Physical Appearance

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Physical Appearance
8
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:57pm

How much does physical appearance mean to you in your marriage? (i.e. weight, skin color, faults, etc.)

If your spouse changes his/her appearance over time, would you still be attracted to him/her?

What are your limits?

What are the consequences from a dramatic weight gain? Would you be turned off to sex?

Is it okay if a spouse is unattracted to you if you are overweight and brushes you off for sex?

Comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:23pm

Physical appearance is gonna change...there is no ifs ands or buts on this one. True love is not predicated on physical appearance. Did you see the Superbowl commerical where they aged Flavio....it makes that point very well.

In relationships where this is the case the person eventually looks for someone that is closer to whatever their model is once their partner changes. VEry shallow and leads to an unfulfilling life of relationships.

However, being physically healthy, taking care of yourself, and wanting to look nice for your SO is part of a healthy relationship. If you don't love yourself enough to do these things then it is going to be hard for someone else to love you....and that is about more than just the physical aspects.

Some changing weight is normal and expected....in middle age, obviously for women around childbirth, if medical issues arise, and during highly stressful times. But none of these should significantly challenge true love. This is no more clearly seen than when poeple have weight loss reductions and even plastic surgery in gerneral and then guess what.....while the physcial changes the emotional issues are still there and they are no happier.

Your questions are so general, and therefore so are the answers. If you want to share more specifics with your situation, you may get some people that have dealt with similar issues giving more practical advice.

Best of luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:33pm

Sorry, my questions were meant to be general as I had posted my specific problem on another board. I agree true love is not predicated on physical appearance.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 2. Shortly after our 1st anniversary I noticed that sex didn’t happen. It hasn’t happened but once in the last 10 months of our marriage. I talked to my husband about it and he claimed he no longer had the “urge” or that he had an ED problem. So, off we went to the doctor to ask her for Viagra. She ran some tests on his testosterone levels (after it took 3 months of coaxing him to go), they were normal. He recently went back and they tested him for hyperthyroidism, tests were negative. We had been fighting on and off for these 10 months and decided it was best to separate for a month or so and see how it goes.

2 weeks into the separation, I found out through a mutual friend of ours that he is not sure if he loves me, not sure he wants to be married, and is no longer sexually attracted to me and has therefore, been abstaining from sex. He said he did not have a sexual problem. He said that I had changed since the wedding, in other words, gained some weight and he was no longer attracted to me. I was completely devastated to hear this when we had always had a healthy sex life before this. I recall him saying he was bored but he wouldn’t discuss how to make it more exciting, so I didn’t press him. He has never once said anything bad to me about eating or exercising, he always said that didn’t matter to him. So, my first question was, are you cheating? He vehemently denied this to me and 10 other people who had asked. I still feel that something may have happened with someone else and he’s comparing them to me but I dropped the subject for now and feel that if it’s true, it will come out later.

I’m mad mainly because he lied to me and is a coward for not telling me himself. I feel like I can’t believe a word he says now. He said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But there are ways to approach difficult subjects and he didn’t seek out advice from anyone. He chose the most hurtful way. Back in March I got him a Cialis pill and he claimed to have taken it. But I asked myself, how does he know he doesn’t have a problem? He knows because he never took that pill and was still able to perform to completion with me. He didn’t have a problem. But damn, it was the worst sex we ever had. He was not into it at all, never touched me except where he needed to of course.

So, we have been separated for 3 weeks now and he’s completely miserable without me. He realizes now, after I am not talking to him or seeing him, that he loves me and needs me, wants me, and misses me. He wants his marriage to work out and is even considering counseling….something he absolutely refused before. He left me my favorite hard to find purple roses in our bedroom while he was visiting when I was not home yesterday. He wants to talk to me really bad and work this out. My question is how can you work this out, when I feel like he does not truly love me? I too feel like someone should love you no matter what you look like. He married me, that meant he accepts me no matter what right?

Do you think it’s possible that he didn’t know he truly loved me before and the separation made him realize it? This man is very complicated and doesn’t have intuition inside of him. He’s never been able to decipher his feelings. Do you think during the separation he came to realize he truly does love me no matter what? Now that I cut him off from contact? I just think that once he sees me or talks to me in the coming weeks, his miserable feelings will go right back to where they were before, where he doesn’t love me, or is not attracted to me. But I guess whatever will be will be. Now that he’s been to the house, he sees the signs of goodbye….i.e. moving boxes, no wedding photos, painting rooms, realtor business cards, etc. I’m in “moving on” mode right now but refraining from making permament decisions. Before the separation he said he loved me he just didn’t know how he loved me….I sent him a text message today (first contact in almost a week) and I asked if he really loved me and he said yes..I asked how he loved me, as a wife or a friend…he said, “BOTH”. I then asked, as a lover? He replied, yes.

I am hurt that he would say such things about me when I had no idea this was coming. He has never said anything bad to me about my weight, like don’t eat that, or you should exercise. For God’s sake he is no beanpole! I am overweight but not lazy. I could be working around the house all day and he would lay on the couch and eat chips all the time! I walk the dogs way more than he does. I eat vegetables and salads, but never gorge on food the way he does. But you know, I overlooked all that in him because I loved him. Of course you will not always love everything about someone.

I just don’t know if I could ever stay with a man that may or may not be in love with me strictly based on my physical appearance. I am not ugly and I accept myself for who I am, skinny, fat, medium, whatever. I have nice teeth and pretty eyes and hair, and I’m also beautiful on the inside which is most important! My BMI is a 34 and I’m well aware of that. I am working to become more healthy for me regardless of what he thinks. I’m not making any permanent decisions right now. I might agree to counseling to explore these issues and then make a decision on our marital status. I am not shying away from divorce either. I am very confident in my ability to start over too. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 4:58pm

Physical appearance is fairly important to me and I know it is to my DH. He's a tall guy and was slim when we met. He's gained a bit since then and has a tiny bit of guy tummy hanging over his belt. LOL That doesn't bother me at all because I still feel he's very attractive. I've gained a little too but I do run almost every day so I should stay reasonably in shape. If he gained too much it would probably bother me. In my first marriage I worked out constantly and had a personal trainer. The ex did nothing and gained a lot of weight. I did set a weight limit and told him that I wouldn't stay with him after that point. Keep in mind though, I was 18 at the time. I did lose all interest in him sexually then, and I really never got it back. Regardless, we stayed together for years and he was a very good friend. In the end though, I wanted the whole package, not just a good friend.

Also since meeting me my current DH has grown a mustache and well shaven beard. I've never liked that on men before but for some reason love it on him. I'd be pretty disappointed if he shaved it. He says it's a lot of work, but keeps it for me. As for me, I've always had long straight hair. He loves it curly, so I permed it for him and wear it curly. I like it either way, but I know how much he likes it curly so I do that for him.
I want him to be proud of how I look, so I do always try and look nice whenever we go out and I never slouch around the house in old sweats or anything anymore like I did in my first marriage. (although I will wear his boxers and a t-shirt)

I guess in my 2nd marriage looking nice for each other has become more important, but things like weight and such have become less important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:49pm

Physical appearance is important to DH and I. Neither of us expect the other to look like a model, but it's no secret that we prefer the other to stay within a healthy body size. We've been together for 14 years now. He's gained about 5 lbs in that time and I've put on about 8 lbs. (4 of which are unacceptable to me) However, both of us are still well within a healthy body size.

At present I've returned to work and have less time to exercise and am consequently struggling to not gain weight. So, the plan is to get up early for a 3 mile walk before he leaves for work.

However, there are differences that we accept too. For instance, DH likes women with long blonde hair - and I wear my hair cropped really short and red. I like it like this -but I know better than to say "do you like my new haircut?" LOL

If either of us were to put on a large amount of weight, it would probably cause problems in the relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:12pm

I think physical attraction can almost be a mystery.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:52pm

I think it's very likely that there were other problems besides the weight issue; especially since the no-sex came on "coincidentally" very shortly after your marriage. I think the clues were there since he gave two different excuses for no sex, "no urge" and "ED"; these are not the same problem at all. Those with ED want sex, they just aren't able to achieve or maintain erection. I think it's clear that there are other problems and issues as he admitted to not being sure he still loved you and in being interested in someone else, however fleeting that was. I think often feelings of loss of love or interest in someone else is an indicator of problems, rather than an indicator of a failed marriage or "no use" in trying. I think it's likely that in leaving you he realized there was more there than he'd realized and he realized he didn't want to lose what he had.


I also think it's entirely understandable why you'd be so hurt, so confused and so unwilling to trust him; how can you trust, he turned your world upside down and said and did things you never dreamed he'd say or do. Any security you felt with him went straight out the window. It's not possible to trust someone when you have no idea what they might be capable of based on the shocking behavior you've witnessed. It is, however, possible to regain that trust over time, as he proves he's trustworthy.


I'd urge you to agree to try again, but I'd insist on seeing a couples counselor together to work on the problems that exist, and to work on resolving the damage that's been done as a result of his action. Be sure the therapist is licensed, accredited, certified or otherwise professionally qualified to work with couples, you'll find some therapists/counselors who are qualified only to work with individuals who offer couples counseling as a "service". Unfortunately, without the appropriate training and certification, they are not qualified and, as working with couples is vastly different than working with individuals, they most often wind up doing more harm than good. More harm, you don't need. Be sure yours is appropriately qualified.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 8/1/2006 3:08 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:18am

You know, I had an epiphany tonight and I owe it to everyone on the message boards here. This sure is a lot cheaper than a therapist. I have agreed to try and work on this marriage. My husband is now scared of the thought of losing me and is willing to go to counseling. I'm not saying this will be an easy road. We have to both be willing to do what it takes to work this out. Tonight, I realized a lot of things, way too much to type here but I did try and put myself in his shoes and really understand why he made the decisions he made. While I was hurt by what he said and how he felt, I sort of understand it and can oddly justify it with a few footnotes of course. It's even possible I would have done some of the same things he did.

While there are no gurantees in life, there is always hope. If you work hard, the rewards are priceless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:38am

It sounds like you've hit on some important things and made some good realizations and decisions. It really sounds like you're on the right road.


Best of luck, Tibro345 ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"