Please help with boyfriend issues..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Please help with boyfriend issues..
23
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:46pm
Hi... ok heres my issue.... My boyfriend has a daughter who lives 3 hours away & he goes to see her every other weekend... well this weekend is my birthday (Saturday) & so I asked him to be here for it & he agreed.... he was going to go see her tomorrow evening & then return by like 1pm on my birthday... Well the problem is now she wants to come back here with him & stay until monday because of Memorial Day ( she is 8 & is an only child & very hard to deal with). I do love her but would like to spend the day with my boyfriend hassle free.... & he says no way he will not say no that she cant come back nor would he ever tell her that. I told him that doesnt work & that if this is how its going to continuously be then we will not work & he repsonded that he doesnt want to lose me but unfortunately he isnt budging... am I being ridiculous here....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:27am
Ok.... to answer your questions.....
- I am 29 & he is 40....
- We have being together for 3+ years....
- He caters to her when she gets mad at him for his verbalized affection & then told her that he does love me but wont say it anymore to me if it upsets her & isnt affection it to me when she is around...
- If she is getting her way then all is well..... if not then watch out if he tries to talk to her about her attitude it usually turns in to a battle of the wills & 90% of the time will cry alot say she want to call her mom & will continuously tell him to leave her alone & not talk to her..... & he doesnt really do much of anything....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:53am

Thanks for your answers, Farrah.


Based on what you've said, I don't think this issue is really about your birthday at all, it goes a lot deeper than that and it's a lot more serious.


I will say that any parent should put their child first in a dating relationship, even if the relationship is serious and even if they're living together. The kids come first and always should. I'm not really certain that you don't want kids around as much as you don't want this kid around. If you don't want kids around, I would urge you not to date guys with children. I'm not kidding and I'm not being mean or sarcastic, I'm serious. Kids are something that's not going to go away, if you don't want to deal with them, that's your right (and I can't say that I blame you), but you can't date a guy with kids then get frustrated because he's dealing with his kids. Either be willing to accept that you'll take a back seat to them or don't get in the relationship.


In the little bit that you've described, you've described a child who has full control of her father. He's not parenting, he's simply doing everything he can to keep her from throwing a tantrum. And in doing so, he's teaching her that all she has to do to get her way is to threaten to throw a tantrum. There could certainly be a lot of dynamics at play in this situation; she may not feel loved by him, or she may feel threatened by her father's love for you. However, a proper response would be to reassure her that he loves her too, show her appropriate amounts of affection (verbally and physically) - not at that very moment, but consistently throughout each time he's with her. What's not appropriate is for him to kowtow to her tantrum and reward it by withdrawing affection from you. She wins, you lose. More than that, she wins big time long term. She can make him do whatever she wants at the age of 8? Just imagine what hoops she'll be jumping him through at 16. This kid is a nightmare now and will absolutely become a full terror as the years go on. He's not dealing with it, he's not showing her parental authority he's not establishing his dominant position, he's establishing that she is the dominant one, that she is calling the shots and she can do whatever she wants. Meanwhile, you get whatever she chooses to allow you to have. The thing is, she's not the problem, he is.


You can't make him deal with her differently, and you shouldn't try. He's choosing as he believes is correct in dealing with her, he's choosing what feels right for him. You need to see that this is who he is, how he chooses and how things will be. Honestly? I would tell him to go ahead and spend the weekend with his daughter, and every other day too because you're out of that relationship, period. Staying in it means you're #3; she's #1, he's #2 and you're #3, maybe #4 if the ex has any pull (and I suspect she does). This isn't good, healthy or heading in any direction but down. She may only be around part of the time, but she'll be his daughter for the rest of his life, and if you think it'll end at 18, think again; a kid like this will be a drain and a demander for the rest of her life. She may live with mom now, but anytime there are kids involved, there's always the possibility that they'll end up living with you. This kid has already directed how he treats you. As time goes by you'll resent her more and more and become more and more disgusted and disillusioned with him as you watch him run circles to keep her happy. This is not a situation you want to be involved with. This isn't a situation anybody would want to be involved with.

For more thoughts on the subject, I suggest posting on the Stepparents and Stepmothers boards on the iVillage Pregnancy and Parenting channel for their thoughts on the situation.

Sorry to be such a downer, but your boyfriend is showing you very clearly what life will be like with him. I don't know anyone who'd accept that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:36am
Thank you.... & just for the record he is very affectionate towards her & tells her that he loves her all the time... she knows that & will say that she knows that her dad loves her the problem is she also will tell me like if we are trying to figure out something to do... that she will ask him cus she knows he will do whatever she wants! I dont know... I will defintely check out those other boards.... I love him so much.... but I dont know what to do..... there is so much that goes on... this is so hard..... I do enjoy time with her but your right about buildin up resentments.... due to his parenting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 12:09pm

farrah2006,

Bottom line, straight out, one question.....

Can you live with this drama (and remember it's going to get worse as she get's older) for the rest of your life??

Yes or No.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:55pm

It's good to know that he tells her that he loves her often. I didn't think he didn't, especially since he caters to her every whimper.


Honestly? I don't know how you could stand to live in a situation like that, I know I couldn't. Being second to a tantruming child all my life? I don't think so. I deserve better than that, more respect, more consideration, more everything. And while I'm sure he has many great qualities about him, this quality is a very negative one. Unfortunately, you don't get to pick what qualities you live with, if you choose him, you choose them all, and that one is really going to play havoc with your self esteem, your self respect and the way you see him. The number one reason cited as the cause of divorce in second marriages is issues with children; and most parent/kid dynamics aren't nearly as bad as you describe. Marriage is about partnership, not being put aside to cater to the demands of an eight-year old.


I think the fact that he already laid out a clear line for you says it all. He told you that he'd never say no to her regarding coming to see him, etc. He's pretty clearly telling you that he's not going to say no to her in most areas, whatever she wants she's going to get (not necessarily monetarily, but perhaps that too). He's telling you it's not going to change and it's not up for discussion. You accept the relationship as it is, with a child calling the shots as to how he treats you or you move on. I understand you love him, but that's going to be eroded as you watch him let a child call the shots. Personally, I think you deserve more than that, much more. Honestly, everyone does.


I have to tell you too, it's not like you have to decide this minute and walk away today or not at all. I've dated guys for a year that I knew from the very beginning weren't right for me and the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. But, it was enough good (fun) for me to continue until it ran out, and of course, eventually it did. If you're looking for marriage, a relationship like I had won't work, you'll be staying in a spot that won't get you where you want to be. That still doesn't mean you have to walk away today though, you can stay in it, let realizations about what it would be like to be treated like this for the rest of your life settle in and get used to the idea that a lifetime with him is not going to work. Just something to think about.


It's lousy when things don't turn out to be what you'd like them to be. I'd say on the scale this guy may be exactly right for you on many levels, but on this one level he is very far off. That would make him close to what you're looking for but not hitting the mark.


You might consider reading "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis It's a great book that will really help you define a lot.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:56pm
You are so on target.... I guess that I have known for sometime that it wasnt going to work.... & its not just about how he handles his child.... I mean if she does something wrong then he takes it out on me.... calls me names & so forth... I guess I have been waiting & hoping that he would come around & realize that our relationship was important enough to stand up for "us" once in awhile... Tells his daughter dhe can come back but he was still going to continue with our plans & that she would have to go to a sitter & if he couldnt do that... he could tell me in a way where I could still feel important & that my feelings mattered as well..... I dont know... this is so hard....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:03am

Gosh, the more you write about this guy on this and other boards, the more I wonder what you are doing with him!!!

Name-calling??? He takes it out on you because he's too weak to be a good parent??? No way, no how. That's just not acceptable.

That poor child. You are probably a bright spot in her life, but seriously, you need to get out for your own self-esteem, etc.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:36am

Farrah, can you please elaborate about the name calling? His daughter does something wrong and he calls you names? What does he call you? What kind of wrong thing does she do that you get verbally attacked for? How long has this been going on?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 8:39am
Sounds like he displaces his anger, doesn't it? He can't deal with the actual subject of his anger, so he transfers it to a handy bystander. So far, you have been the one he takes out his anger on, but we don't know how he would behave if you were not there. If you decide to leave, please be careful not to blame your departure on his daughter--she needs discipline, not to be the recipient of his displaced wrath.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 11:46pm
Ok.... the weekend is over & again he got mad at her & took it out on me.... now let me say I didnt have any problems with her myself.... BUT of course the weekend didnt go without major drama..... I go & volunteer at our local humane society every week.... & she wanted to see what it was like there so we went.... she found a dog that she liked... & begged & begged to go & just visit the dog again.... her dad told her b4 going that he wasnt leaving with a dog... so we went... she wanted it..... started crying... he kept saying no.... we left... & were in the car & I was driving & they both sat in the back & she was going on & on.... & he told me to move the mirror because he didnt want to see my f**ng face!! & then said that I needed to go straight home so they could just drop me off..... this whole time I had said nothing.... & when we got home... I pulled him aside & asked what that was all about & he said dont talk to me psysho.... These are typical scenarios of what I deal with....