Please help with boyfriend issues..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Please help with boyfriend issues..
23
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:46pm
Hi... ok heres my issue.... My boyfriend has a daughter who lives 3 hours away & he goes to see her every other weekend... well this weekend is my birthday (Saturday) & so I asked him to be here for it & he agreed.... he was going to go see her tomorrow evening & then return by like 1pm on my birthday... Well the problem is now she wants to come back here with him & stay until monday because of Memorial Day ( she is 8 & is an only child & very hard to deal with). I do love her but would like to spend the day with my boyfriend hassle free.... & he says no way he will not say no that she cant come back nor would he ever tell her that. I told him that doesnt work & that if this is how its going to continuously be then we will not work & he repsonded that he doesnt want to lose me but unfortunately he isnt budging... am I being ridiculous here....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:13pm

Honestly, kudos to your bf for taking every opportunity he can to see his daughter and be in her life. I understand you had birthday plans and I can see him having talked to you and let you know what was going on. I don't know if this is something he does frequently (make plans with you and then change them) but because it's his daughter who he doesn't see often, I don't think it's a problem. She wants her daddy and this is a good weekend to spend time with him. And she's 8. Can you two make plans for another day to do something to celebrate your birthday?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:24pm

Are you being ridiculous? I don't know that I'd use such a strong word....but it is apparent that you don't understand the parent/child dynamic. But that's OK - I wouldn't have understood it either until I had kids of my own ;-)

Sweetie, he's putting his daughter first and this is the way it should be. Girlfriends may come and go, but his daughter will always be a part of his life. What you are experiencing is part of dating anyone with kids.

I agree with Jen - celebrate your birthday on another day. You're grown up enough to understand the delay - but an 8 year old would not be able to understand being brushed off by dad because he's got other plans.

Besides that, if you're dating him with a view to marriage or living together - be aware that there is always the risk that she could end up living with the two of you full time. (If mom gets hit by a bus). Your boyfriend and his daughter come as a package.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:28pm
Thank you..... I see your point..... Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:33pm

farraf2006,

I am in the midst of dealing with step daughter issues as we speak. You can read my post to cl-2nc_life below in the "Off the Topic" section of this board. As hard as it is, and believe me I know, I'm having to do it too, the right side of this to be on is the childs.

You are just the girlfriend.....she is his daughter. No matter how long you have been dating she will always take presence over you. While my DH and I were dating that was always the case for me. It's a hard pill to swollow, but it's the way it has to be. One thing that really helped me was I would think about how I would feel if I didn't have my father in my life. It would have sucked and thinking that helped me see that my step daughter deserved to have her daddy....actually she needed it and she needed it more then I needed a boyfriend.

It has changed a bit now because we are married and I wam his wife. But as you will read in my posts (if you choose) in being his wife I'm still having to make changes and sacrafices because I CHOSE to marry a man with a child. Just like you are choosing to date a man with one. They are and always will be a package deal and alot of the time things aren't going to be about you.

One thing you have to remember is that she only sees him every other weekend. You see him alot more. Unfortunately because of that, you are always going to have to rearrange things for "just the two of you" to be done on those weekends where it really is just the two of you.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:39pm
Thank you so much for your understanding & adivce..... it is so HARD. I appreciate that he is so involved in her life but she gets mad when he tells me he loves me so therefore it doesnt happen around her! She is very hard to deal with & so having to do it on my birthday & I know this seems very selfish... well it isnt appealing at all!! I would appreciate any more input you might have on this subject! Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 7:15pm

farrah2006,

Let's see, she's hard to deal with........um......words of advice.............

RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually RUN FARRAH RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha! Just kidding....but not really.....ok maybe I am alittle. Here's the blunt reality. If she's already manipulating his behaviour towards you at this age it will only get worse as she get's older. Be forwarned too that when she get's into her teenage years it will get worse times 100! Unfortunately if he's so easily accepting this manipulation now, he will always be, so you are going to have to decide if you can live with this.

My step-daugher didn't start pulling anything until after we were married. Well she started to rebell a little before the wedding, but it is nothing compaired to what she's doing now. During the time DH and I were dating DSD really liked me. To be honest with you, if DSD would have made it so DH was different towards me while she was around, I wouldn't have stayed with him. If your BF's daughter is acting out because he says "I love you" can you imagine what she's going to do when you are a blushing bride or having a baby of your (and his) own??

This is a moment where you have an oppertunity to really take a step back and look at this situation and to make a choice that will affect the rest of your life (if you're planning on marring this man). Good luck, and if you get bored feel free to read my post below.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 7:22pm
Thank you again.... this is so hard!! I dont know what to do.... he pretty much lets her run the show... & I cant stand it!! She loves me & always wants to be around me but I dont let her push me around like he does.... this is a child that will throw a fit if she has to sleep in her own bed & wakes us up all throughout the nite.... what usually ends up happening is her dad lets her sleep on the couch but she still wakes us up throughout the night... I dont know..... its a tough situation!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:23pm

farrah2006,

I know it's hard. Trust me there were times when I thought I couldn't do it, DH and I even broke up once because of it. Not because she was being bad, but the fact that it was really hard for me to go from being numero uno in a boyfriends life to second place. It's hard to be in a relationship where your BF is #1 to you, but you are #2 to him.

What you described is very common. DH did those things to an extent until I talked him and made him see that he was infact babying her. The reason they do this is because they feel guilty for not being a more active part of their lives. They feel guilty for not being with their mother's and for the child to grow up without a complete family. That goes double for guys who had both parents growing up because they know what their kids are missing and triple for guys who grew up without a parent because they know what it's like. He's letting her get away with things because he wants to make her happy, he wants to give her everything he can while she's with him to make up for the times he's not around.

My DH did this and while we first were together. What he would do is just give in to what she wanted. We ate where she wanted too, if she wanted a Slurpee from 7Eleven, we would DROP whatever it was we were doing and take her. Basically our weekends were centered around what she wanted. She also knew how to push his buttons, like she would just give him those sad eyes and call him "daddy". It was like once she walked through our door she became a 5 year old. Finally after I knew that this relationship was serious enough (and believe me even then it was still HARD) I apporached him about what I saw. I told him that I highly doubted she watches little kid cartoons while around her 15 year old friends (that she was ditching school with). I told him that in my opinion she looses about 8 years when she is around him. I told him that I knew he felt guilty about not being around for her all the time, but what he was doing wasn't good for her. She needed to be treated more like a young adult then a baby. He luckily agreed and did change. That was my story though, only you know your BF well enough to know if he will listen to you if you want to say anything.

One thing I have learned though is don't be fooled by the "love" she has for you. Not to say that she doesn't. But, remember no matter how much she may like you, you still are taking her daddy away from her and her mother. She doesn't care or rationalize that they split long ago or that mommy and daddy have had past friends. All she sees is the present and you are presently taking her daddy's time away from her. My step daughter once told my DH that she wanted to grow up to be just like me. Now, she refuses to come and see us. Which we are working on, but I was just saying to further explain my point. She may love you now, but she's not going to be enjoying the wedding nor the welcoming of the new baby like you think she is going to. I thought my step daughter was going to have fun at our wedding. I tried to include her and she spent the whole day with me, I thought "She's really ok with this." WRONG. Course, alot of my step daughter's problems stem from her own mother more then me. But still I'm a part of them.

But, anyways I mean think about it. She is going to see daddy making a whole new life with someone else and when a baby comes along, she's going to feel like the odd man out. Daddy's going to have another baby that get's to be with him all the time, not just some like her and she will be jealous of that new baby. It's getting all the things from daddy that she never got. I KNOW that's what we are going to have to go through and I cringe thinking about it. I'm ready to deal with that though. I have been for a few years now. You need to decide if you are. If you aren't, that's not a bad thing. I know that not everyone is able to date a person with a child. I didn't think that I would be and sometimes I still think that. hahaha!

If you want your B-day to be special then go out with your friends for a girls night out. Blow off some steam and then spend an extra special romantic weekend with him after she's gone. It's a bummer, but it can be worth the wait if you make it.

Good luck and keep us posted,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:00pm

You are putting yourself in competition with an 8 year old.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 11:54pm

I do have a couple of things to say Farrah, but before I do I have a few questions:


  • How old are both you and your boyfriend?
  • How long have you been seeing each other?
  • How does he react when she gets mad at his verbalized affection for you?
  • How does she generally act? If she's demanding, threatening, pouty, etc., how does he generally react?


    Thanks in advance for your answers!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








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