Please help with boyfriend issues..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Please help with boyfriend issues..
23
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:46pm
Hi... ok heres my issue.... My boyfriend has a daughter who lives 3 hours away & he goes to see her every other weekend... well this weekend is my birthday (Saturday) & so I asked him to be here for it & he agreed.... he was going to go see her tomorrow evening & then return by like 1pm on my birthday... Well the problem is now she wants to come back here with him & stay until monday because of Memorial Day ( she is 8 & is an only child & very hard to deal with). I do love her but would like to spend the day with my boyfriend hassle free.... & he says no way he will not say no that she cant come back nor would he ever tell her that. I told him that doesnt work & that if this is how its going to continuously be then we will not work & he repsonded that he doesnt want to lose me but unfortunately he isnt budging... am I being ridiculous here....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 2:57am

Sweetie, your boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive, no question about it. This is not something that's going to get better or easier, it is something that will get more prevalent, worse and harder to deal with, unless you consider that you may get so used to being treated in that ugly, terrifying, painful way "easier". Abuse of any kind doesn't get better, it gets worse and happens more often. I'm betting that when you look back to the beginning of your relationship you can see his acting this way started slowly and built to be more and more frequent, am I right? You also need to know that abusers don't change. Actually, the statistics show that 1% of abusers do change -- and those include the abusers who work in intense abuse therapy. You may think that verbal and/or emotional abuse isn't "that bad" or isn't "really abuse" since you're not being hit and don't have bruises (though I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he hits, pushes, shoves, or grabs you hard sometimes, does he?) but I'll tell you that research shows that verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging that physical abuse. Yeah, it can be harder to recognize, I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage and would never have considered it "abuse", (he was just yelling and saying ugly things, how could that be abuse?). It's hard to realize that you're in an abusive situation, it's not something anyone wants to be in.


Your problem isn't his daughter, and it's not that he won't spend time with you, it's that he is abusive. Abusive relationships don't change, don't get better. They go through cycles, where things are better for a while (which makes you think things are going to continue to be better, that he's not going to be angry any more, that he's becoming the great guy you know he can be again -- because he was a great guy in the beginning), but they always come back around to the anger, the yelling, the name calling, the scary utterly murderous looks and scary actions, like pounding or slamming a door, throwing something, breaking something, putting a fist through a wall, driving very fast in a car, getting right in your face with his over-the-top angry face. It comes back around, and I'm betting you can feel when it's coming, your gut goes back into a knot, you're afraid of saying something to make him mad (and aren't sure what will keep him happy), you walk on eggshells and you're anxious whenever he's around, or when he's due to be around. Am I close?


Here are a some links that would be good for you to check out, even though I know you really don't want to:


What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?

I would also strongly urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. They�ll also be happy to tell you if the think your situation is abusive, and they�ll be happy to tell you if they don�t see abuse. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , the articles I linked to you are just some of what's available in the homepage, there's much more that you should read there.

I know I've thrown a ton at you; I know it's a lot to take in. Please let me know what you think.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:05am

I really hope you will pay attention to the CL's post and end this relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:53am
I definitely will check out these links that you sent to me..... & yes right now I am trying to process all of this.... Thanks again for your help.

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