Please help save my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2009
Please help save my marriage
11
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 9:10am

I met my husband 4 years ago,dated for 3 and half years and married for 6 months only.During our dating period we got to know each other well enough ( or so we thought),had a lots of common interests,enjoyed being together and apart as well,had an excellent sex life and we definately had disagreements but learned to sought them out w/o being nasty or disrespectful to each other.I am 32 now and my husband is 37 if that is of any importance.We were very much in love when we decided to get married.

Our families were also very happy with our getting married.You must be getting to a point that if all is so fairly tale then why am i here?That exactly is my problem.I have no clue what has suddenly changed after 5 months except that we have a certificate of marriage ( we were living together for 8 months before getting married,that too in the same house,had no plans of moving as we both have survived to keep our jobs here).
He is not having an affair,i am 100% sure of that.Please dont point to that as the reasons why i am sure is too long to explain.I have ruled that out.

All of a sudden i am no good.Whatever i do is of no importance ,it gets overlooked.We planned on having a baby after we had settled down having been married so that is still out of question to be a cause.he has started getting angry on little stuff.I also work full time but we both share house keeping and now he doesnt do anything in the house.when we are home from work,all he does is play some game,take a walk in the park or watch tv.Our sex life has come to a halt as if we dont have a body anymore! I initiate,he rejects.I am still the same.Nothing has changed in the physical sense ,hygiene or even bed,lol.I say this to say that i have tried to anaylze every possibility.He is happy with his job,all is well with extended family.So what is wrong? we have a very tense environment at home now.I tried to ask him why so much change in his behaviour,as it hurts me to see our life going to ruins,he wont reply.He looks at me with an angry face and continues doing what he was doing.I dont recall doing anything which pissed him off like this.Earlier when we had such a scenario that is if he pissed me off or the other way around,we would talk it out and move forward.

Our home now seems like a cold war zone where something i might do or not do,will explode the entire house.I am very worried.My husband is a very sweet and caring man to the core and doesnt even have anger issues.When we have friends or family at home,he is the old him again.

The other day i cooked a special meal after finding recipies on the net,it turned out delicious but my husband just ate and never made any comment instead frowned when he was finished eating.i asked if he didnt like it or what.No answer.He leaves 15 mins earlier than i do.He always kissed me bye,but nothing for 1 month.When i return home,no hello,nothing.I am at my wits end.I love my husband to death and seeing that he is turning his back to me,is killing.We had such a beautiful 3 and half year time ,i want that back.

He always wanted to get married.he proposed and even got books to how handle the transition from being dating to living together to getting married.he loved being married.He was so sweet all the time.I want him back.he has even hinted on seperation.I didnt indulge in that as i would have lost myself if it was brought out on the table.What is he thinking?What has changed suddenly that he can even think about seperation.who knows if he is planning on divorce?I am going nuts as i cant put my fingure on anything that could have caused him to hate me like this.He puts me down and demeans me every opportunity.Its a month already that we had sex.he just turns his back and dozes off.he is not even depressed.

Anyone have any clue whats going on?i dont want to be divorced.i love my husband.we were off to such a good start and now its like i am nothing he wants when i was everything he wanted.Divorce will devastate me and my family who dont believe in divorce and my husband knows this.

What can i do get him back.I feel he is going to go and i will be left wondering and thinking as to what went wrong.

Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 10:45am
I have no idea what could be the issue. It sounds like his entire mental state has changed for the worse. If he refuses to discuss it with you then there is no way for you to discern the real issue at hand. You can't change him or work this out if it's only you who are willing to try. I'm sure some people will suggest that he may be under a lot of stress from work etc...That isn't a valid excuse for this behavior and it doesn't explain this kind of turn around. It almost sounds as if he's holding some sort of grudge. I would give him an ultimatum and be prepared to keep to your word. I would tell him that if he refuses to talk to you and refuses to change his attitude that you will be filing for divorce. Then do it and move out. You may not believe in divorce but I assure you, it exists for a reason. He is no longer a partner. He's checked out. That's not a husband, it's an angry child with a chip on his shoulder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2009
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 11:34am

Thankyou so much for your reply.

I have tried numerous times to ask what the problem is but to no avail.In retrospect,it seems like more of he doesnt want me than holding something against me,dunno.I can clearly see everything falling apart,just a matter of time now.Its christmas and we are doing different things altogether.No gifts ,no wishes from his side.His behaviour seems like i am not the one who he wants to spend time with.I gave him a present he always wished for ,he opened and just kept it away.

When friends or family come home,he is the very happy and is a part of them and in front of them ,he is the same with me as well.I am venting at best on christmas!

How can anyone change overnight like this?You are right,he seems to have checked out but why??? i am more than willing to do my part.he is not stressed at work as he loves his work.

I have confided in best friend as i cant talk about this with family.She also says that this is a very odd behaviour as my husband and i had a very good history and many friends were even jealous jokingly.
I have cried,begged and even told him how sad i am about the state of our marriage.he sits like a stone!!! how can he do this??

Thanks for letting me vent.I guess GOD has to come himself and sought this out for me.I need to pray more.

Have a Merry Christmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 12:19pm

My heart goes out to you that you are dealing with this at Christmas as a newlywed who loves her husband.

Have you considered or asked him about going to marriage therapy? If he refuses to talk and refuses therapy, then I think all you can do is what you are doing. Remain willing to options that could resolve the issue, open to hearing his side and working on your side - but ultimately recognize that no matter what your feelings about divorce you cannot make him stay.

I imagine part of what makes this so hard is not knowing if he's going to try to stay or if he's going to up and leave. I think it would be fair to let him know that living in the dark, in limbo feels like torture. That it would be better if he could be straight with you, whatever the outcome.

As far as why this is happening - there could be many reasons. You won't ever know what they are unless he tells you. He may not even know, it might be something he was suppressing, something to do with your relationship or nothing at all to do with your relationship. Can I ask what his parents relationship is like? How they relate to each other? What his family is like? Beyond figuring out something from that, it might have to remain a mystery unless he starts talking. Regardless of what the reasons are, ultimately you can only be yourself and hope he comes around, and that he comes around soon.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2009
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 1:50pm

I am so grateful to you for your reply.

This is the worst Christmas i have ever had and what makes it even worse is seeing my world end and i not being able to do anything about it.
I have spent the entire morning surfing the net to find out what to do but everyone in the world seems to be celebrating except me.I am so thankful to the 2 replies i have got today.
My husbands parents have a dysfunctional marriage but they stayed together for the kids.My husband goes along well with both his mom and dad.He has another brother,about a year older than my husband,married.My in-laws and i have good relations,no problem on that front.They have their own issues but they dont bring them into our life,very decent on that stuff.Can they be causing any influence?Why would they?We get along very well.
I cant believe that my husband has become so mean towards me.We talked about babies,their names ,etc etc.When i iron his clothes,he finds a shirt which is non-ironed ,irons it and then wears that shirt.I made a weekend getaway last week,he changed his plan at the last moment and we stayed home,doing nothing which doesnt make sense at all while he said we would go somewhere else instead.On saturday morning when i asked where are we going ,he plainly said,'nowhere'.
I am going insane and i feel my posts are not making any sense to anyone.
The only thing i guess happening here is that he is done.But why?how? You are right,i cant make him stay if he doesnt want to.what do i tell my family?

You gave me a good idea about therapy but only if he would go! He is giving me a deaf ear,how would he go therapy.

Thankyou tons for listening me out on this fateful day.

Have a Blessed Christmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 2:27pm

I understand. I've spent a Christmas alone, though I was really by myself with my daughter at her dad's house and me at home with no family anywhere nearby. It was a new experience that is for sure. You are really alone too, even though he might be physically present, so I imagine that is even harder. I'm online now because we did all our Christmas celebrations yesterday. Today my dd and my stepkids are with their other parents, my dh and I are cleaning and doing laundry :)

Ok, back to your issues. Even if he won't go to therapy you can. It might help a lot. I'd find someone who does marriage counseling or therapy, because that is the issue you are facing even if you attend sessions alone.

His parents might not be influencing anything directly, but if he grew up watching a dysfunctional marriage day in and day out, that's how he knows marriage to be. Even if he is capable of being another way as he was when you were dating, that may be his "default." He may not even realize why he feels the way he does or why he's acting this way, but it absolutely could be because of how he has grown up "seeing" a marriage work. If you want a book to read, try "Getting the Love You Want" by Hendrix, or check out this page on their website, some of this might sound familiar: http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/an-introduction-to-imago

I've read the first part of his book about how we pick our spouses and I really had to think about how my childhood experiences with my parents fit in with who I chose for a spouse each time I married. My first husband does have some correlations with my father but they aren't obvious - they are things I really had to spend time contemplating to see. But what happened was that the issues with my father did play out in that relationship. There are also many correlations between my current husband and my mother, and many of the same fears of feeling judged and of disappointing others that I've always had with my mother, play out in my interactions with my husband.

It's interesting stuff, and many times I can figure out that when I react in an unhealthy way with someone else, it really is about something that I experienced long ago and have not yet worked through or resolved. By playing out the same conflict today with someone else, it is possible to "work through it" and move on. I imagine this is what your husband needs to do: 1) be aware of what is going on 2) be more conscious of how is interactions are affecting him, you and the relationship. However, he may not be willing to do that and if he's not willing then there is little you can do but make some sense of it for yourself.

Maybe by making some sense of it and coming to terms with what is happening, you will react differently to his bizarre behavior and that might cause him to stand up and notice. For example, take that nonsense you mentioned about the shirts. You actually iron his shirts, and he takes one unironed one and irons it for himself? What is that about? He obviously knows on some level that is going to hurt you, it's like a slap in the face. So you could be hurt, but what if instead you just stopped ironing his shirts? That would be a reasonable thing to do too, since he's just going to iron the unironed one anyway. Maybe if he saw you not ironing any shirts, then he wouldn't think that ironing one himself will hurt you, and instead he'll do something different. Maybe he'll find another way to hurt you, or maybe he'll say "wait one second, why aren't you ironing my shirts?" and from there you can have a discussion, maybe. It's something to think about - what is he getting out of his choices, good or bad, and how can you react differently so you don't repeat his parents pattern of "we stayed together because we had to."

Ah, and there's another thing - maybe one of the reason he picked you was that your family does not believe in divorce. His parents only stayed together because they had to. So for him, marriage is not about happiness and joy, it's about "have-to" and misery.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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Edited 12/25/2009 2:33 pm ET by harmony08
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2009
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 2:59pm

You are a GOD sent today !!

We had our blow up a while ago and i cant imagine we fought for just 5 minutes but said all the things in the world.I requested him to lets just keep any and everything aside for a while ( because trying to make him talk hasnt worked earlier )and celebrate our first married christmas by exchanging some pleasentries.I wanted to change the atmosphere of the house,thats all.He blew up! he shouted ! for the first time in all our years together and said what i feared--" I want out" I am crying crazy now as i type.i lost my control and shouted as well.
i have no clue where will this end now.he raised his hand but stopped as his cell rang.it was from his friend and i sneaked into study.

what do i do?i am going to call my friend and maybe she can visit me.thankyou once again.atleast i can tell someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 3:17pm

Yes - call a friend. Get out your support system and use it. I'd also consider talking to at least one member of your family because support is what you need right now from them too. I'm sorry to hear it's going downhill but I can only tell you that sometimes there are good things to be found at the bottom of a hill. Sometimes you even find the bottom is actually the top of a new, even better hill.

It could be that the many you are seeing is the real man you married. That the other guy was his front, public facing persona, and that is the one he gets out around friend and family too. If he were to change his tune and want to stay and work this out with you, you might find the real him has good qualities too, but he's showing you an ugly side of his real self right now and you can't change that all on your own, unfortunately.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 10:56pm
Welcome to the board, Mdsc08 ~

Yes, I have heard of people changing completely overnight before. In fact, it happened to me. After dating my now ex-husband for four years, immediately after marriage, he changed completely. I was stunned, completely confused and at a loss to understand what had happened or why. The life I thought I'd have with him wasn't even close to what was happening. I hope what was happening to me isn't what is happening to you, but it's entirely possible that it is. You see, my ex-husband was abusive but didn't show a bit of it all the years we dated. In the beginning after we married, he was mostly just quiet and not at all like himself. As time went by, he began to blow up, throw in put downs, etc.

It's possible that he's having trouble at work or other issues that are causing him to be different, but the fact that his change includes put downs and he acts like his old self in front of family and friends is concerning.

If you aren't aware, it's very common for abusers to be wonderful men during the dating stage, after all, who would stay with them if they showed their true selves from the beginning? It's after they feel the relationship is solid that they begin to show their real selves. For some, that's many months into the relationship, for others it's upon engagement or marriage - whatever they personally see as a solid, committed state. I don't think it's very common to happen years after dating began, but it happened to me and I know how incredibly confused and embarrassed I was. Embarrassed because I didn't feel I could even tell my family and friends what was happening. What newlywed had a life of being ignored, put down and blown up at? I too just wanted the guy I'd married back, and that kept me stuck in the relationship for a lot more time than it should have. Having a long history of a good relationship to look back made me believe that the guy I'd known was the real guy and this man I lived with now was the oddity. Unfortunately, the opposite was true, but having that previous guy to compare to kept me staying and trying to find a way to get him back.

Your husband's issue may be something different, but if he won't open up about it and consider getting help, you're pretty stuck at understanding. I know you've tried talking to him, have you flat out told him you're very concerned about the future of your marriage with the change that has happened?









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2009
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 10:40am

Thanks to all who replied and gave insight.

Its been very tough the last couple days.I am still in shock but the lesson learned here is: one can never be 100% sure.Any and everything is possible.
My husband has been having an affair for about a year now,4 months before we got married.
I am devastated to say the least but still survived as i am back here to post about it.

Lots of questions,plenty of answers but the fact remains that our marriage is destroyed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 7:54pm
Ah, Mdsc08, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, what an awful discovery to make.

Feeling devastated is a completely normal and understandable response to this, you have been betrayed in a most awful way. I haven't been through what you're going through but have gone through a situation where I felt that my marriage was based completely on a lie and therefore I couldn't believe one thing about it or one thing that I knew or believed in my husband. It's true, nothing is 100% and you can't completely count on anything, but I'm here to tell you that while that truth will never go away it won't always be so painfully in your face as it is now. You will heal and learn to trust again. That trust will be tempered with the realities you now have, but it will be okay. Not sure I'm making sense....

Huge hugs, Mdsc08. Do you have an idea direction you're going from here?

I'm so sorry.










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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