personality clash!
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| Sat, 01-28-2006 - 7:33pm |
My awesome guy and I have been dating for 9 months, and there are too many great things about our relationship to name. We have great conversations and a lot of fun together, have great communication and chemistry and adore eachother. The problem that keeps creeping up on us is our great personality differences. We have the same values and priorities, but while he is laid back and cool, I am a total Type A. I feel like we have to have plans all the time, and he will just take it as it comes. I get really upset at things he would let roll off his back. While when we are apart I like to keep in touch and send texts, he doesn't like to always have his cell phone with him. This frustrates me.
The way this affects us most though, is in the way we show affection. I am naturally just more hands on, and if i don't feel like he's the same way sometimes, i get hurt. We get into fights about this, and its started to take its toll. I tell him that sometimes I feel unvalidated because he doesn't seem to be available for me when we aren't together and when we are, he is too "cool." He ends up feeling like crap and wondering if he's the guy who can really make me happy.
See the problem here? I am wondering if anyone else has been through this and has advice. I even thought about getting a self-help book but felt that was a little desperate. I want this to work with our personality differences, but I need some help!

This isn't about you being type A and him being laid back. Rather, the root of this problem is your self esteem (or lack there of). One can be a planner and a do-er, but still be able to give their partner some space.
Expecting him to be available on his cell phone whenever he's not with you is unrealisitic and very needy. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean that he should be contactable 24/7. And even if he is contactable, it's nice to give some space.
Regarding validation, the only person who can give you true validation is yourself. You can't blame your parter if you feel invalidated (is that a word?).
I suggest that you learn to find ways to keep yourself occupied so that you don't feel a constant need to be reassured that he's still there. Get some new interests and build your self esteem. Learn to trust that even though he's not thinking about you this minute doesn't mean that the doesn't care.
Again, the same with the touchy feely thing. I'm betting that you're relying on his physical touch to reassure you that he still cares. As your work on your self esteem and confidence and this problem will go away.
My husband's fairly regimented, likes to have his agenda planned while I like to fly by the seat of my pants; maybe I know all the stops I want to make on a given outing, but I don't begin to plan for what time we'll leave, how long we'll stay at each stop, etc. He prefers to have it all figured out in advance. We handle it by him making it known if he wants to leave by a specific time, be somewhere at a specific time, etc. I try to be mindful of his preference and ask him if he has time frames in mind, etc. For the most part it's not a problem, and honestly, it's because he lets it go and just goes with the flow unless it really matters to him. I can't say I'd be as accepting if he were insistent that things be done rigidly. By discussing the issues that really matter to each of you and compromising on how to handle them from now on you should be able to resolve the problems. If that doesn't work, then it's clear that while your values and morals are compatible, your personalities aren't. What you need to keep in mind (much as I know you don't want to) is that the time period you've been in the relationship is a pretty typical time frame for finding personality issues that make an otherwise good relationship not do-able. And if you're not able to resolve this with compromise and it's driving you crazy now, I guarantee you it will be a bigger problem for you down the road.
Aisha's right though, the example you gave doesn't sound like a Type A or B issue, if the example you gave is a good representation of the kinds of problems you're having, what I offered above doesn't apply. It could be that he wants and likes more time apart than you do, and that's certainly a personality issue, but doesn't have anything to do with being laid back or rigid. Is what you offered a good example of the kind of problem you typically have? If not, can you give us a different example?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
hi,
i so totally understand what you are going through. i am 19 and my boyfriend is just about 20 and we have been together for just over a year. we are both in college and live in two different states but for the most part we have been able to see eachother every weekend sometimes every other. and we are definitely the exact same personalities that you mentioned in oyur post. i am soooo totally type A and he is most definitely a roll with the punches kind of guy. my biggest problem in my relationship is not when we are together, its when we are apart. i feel unimportant and not appreciated as much as i was when we first started dating. he would call me many times a day just to say hi and i love you. and anymore it seems like i have to pull teeth to get a goodnight phone call. whether its hes out with the guys, doing homework, or just chillin aorund his house; he always seems busy when he is trying to talk to me and i feel shoved off. we have been arguing about this for more than a month and at times we fight everyday and they spill into multiple days. i have no idea what to do a few friends have told me just to break up but i cant do that i just love him too much. but i can go on crying everyday and feeling like i deserve to be trated better. maybe i'm just overreacting but i cant help it he used to be soooo overly sweet can caring and now its a big deal to call me.
sorry i could not offer you much help but at least we can both find solace in the fact that we are not the only ones going thrugh the same type of situation. if you find out anything that might help i'd appreciate it. ill see what i can find too. good luck
Iugurl, I disagree with your friends that you should break up with him. (assuming that lack of phone contact is your only major issue). The main reason being that you are going to find this same problem with almost any man.
When people start dating, the initial lust and excitement sends them a bit crazy. They do stuff that they wouldn't normally do. Then when the dust settles, they fall into a routine that is more normal for them.
What you are seeing of your boyfriend now is normal for him. And quite frankly, is probably 'normal' for most guys. I remember a male friend who's girlfriend used to want to talk to him on the phone everynight, and then have a goodnight phone call as well. It used to drive him nuts...he'd say "OMG, I just need some SPACE". It got to the point that he used to leave his answering machine on in order to get the said space.
Iugirl, I suggest that you look inwards to find the appreciation you need. Find a way to trust that even though he's not thinking of you all the time, that he does love you anyway. I see this problem as being primarily based in your own insecurities than in anything he's doing wrong.
I would say that the self-help route is not desperate at all. Just like counseling is not for "crazy" people. These things are all there and available to people who care enough to take the time to engage in self-reflection. I wish we all did it...there'd be less strife in this world.
But yes, I agree that you sound kind of insecure and needy. Don't worry...we've all been there. I'd say you've probably wrapped your whole world around this guy, huh? Women tend to do that and it's also a sign of immaturity. I've caught myself throwing my hobbies and plans by the wayside when I fall for a man. Not a good idea...and not healthy. He should accentuate your life, NOT be your life.
Iugurl08, I think the only "solution" you're going to find is in compromising (being able to let go a bit and not expect daily contact). You're right, the problem you're describing isn't at all uncommon, it's typical of girls to want more contact with their boyfriends than their boyfriends want to give them. I understand that it didn't used to be this way for you, it's also typical for couples in new relationships to be much more focused on each other, sometimes to the point of completely dropping all friends and being totally focused on each other (not a good thing). As the relationship becomes more settled, the focus naturally shifts (you can't keep up the intense focus for ever, you'd both burn out!), friends become more important, doing things without each other becomes more important, more attractive, more desired. That doesn't mean your relationship is going downhill, it means it's grown to a higher level; one where you can be apart, doing your own thing and still be secure that the relationship is solid. For some reason (and I think self assuredness, feelings of independence and belief in yourself have a lot to do with it) guys tend to want space long before girls do; often girls want to be with their guys 24/7 for years. I would suggest instead of trying to convince him to be there to call you every night you find yourself some activities and friends to occupy your time with so that you don't need his calls and aren't home to take them even if he called. Guys like girls who are independent and not "needy", nothing says independent and "not needy" more than going out and getting your own life, not needing contact from him all the time. If you feel like having a long distance boyfriend has you missing out on too much (wanting to be able to see or do things with your boyfriend more than once ever week or two would be understandable) I'd suggest taking your relationship down a notch, agree to continue to see each other, but also be able to date other people.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"