Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Please help!
9
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:18am

I am so sorry you have to read this. I need to EXPLODE somewhere though. Dh's 2 kids were here for 2 weeks and are going back to thier mom's house even though he has full custody. He is allowing her time with the kids and his daughter (6) is doing very well in school there versus here. Anyhow, mother in law has hubby's 2 kids. Thier mother is coming to get them on Thurday. MIL has called here 2-3x a day wanting to talk hubby. When I reply he is sleeping she calls our cell phone every 2 hours on his breaks at work. The ONLY reason we have that cell phone is so every 2 hours on his breaks he calls me to talk, check and make sure the kids and I are okay, etc. Well, we went to Six Flags on Sunday with them and at that point she forced him to ONLY play with his kids. My 3 kids and myself were completley by the wayside and did our own things all day. I was miserable! He has told her at my demand.....to back down, its not happening. Anyhow, DH just now calls home....after a week of NOT calling because he is on the phone with his mom and his kids, he just now calls. Asks if I can call his mom and have her call him asap on his break so he can talk to the kids. (no long distance on our cell phone). I said "ok" and he was like "thanks, bye". Ummmmm....what? It is so not christain of me to be jealous of him and his kids but I am. How do I overcome this? Its like when his kids are around or on the phone, me and my 3 kids are a third wheel. When they aren't here or on the phone, we are his family and he treats us like it. I have tried calmy talking to him about this and he gets irrate! He is soooooo up his mom's butt until recently when I told him he needs to get off her left boob! Thats when he wrote her a letter saying WE make descions. When we met them in St. Louis Sunday, he jumps out of our van and into his mom's van. I drove the rest of the way to Six Flags alone with my own 3 kids. I wanted to go back home so bad!!! The whole time we were together, she had hubby hang back a distance with her and filled his head full of stuff! This is a few things I was fortunate to overhear:


"You know , since your ex has the kids on medicaid in Texas, they look at that like the state is supporting those kids and they will garnish 50% of your wages"


"The kids have cried so hard for you, they want to come home so bad "


" (3yr) is wetting the bed and really acting up, its because your giving them up"


"Your gonna loose these kids for good"


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:37am

Welcome to the board, Bodylogics ~ You've got some pretty serious problems. I think you're going to hate a lot of what I have to say, but it's what I see.


First of all, I'm a little confused about the custody/visitation situation. At first I thought his kids lived with you but were now going to live with their mother, but by the end of your post it sounds like they live with their mother and have been with you for a visit only. How often does he see them? Depending on how often that is, I'd say paying a lot of close attention to his kids while they're here is appropriate and understandable. I can understand that this could cause some hurt feelings and confusion in your kids, but I think with some work and agreements between you and you husband, it could be worked out. I'm thinking you take your kids somewhere, just you and them, for some special time with Mom (being a remarried mother, I know there's a special bond that's strengthened by those times and is appreciated by the kids), which leaves him and his kids time to focus on each other.


What I hear is that your husband is being controlled and pushed by two women, his mother and you. She insists this and he jumps, you insist the other and he tells her the two of you are in charge. She calls on his breaks, which irritates you because he calls you every two hours on his breaks. Why in the world would he need to call you every two hours, and why would you want him to? Seems to me you'd welcome mom calling him and taking the "call shift" off you.


His mother's exaggerations and accusations are designed for guilt. You can't "get her off your husband". His relationship with her is his, and his responsibility, not yours. He makes the choices for his relationship with her, not you. You may not like his choice and you may not like her actions, but it's not yours to "get her off him". You said that attempts to discuss this with him result in his defensiveness. Sometimes that's due to the way the issue is delivered. There are some articles (therapist approved) that offer some great suggestions on constructive arguing in our Information and Resources section:

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

I would also suggest seeing a licensed couples counselor to work on the issues, I think it's the best move you could make.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:27am

Cl-2nd life posted my thoughts about this exactly. Why in the world does your husband have to call someone, whether it be you or his Mom every 2 hours? Does the man ever get to have a quiet break from work where he can just relax with no phone calls? If I were him I'd turn my phone off. Is there some medical reason or something as to why he'd need to check on you and the kids, or his kids that often?

I was also wondering about how you said she made him stick with her and his kids the whole time you were at the theme park. Why could you and your kids not walk right beside him? I guess if it were my hubby, I would be right there by his side walking if I wanted to be a part of the conversation.

Would your husband be open to only allowing the children to stay a few days at a time with their Grandma, rather than 2 weeks? Maybe that would minimize her stress a little and his since he wouldn't be needing to call her so often. I know inlaws can be a real source of stress in a marriage and it's hard at times not to let them get to you. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:28am

No worries, I needed to hear a few of those things:


1. He has sole custody of his kids. He has been in the Army stationed in Holland for the past 3 years. We were just married April 2005. He had his kids that whole time, the mother has since cleaned up her act and he trusts her more now. At Christmas 2005 he let them go to her in Texas and stay the remaining of the school year, his daughter was failing kindergarten here and he refuses to split the kids up, which I think is good for the kids security. They came here for a month. 2 weeks of that (currently happening) his mom wanted to know if she could have the kids to see them. We agreed. She is 6 hours south of us and its easier for the kids mother to pick them up there versus driving all the way here. They are going back to birth mom for the school year for his daughters sake. After that, we aren't sure where they will reside. Either spend the entire summer here next year or keep this plan going depending on her school efforts and work. We do see them in between. Christmas we will fly to Texas for a week and keep them in a hotel. Other times as his schedule with work allows.


2. As for calling me. I should have explined, I was so upset typing that post I just rolled with typing. I apologize. We live in the far country. My husband works nights 7pm-7am. In January, at 1am we had 3 rough guys ring our doorbell and dumb me answered the door. It just simply was not pretty, I don't wanna go into detail. After that, the house is double locked and we bought a cell phone. I sleep, but noot sound till he is home. From 7am-8am I am completely out unless he arrives home early. Anyhow, he calls at 9pm and again at 11pm to check on me and the kids, just a quick 2 min convo if everything is okay. Then again about 3am just to make sure again. He does this at my request, I am afterall a chicken in the middle of the night since all this. That was my upsetting concern, he hasn't called once since his mother started calling him on every single break. I finally called him at 9pm 2 nights ago and I guess she tried beeping in 3 different times in our 5 minute conversation. She then called me here at home and told me she didn't appreciate the fact she couldn't talk to her son.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:40pm

Counseling now. He's probably dealing with a ton of guilt being away from his kids and a lot of stress dealing with his mother. My guess is that she has an agenda and really, really believes what she does and says is meant to help the kids. However, if he's unable to see that he's being manipulated by her, you pointing it out will not help the situation, it will only make you look like the bad guy.

The issue of you and your kids being made to feel like a third wheel....sad to say that the pressure from his mom makes him neglect his duties to you, HIS WIFE. And again, you pointing it out makes you look bad, let the counselor do it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:56pm

Is there some medical reason or something as to why he'd need to check on you and the kids, or his kids that often?


Well in a prior post I explained the break in at 1am while he was at work, he also had a heart attack 6 weeks ago and just returned to work, so yeah I demand him call me at this point and even after I told him I would be okay and to forget it, he called anyway to chit chat.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 3:23pm

You haven't made a problem. I was just asking about the phone calls because I didn't know why they were so frequent.

I feel for you because I know how upsetting Mother-in-law issues can be. I really do, and I think your husbands Mother seems to really have some issues. I would be upset too if she called me saying she didn't appreciate not being able to talk to her son. (while you and he were talking) His Mother should never be bad mouthing you to him, ever, and if she is then he is the one that needs to stand up and tell her "enough".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 3:25pm

I think you are taking the questions and responses here as being critical of you as an individual and it is not meant to be that way.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bodylogics
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:47pm

Like you've already been told, you haven't made a problem. I don't understand what you mean by your statement "I come to the boards looking for advice on how to break away from his parents and help him become more involved with me and my children, not to help aid him along with his mother and thier issues". I don't understand how you feel he and his mother have been aided by the responses you've received. I had planned to post more to you, but until I understand what I'm not seeing I don't think it's appropriate.


I will say that the scary incident you alluded to makes it completely understandable why he'd call in on his breaks.


I hope you'll repost and explain. No one here is against you, angry at you, or blaming you; not at all. We will, however, always tell you what we honestly think.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: bodylogics
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:22pm

Hi there -- I'm jumping in at the end, hopefully I'm not too late...


1. How do I quit being jealous that he loves and worships the ground his kids walk on and acts like me and my kids are "just here"

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