight or nine calls is "insignificant"? Does he speak with other female friends around you? If so, I think it's pretty significant, certainly the fact that he only calls when you're gone is concerning and raises great suspicion. How long have you been checking his phone log? Are there other women he calls or has called in the past or is this the only one?

The problem with snooping is sometimes you find exactly what you were snooping for. Once you have that in your hand you have the dilemma of making your snooping known or keeping quiet about the whole thing. Hard to keep quiet when you're concerned he may be cheating, or working up to cheating.

When you posted here before there was a lot of tension and problems in your relationship, how have things been since? Have those issues been resolved?












"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
In reply to: india2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 11:22am

Hi India, sorry to hear what you are going through but IMO, there should be no secrets. And talking to someone secretively (even if he isnt cheating now) can not lead to anything good. Bc even if she gets the wrong idea, she can push for him to make bad decisions. Its about keeping yourself out of situations that can lead to others that you regret.


I agree with the person that said that you need to focus on what is off in your relationship that he feels he needs to turn outside of it.


Good luck.
C