please help me figure this out..
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:25pm |
so here's the story, i'll try to be as brief as possible.
9 months ago i met someone online. we weren't looking to date or anything, we just by chance started talking and we had a wonderful connection. we started talking on the phone, etc...and we became very very close. here's where it gets complicated.
i live in california and he lives on the east coast. he came out to visit me for the first time last week. we had such a great time together and we love eachother very much. i know a lot of people don't understand our relationship but we have a very deep connection and we both think we have something really special. so like i said, everything went great when he came out here. i'm currently a student and i have told him that i want to continue to go to school here throughout my graduate studies. he has been looking into going to school here too.
yesterday he told me that he is not sure that he wants to move here. he is worried about leaving his family and being so far from them. he made me feel like he was sure about it in the past but he says that coming out here made him have stronger feelings for me but at the same time made the whole idea of moving a lot scarier. i was of course very upset. he's saying that he's not ruling it out, it's just that he can't make such a major decision in such a short period of time.
after i cooled off i started thinking that this is reasonable being that he has only spent 5 days in california and this is a major decision. so my question, is what does everyone think about this? do you think that this is reasonable, and that i should continue for a while so that he can figure things out? i don't want to be a hypocrite and say that he should be 100% sure about moving here, because i don't think i would ever move out there with him, even though i'm crazy about him. i don't doubt that he loves me, i think he might just be having cold feet and he will get over it. he had cold feet about coming out here to see me too but he got over that. also, we are both young, i'm 20 and he's 24. should i give him time? and if so, how much?
sorry, i know that was long. i would really appriciate any advice, i'm really stressing over this. thank you.
edit: i just want to add that he did not bring up this topic to start problems, he was just sharing his thoughts. he didn't think i would take it so hard and he didn't think that we were going to end our relationship over this. he wants to continue things as they are and have some time to figure out what he really wants. he says that he knows he wants me, and that the problem here is not me or our relationship, it is if he can handle moving to somewhere so foreign and away from his family.

Moving all the way across the country for a relationship still in it's infancy is a giant step.
Another board you might consider checking out is:
Online Dating
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
it's not that i'm not understanding. like i said before, i realize it is a big decision and i can't expect him to make it so quickly. but i can't help that i am worried about where our relationship is leading. it's upsetting that things are on the rocks...just like anyone would be in any relationship. it's nerve racking and hard to deal with. but yeah, i am trying to be as understanding as i possibly can because i know i am asking a lot.
about not knowing eachother, i understand what you are saying. i feel like we're already past the "best behavior" part, we're very honest and real with eachother. i know that's hard to understand from the outside but we have a rare sort of honesty and understanding. and it's not like we just talk online either...in fact we never talk online anymore, we just talk on the phone (i know it's still not in person but it's different than talking online). i do agree with what you're saying, it will definitely take a much longer time to get to know eachother better.
so you are suggesting that we spend more time together in person before we talk about what we are going to do in the future? i've thought about that too, but it's hard to continue on with a relationship when you don't know if it is doomed to failure because of circumstance. do you know what i mean? that problem is always in the back of my mind and it is hard to get past it. i think i will try to let things go longer and let our relationship develop more...even though it will be hard. it's just a difficult situation in general and it's hard for me to know what i should do.
thanks a lot for your response, it was helpful to hear someone else's perspective. :-)
>>If things are as serious as you say, you should visit him and meet his family.<<
Yes, and meet his friends too. Find out what type of company he likes to keep. Are they the same kind of people that you would hang out with too?
Before either of you seriously considers him moving to where you live, you must put in some miles and show your commitment to this relationship.