Please advise :--(
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| Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:38pm |
First let me say that I'm shocked I'm back here, but it was helpful to me a couple of years ago when I was going through a very tough time with an ex.
Second, I since have met a new man and we recently got engaged. I have never been happier and am so in love with him. He is wonderful to me and treats me like his angel.
My situation is this. For the first time ever in our relationship I have become a little insecure. Although we are engaged, and although he took me on a mini vacation and treated me the entire time, I got a bad feeling last night when he kind of said he was crazy. I kept asking what was wrong and he wouldn't answer OR say that it was nothing and I would say he should Trust me and that I was getting worried. He said not to worry but had repeated himself with the crazy line a couple of times.
We both had a couple of drinks but I'm sure this wasn't in my head. I told him to tell me if I was being paranoid but I felt that he was afraid to tell me something. He didn't really respond. Just said he loved me over and over. Today at work I am uncomfortable and insecure and very distracted.
I have never felt this way in our relationship ever. By the way, our parents havn't met and we really haven't started real discussions about the house we are buying or the wedding itself. I am nervous that what he wanted to say was that now that we are engaged he is overwhelmed.
When we woke up this morning we said "Goodmorning Mrs. ___" and gave me hugs, but things still felt off to me. I just had a feeling. In my last relationship which crashed and burned in a seriously bad way I ignored a lot of my instincts and it ended up they were correct. My instinct here is that the wedding stuff spooks him. I may be way over reacting . I would just feel better if he called or returned my text message.
My sister says not to contact him. Oh yeah, I texted him this morning and he never responded which is VERY OUT OF THE ORDINARY. My sister said not to call or text again and give him space, but I am a mess and for the first time in this relationship I dont have a clue of what to do....
I broke down and called and he said he was glad I did, that he did get my prior text and that he loves me. He sounded down and not so great - conversation sounded tense. We are gonna see eachother later after work. Should I give him space and not mention this to him later or should I bring it up for a discussion.
I'm just worried about him and us, although I've never been worried about us before. We love eachother so much and are engaged to be married. ???????
Please advise.

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Beth, I see that you say you've been her before, but you're name doesn't sound familiar, is there another name you used to post under or am I just having a memory lapse?
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My past posts have nothing to do with this situation stated in the post. The past posts had to do with a completely different relationship and dates back over 2 years.
I just meant to state it was helpful here before so I considered posting here again.
Please let me know if I have provided enough information.
Also keep in mind that 9 months is a relatively short period of time, particularly to start making life decisions like getting married.
In this situation I would not agree with not contacting him, I think contacting him was the right thing to do. I think though, that you have to take it a step further. Sitting down with him and discussing what happened, what is wrong -- or what was wrong is vitally important. If he's having marriage concerns, you need to be able to talk about it, the two of you. If he's having other issues and perhaps has mental health issues or concerns (maybe an episode that's never happened to him before?) he needs to be able to talk to you about it, be open and honest about what's going on. If this man is to be your husband, being able to talk about any and all issues should be second nature. If he isn't willing to discuss this with you, I would say that's a very concerning sign. What else won't he discuss, now and in the future? If he knows you're confused, alarmed and concerned (and he should be able to see that pretty clearly) and still refuses to talk to you, that's a huge concern.
I think you need to sit down and talk with him about what's going on, not from a "I'm scared you don't love me" or "I'm scared you don't want to get married" standpoint, but from an "I need to understand what's going on." standpoint.
Let us know how it goes.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I did call yesterday afternoon and it made me feel so much better. He said he was glad I did and that he loved me. It was our usual "how is your day" mid-day call.
Well, I was still concerned because he sounded a little low. I decided to wait until the evening. When I got home from work he called and I told him about my concern based on our discussion the previous night. He said that he promised nothing was wrong and that he would get upset if I brought it up again. So I stopped and changed the subject.
I went over to his house last night and he was fine. Howevr things seemed a little tense. Its just something that I sensed. I do not believe it is about our wedding anymore. In fact, I am beginning to think it is a personal thing to him and possibly not about "us." I've decided to stop being paranoid and have faith in our relationship.
I am gonna give him some space and not nag him about it UNLESS a few more days go by and he is still a little off. He is the most wonderful, sharing, giving, sensative to me, caring man I have ever known.
I think sometimes my old relationship fears creep up in me and I take them out on this one - which is so WRONG because my fiancee has NEVER once or even REMOTELY acted the way my ex did to me.
-Andrea
He is obviously upset, mutters over and over that he's crazy and you're concerned that this is your issue? That it's old relationship fears creeping back in?
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"I think sometimes my old relationship fears creep up in me and I take them out on this one - which is so WRONG because my fiancee has NEVER once or even REMOTELY acted the way my ex did to me."
Oh man, can I relate to that sentance. :) I did the exact same thing when I was first dating the man I am now married to.
Sometimes guys have personal stuff going on that they don't want to "burden" you with. Now may not be the best time to bring it up; but, at a better time, let him know that you feel marriages and relationships are really about being partners and helping each other out even if the only help you can offer or want is venting and listening.
I think you made the right choice to let it go, at least for a while. See if he seems to work it out and things go back to feeling "normal" to you in realtively short order. Your gut instinct probably was right that SOMETHING was amiss with him, that doesn't mean it's NECCESSARILY something you have to worry about. If your gut is telling you now that everything will be fine; listen to it, just like you did when you sensed something wasn't right.
My husband sometimes come home completely grumpy (Like I don't ;-) ) and he just doesn't want to talk about it. When it happens I just ask him if he's upset with me or if something is up with us? If he says no it's something else, I just let him know that I'm hear if he'd like to talk.
Granted your fiance shouldn't have started muttering if he didn't want to talk. It's not fair to get us all curiuos like that and then not appease that curiosity. It's sooooo frustrating. But, personally, I'd give him a pass and chalk it up to alcohol induced diharea of the mouth. :)
Thank you. Yes, my gut is telling me to take a step back and let him breath. Even though I understand that he should talk to me about what is on his mind, which he always does, I do know we have a partnership and love and respect between eachother very much.
I am just going to let this go for a little while. Truth be told, I probably would have gotten more out of him that night if it where the case that I was not so intoxicated. He didn't really have much to drink - I definately had much more and when alcohol is in the picture sometimes perception oand conversations can be exaggerated or misunderstood.
I know my fiancee is a completely different man than my ex and will give him an opportunity rather than paralleling his behavior with my ex's past bad behavior. I trust my fiancee and I will act like that UNTILL given a reason not to.
I do not believe he is HIDING anything from me. I also dont believe I need to know EVERYTHING that he thinks about unless it directly effects me or us, which is why I am giving him breathing room here.
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