Please, I could use some help
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| Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:17am |
One of my best-friends is a guy. We have been friends for years, we are really close..like brothers and sisters. He even introduced me to my boyfriend and they are even friends. My boyfriend has always understood that we share such a wonderful friendship and has never been jealous or worried, but recently my boyfriend told me that he is jealous of my friend. I told him that nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will, and that we are just friends... How can I show my boyfriend that he has nothing to worry about without staying away from my friend? I love my boyfriend more than anything and dont want to loose him, but I dont want to loose my friend either... Please help, I could really use some advice I dont want to have to pick between the two.
Thank you,
pretty_n_pink2005

Welcome to the board, Pretty_n_pink2005 ~
You're right not to want to choose one over the other, and you shouldn't ever have to. In fact, anyone who would ask you to make a choice or stop seeing your friend is the one who should be cut. No one has the right to choose your friends or say who you can see but you, anybody who makes that demand (or even suggests it) is way out of line and trying to control you. If I read between the lines right, it sounds like your boyfriend has likely had these feelings all along but has kept them to himself. If that's so, it indicates he's not trying to control you or make choices for you and trying to keep the problem where it belongs -- with him. If that's true, it says good things about your boyfriend.
I think the best way to proceed is to continue just as you are. By that I mean don't change the time you typically spend with your friend and try your best not to let the knowledge you now have about how your boyfriend feels make talking about or seeing your friend uncomfortable. Be yourself, be natural. By doing that you'll continue to convey to your boyfriend that there is nothing to worry about. Think about it, guy/girl relationships that seem suspicious are ones where there's secrecy, where talk about the "friend" is avoided -- why would you want to bring up someone whom you're having an affair with, right? You'd want to keep the subject as far away as possible! So do your best to keep things open. I don't know how you've approached this before, so you may be doing everything right already; but along the lines of openness, it's important to keep your relationship with your friend completely open, that leaves no room for suspicion or doubt from your boyfriend. It's also respectful of him to do that. What I mean is that if you're going to see your friend, your boyfriend should be made aware of it in advance when possible, and he should know he's welcome to join you too. When you have contact with your friend that wasn't planned ahead, let your boyfriend know you saw/talked to him. I don't want to give you the impression that you have to "report" everything to your boyfriend, but a casual, "I saw Ryan today, he says hi" doesn't really feel like "reporting", right? When I said that your boyfriend should feel welcome to join you, I don't mean that he should come with you every time (it's not much of a friendship if you can't ever spend any one on one time), but if he's invited to join you often and he knows he's welcome to join in anytime, it will go far in letting him know nothing's being hidden. The more aware your boyfriend is, the less concern there can be that you're hiding anything. Make sense? Can you double date with your friend and his girlfriend? I think that using the open/honest methods I've suggested are important for any male/female relationship. I have many male friends too and have always used them in dealing with them and my husband.
The bottom line is that this isn't your problem, it's your boyfriends. You can only do what you can do to make things as open, honest and aboveboard as it can be, beyond that it's up to your boyfriend to deal with and accept or not. Regardless of how he handles his struggle or how he ultimately feels about it, it would not be right for you to give up your friendship. Ultimately, if your boyfriend can't handle your friendship then he can't handle who you are, what you believe, who you choose for your friends and how you feel about platonic friendships. And that would mean the two of you aren't compatible in some very important areas, IMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yup, what CL said.
Just be yourself, the same self you have been. You can't "show" your bf there is nothing there if he chooses to believe there is. All you can do is be you. And don't start giving up friends to make your bf feel better. Because then you run a BIG risk of being all alone except for him and him controlling you. (Not that I think it's happening, it's just a possibility...)
Jen
Ask him what would make you more comfortable with the relationship you have with your friend....
Most couple's want to be each other's best friend.....
Carrie