Porn & Kids

Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Porn & Kids
6
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:16pm

Need some feedback b/c after last night, I think I gave a friend some bad advice which has now left me in an awkward middle.

My neighbor Diana's husband is REALLY into porn ... this is a man who starts his day with it, takes his video's and magazines to WORK and (her words) will ONLY have sex with her if he can watch porn first. I asked her how it made her feel, to which she responded "Like a hole in the wall" ... so I told her don't go along with it if that is the resulting feeling she has afterwards. Well she told him she wouldn't have sex with him under those circumstances and wanted someone who could be "real" with her. Next morning her husband is up watching porn before the kids got up for school and he left the videos in the kitchen on top of the cabinets.

Her kids found dad's porn. Diana called me upset and I didn't know what to say other than to tell him it's like anything else that children don't need to aware of and if a person can't be responsible then they need to forgo their habits or take their toys and play somewhere where children can't be exposed.

Well, she said that to him and he had no response, so she pulled his entire "collection" out (it was in a box) and she goes, "Well since your father isn't going to protect you, I'll warn you for your own benefit ... here's your father's stuff, if you come across it again, throw it away. If he can't be responsible, be responsible for yourselves."

So there I was, in the room as this transpired ... her kids (9 & 11/ girls) just laughed and said, "We've seen it before at his work, but ok." ... Her husband flipped his lid and is mad at me ...

Did she respond wrong? Did I give her bad advice? I mean what can you honestly do about someone who won't consider their children before their own guilty pleasures? Is it honestly "fair" that young girls be exposed like that,especially by their own parent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: bearkizz
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 1:21pm

IMO, she absolutely should NOT have put her children in the middle of it. If they do what she said, they make dad mad, if not, they make her mad. It was a no-win situation and for the mom to put them there is wrong, IMO.

Other than that, WHAT THE HECK IS THE DAD THINKING? Or rather, WHY ISN'T THE DAD THINKING? I think the mom just got a huge wake up call about her daughters and their opinion on porn since they just laughed and made the comment that they see it at work. What is that teaching a 9 and 11 year old?

I also think that the dad has some major porn addiction issues going on. Get real, he got up before the kids went to school to watch porn? He takes it to work with him? He can't have sex unless he's watched porn first? Even if I thought any porn was acceptable (which I personally don't) this would signal a HUGE problem area.

Did you give any bad advice? Not in my opinion. Nothing you said was wrong or out of line. You weren't seeking to give advice, she came to you. He's ticked because he's ticked and it's making his life a smidge more complicated.

I'll stop before I start saying what I really think of a man who acts like this....

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: bearkizz
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:42pm

I agree that she shouldn't have brought the kids into this. I think that she should have immediately taken scissors to the entire lot.

That aside, if I knew that my kids had seen my husband using porn at work, I'd leave him on the spot and take the kids with me. That constitutes as child abuse in my opinion. Their children will end up thinking that it's OK to use porn at any time.

I think your advice was spot on. But why did the wife tell your husband that you advised her in the first place? Going to you for advice is one thing, but telling him that she's spoken to you was wrong of her.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: bearkizz
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 10:16pm

I think I'm confused, was this your advice:
it's like anything else that children don't need to aware of and if a person can't be responsible then they need to forgo their habits or take their toys and play somewhere where children can't be exposed.

But this is what she actually said (in front of you?):
"Well since your father isn't going to protect you, I'll warn you for your own benefit ... here's your father's stuff, if you come across it again, throw it away. If he can't be responsible, be responsible for yourselves."

She didn't take your advice, she twisted it in anger, to make a point, why she did it in front of you is beyond me.

Personally, I agree with the others, her husband has an addiciton in the extreme and she's putting up with it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: bearkizz
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 2:00am

I don't know......perhaps I've lived a sheltered life.

But I'm really wanting to believe that Bearkizz's neighbour made up the bit about her husband letting his kids see the porn at work.

Will someone please tell me that nobody would seriously act like this in real life? This post is really bothering me.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bearkizz
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 4:06am

I agree that kids had no part in the situation, but Beth, if I understand you correctly, I don't think you suggested that she involve her kids. Pitting kids against one parent or the other, one parent giving "permission" for the kids to watchdog or parent the other parent puts them in a situation that's inappropriate and one they're unable to deal with, who could?


What I've learned about porn addicts and porn's effects on children, and the effect it has on them as they become adults is disturbing. The fact that these kids laughed about the porn is a statement that they view it as normal, appropriate and acceptable, and those are very dangerous views to hold. It affects the way they view men and women, their roles, what's typical and acceptable and what the base of a relationship is (sex). It conditions them and makes it normal, no big deal.


Aisha, I absolutely agree with you, packing up the kids and getting out, never to look back is what I'd do too. And yes, it is child abuse to subject children to porn. State child protection services would view a mother who allows porn to be in view, and viewable to her children as not protecting them and would very possibly elect to remove them from her custody since she's not doing what she needs to do to keep them safe. In this situation, it sounds like Beth's neighbor was not aware that the kids had previous knowledge of it and it sounds like her neighbor's reaction was out of anger and frustration, perhaps with some time to let the situation filter in she had different thoughts and actions. And unfortunately, Aisha, people do this with their kids and so much worse. It's heartbreaking and often it's no surprise that kids grow into the adults that they do, sometimes they don't have a chance, really.


Beth, if your neighbor's husband is mad at you, he's focusing his attention and blame on you in order to take the blame from where it needs to be -- squarely on him. It's bull. You didn't cause the problems between him and his wife, you didn't leave his tapes out where the kids could find them and you didn't cause his wife to be angry that they'd been discovered by the kids. That was all him. His being mad at you would be laughable if this weren't such a sad mess. I don't think you gave advice that caused problems or was bad, you didn't tell her to involve the kids, that was her doing, and done in anger and frustration, which you didn't cause either. You might suggest your neighbor check in with the Pregnancy and Parenting channel's Families Damaged by Pornography


There are also some informational posts and articles (borrowed, with permission from the Families Damaged by Pornography board) in the Information and Resources section of this board that your neighbor might find helpful:
Are You a Sex Addict?
Six Kinds of Sex Addicts
Options of the Partner of a Sex Addict
What Is a Sexual Addiction?
Is My Partner a Sex Addict?







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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: bearkizz
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 3:37pm

>>"Well since your father isn't going to protect you, I'll warn you for your own benefit ... here's your father's stuff, if you come across it again, throw it away. If he can't be responsible, be responsible for yourselves."<<

You know, the only appropriate thing for Diana to have said would have been "well, since your father isn't going to protect you, I will! If he can't be responsible, I will."

It's just so inappropriate to ingore her responsibilities as a mother and expect her children to parent themselves. Quite frankly, I have to question the parenting abilities of BOTH parents.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace