Please help me...
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| Sun, 01-21-2007 - 3:51pm |
Hi, I have been in a relationship for the past 8 yrs. Recently I left b/c things were just so terrible and I didn't want to go through the emotional and controling abuse that he was putting me through. It took me leaving for him to realize that I was what he wanted. We got back together and started couples counseling. He proposed to me on Dec 23rd...I was so happy, it really seemed like things were going well. Then we had a big argument about how to disipline my 14 yr old son. He is not the biological father. Long story short, he has now called off the engagement and has left me the following instructions: HERE HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK!
1. You are going to stop your excessive texting, blank voice mails and messages NOW!
2. You are going to meet me at a notary as soon as you can to sign the letter regarding the ring. The one in ****our town is open till 1pm on Sat., and we will NOT speak until that letter is signed!
3. After that letter is signed, we are going to speak for FIVE minutes, or I should say I am going to speak for about 3-5 minutes and you are going to listen!
4. You WILL be giving me an answer right then and there whether you agree to what I have said. If you do not agree, we will call off the engagement and go our separate ways FOREVER!
5. And finally, I will not go see the couselor until this letter is signed and our meeting takes place!
6. THAT IS THE RULES THAT IS THE WAY IT IS GOING TO GO, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS!!!
7. I need one text from you saying you got this, and then you can text me at some point to let me know when you are available to meet me at the notary. NO OTHER TEXTS FOR NO OTHER REASON THAT’S IT!!!!
NOW WE’RE DOING IT MY WAY!
I refused to sign any letter regardless of what it said, so he asked for the ring back and I gave it to him. It was beautiful, but lost its true meaning after this. He was just worried because it cost 14,000
Any advise because I havent slept in days and have done nothing but cry....
Thanks for listening

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Keep the letter as a reminder that he is a controlling, abusive man. If you are tempted to speak to him, read it again.
I know this hurts now, but this is not the type of man you need in your son's life. Could you imagine 10 years from now when after a number of years of role modelling, your son thinks this is how to treat a woman? Assuming you've been living together, this relationship would have caused much damage to your son already. End it now before any more damage is done to your son.
As a last point, he has no place in figuring out discipline for your son. YOU are the only person who can discipline your son. If he does not like your style, he has two choices - tolerate it or leave.
You might read through your old post too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:
Help....I'm at a loss
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
~ cl-2nd_lifecl-2nd_
IMO, you are in deep trouble here. You're tied in tight to a man who is abusive, you're tangled up in an engagement that you want to happen, you're going to couples counseling, which is absolutely the worst thing you can do with an abusive person. Counseling confuses you, makes your situation worse, makes you feel blamed, gives your abuser a ton of ammo that he can use against you, and much more. No competent abuse counselor would ever recommend or agree to couples counseling. It is the worst thing in the world to do.
The fact that you refused to sign and the engagement is off is a good thing. I'm sorry that I can't be more sympathetic about it, but there's no other way around it. Unfortunately, it won't last. He'll be back, he'll pressure you more, he'll turn on the charm, whatever it takes, but he'll be back, and I expect you'll take him back. He's been abusive and controlling for eight years - nine now. In March he made all kinds of promises then said he no longer wanted to be with you, remember? He came back. Abusers rarely just walk away from their victims, and I doubt he will either. The disturbing part is you'll welcome him and his abuse back into your life.
Blueyed, I'm going to post some information for you that I'd like you to look at. I'll start with these as a warning:
Abuser's responses to breakupSweet Baby Syndrome (how he gets to come back)
And give you these as well:
I would also strongly urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Extensive Domestic Violence Checklist
~*~Traits of Abusive Personalities~*~
I know it's a lot. I'm hoping you'll take some time to go through all these and let me know what you think.
I truly am sorry you're in this situation and feeling like this right now.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
~ cl-2nd_lifecl-2nd_
Hi there, yes thank you for your reply. I have been checking out some links including yours to emotional abuse, I guess I just don't want to believe that it is happening to me. He went to our counseling appt tonite but he asked me not to come...he said he needed to talk to her alone. Then after the appt he returned all my things with this note from a magazine...about getting over a girl - he circled some things like >>other girls don't care about your ex, they will bone you - screw them to get over your ex bitch...>>> stuff like that, like I need that - too bad it works both ways right?
Anyway, thanks for listening and for your advise. I am going alone to my counselor on Wednesday hope I can keep my sanity till then.
((Hugs))
Blueyedgirltoo
I recommend picking up the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft as soon as possible too. Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book.
Blueyed, this man is so much more than bad news. I truly hope you cut all means of communication with him (block him from your phone, email, etc.) and as hard as it is do not let him back in. The years you've spent with him are nothing compared to the sad hell the rest of your life will be if you let him back in. For your sake and the sake of your son (who does not need the example of an abuser as how a man should be) cut him out and don't let him back in.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
~ cl-2nd_lifecl-2nd_
::- he circled some things like >>other girls don't care about your ex, they will bone you - screw them to get over your ex bitch...>>>
Another blatent attempt at manipulation and control. Don't fall for it.
Carrie
Hi, its me again....things have just gotten worse and I am really sad and depressed. We are scheduled to go to our joint counseling appt on Monday morning, but he just keeps telling me the "rules" in order to get the ring back and make our engagement work. I just dont think I could live or be happy by following rules...here's the latest:
1) you will not treat me like sh*t
2) you will sign the paper regarding the ring
3) I will have complete control over (my son's) actions.
He said these are simple rules and not much to ask of someone so what is my problem....not to mention that I just found out last nite that he posted a reply to the craigs list - a personal ad - and he is denying it bc he thinks he can get away with whatever the heck he wants....
You can’t compromise, negotiate or reason with a manipulative bully, period. Until you take yourself out of this situation, things will NOT get better.
If you died tomorrow would you want your son’s future in this man’s hands? The counseling appt will not help as he will manipulate the counselor unless the counselor has had a lot of experience with abusive people.
blueyedgirltoo, what changed? After your last time here, I thought you didn't want the ring back after his unrealistic demands? Is this his way of distracting you (I've been where you are) - they use something they think you want (the ring in your case) and hold it over your head until you dance to their tune. Do you think he's really going to ease off after you do as he wants? No, he's going to get worse because he will have something signed by you that gives him permission to be as bad as he wants and will wave the paper in your face letting you know you have no right to say anything, no right to ask for a change in rules.
Please call 1-800-977-SAFE and get real help right now.
Carrie
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