Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Please help!!
13
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 1:34pm

I've been dating Mike for 7 months and I love him dearly. He was emotionally and physically (non-sexually) abused during his childhood and teen years.

He's very intelligent & educated, and is the head of a large company.

The problem is that he does not like for me to show emotions. The emotions he disapproves of are if I get too excited (happy, laughing gregariously, making silly comments) or if e.g. I lose something and show any anxiety about it, or any emotional crying or being even (in my opinion) mildly upset. On the few occasions I've cried and have been upset about something he has become quite agitated and has said he knows I'm beginning to "rage," & become "hostile," he usually ends up taking me home because he says I'm "out of control." Sometimes, just certain random words disturb him -I used the words "training pants" in a sentence & it disturbed him to the point that he had to bring me home and leave my presence.

Same thing happens if I become passionate about something and my voice takes on a higher pitch sound of excitement about whatever it is......... To his credit, he has really been working hard on letting these "emotions" of mine roll off his back, but I can tell that the things I do still disturb him.......any ideas?

This has never been pointed out to me by anyone else in my 45 years

All and any comments are greatly appreciated.




Edited 1/23/2007 7:21 pm ET by daisy4u2007

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:54pm

I'm wondering why you're staying with a man who "doesn't allow" you to show emotion and suspects your every inflection.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:25pm
Thank you for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:09pm

Did you post about this before? I tried doing a search, but seems the search isn't working... I remember a post about non-verbal cues and gestures.... wondering if that was you or someone else.

Personally, while some inflections, gestures, and even sarcastic remarks can be a way of covering real anger, or just being passive aggressive, from what you wrote, I'd say 1) he's over-analying you and every word, gesture and emotion you make in an attempt to what? Control you. The thing is, no matter how you present it, he won't see it your way.

::if I become emotional or upset about something and express myself verbally with tears, or anything above a calm, level headed voice it disturbs him to the point of loudly saying he will not put up with my "rage" "violence" or "hostility." If my voice goes into a higher emotional pitch sound (even on the phone) he will tell me that he "won't deal with it."

If I were you, I'd be wondering why he's so out of touch with emotions that he thinks everything you do and say are at the far end of the spectrum and unacceptable to him? What's his issues? Did his mother or father 'rage'? Or does he just hate all emotion or all confrontations? Or maybe he just want to control you...

I'm not sure you could go forward with point it these things out. Are you two in counseling? I wish I could have found that other post.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:22pm
Did his father and mother rage?? Yes, he was physically (nonsexually) and emotionally abused his whole childhood.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:32pm
I bet he had to walk on eggshells with them and therefore reads non-verbal cues too well. So well, that normal people, that aren't going to fly into a rage, don't have a chance around him, because he still continues to operator from his childhood experiences and I'd be willing to bet that you can't save him or help him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:42pm

ITA, this is also his way of controlling his environment at this point so as not to have to contend with the painful triggers of his childhood.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:59pm

I wonder if he may have some type of neurological disorder. My son has asperger's (a form of autism). While he can speak and function to the layman's eye at or above average, he cannot interpret facial expressions, cannot understand common "sarcastic statements", cannot hear outside of literal. Many aspie's function high multi-tasking, but interpersonal skills are their drawbacks. It may be that you have become a "safe" person to your partner, and he is able to express things with you, not realizing the effects/consequences of his words/actions. At 8, if someone giggles at what my son would determine an inappropriate time, he spout off... shut up you stupid idiot. something to taht affect. and while just using those words gives him consequences, it almost offends his whole being that he will take the consequence for using bad words, so long as he feels he has "rectified" the situation (his words not mine!).

i could also be totally off-base, but many an undiagnosed aspie who has grown into adulthood will complain of abusive upbringings. They are not always enjoyable children to have/raise... and sometimes spanking or yelling when you dont understand there is a problem would seem to me to be the only answer. I would say I would have been an abusive parent had I not known instinctively when he was a newborn that he had issues and searched until I found answers.

Good luck.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 6:38pm
Thank you all!! These are all very informative and helpful points.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:30pm
Daisy, knowing that he was abused as a child, I would say it's pretty certain that is the root of his intolerance.


Therapy is in order to work through the abuse issues so that his past can stop affecting his present and his future. However, working through these things is something he'll have to want to do. Will he? Does he see this as a problem that he needs to "fix"? From the way you describe the situation I don't think so. Until he wants to change it by doing the work in therapy, nothing will change. There's no guarantee he ever will want to do the work, many go through their entire lives not willing to work on their issues, and even if he does, there's no promise that the situation will dramatically change. Not to say it can't, but it doesn't always; sometimes it's a matter of "the best that can be achieved".








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: daisy4u2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:17am
Itwinflame, you're right, the search function is down; they're working on it. I don't think Daisy's been here before, at least her name doesn't sound familiar to me, but I could be wrong.










~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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