Pregnant and Alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Pregnant and Alone
12
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:56pm
Alright, I'm not sure that this is the right room to talk about this issue, But here goes anyways. I've been with a man for 8months but have known him for 18 years. He knows my family very well. So, he moved in with me and my parents for a short time till we got on our feet again to get our own place. Well, 3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with our baby. He was wanting me to get an abortion and I decided against that. So,anyways I was starting to think about adoptioin. and now I'm thinking about keeping it. Well, here goes he left me and said he didn't want anything to do with the baby he said he's to old to father and left me with no money no food and here I am trying to think how he could be such a jerk face. I really want to be with him but I think it's because of the money situation that left me in I don't think it's for the right reasons but I still miss him. So, I called today to tell him to get his stuff and I said I want you to come when my parents are here so you can face them also. He's like oh your going to play that game and I said it's no game it's reality. He told me to just go ahead and throw it out. He has a check here for 90 which isn't much but I really don't want to give it to him since he hasn't done anything for me. I know im just babbeling but I can't help it I'm going crazy! Any input or support will be appreciated :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:11pm

You may as well forget him. He's made his feelings quite clear and he isn't going to change his mind.

So, now you have to decide what is best for your child. And if what is best is not the same as what is best for YOU, then your child wins and that's what you do.

This won't be an easy choice, so you have to try and be absolutely rational about it. If you are penniless and living with your parents you need to think about what kind of life you are bringing your child into if you decide against abortion or adoption. And I don't mean just what you can ECONOMICALLY provide, although that should certainly be part of the decision.

Obviously, you didn't plan this pregnancy. So, you need to think about whether you may want to keep the baby because of guilt or because you REALLY want to be a parent. Then you need to determine whether you are ready to be parent, and if not, what you are willing to do to prepare yourself.

Raising a child is hard work and involves a great deal of real sacrifice. It's not YOUR life any more. Your child needs to become the priority. You will be providing not just physical care, but nurturing his or her whole being. You will be teaching him every day, from the very first moment you hold him. You will be planning for both his emotional sense of security, and his ACTUAL security, by making a plan to provide him with a safe place to live, and making sure that every minute he is able to feel your love and know that you will never let him down.

You will have to plan to live your life so that it is an example to her of what she should aspire to be as an adult. You will have to encourage and help her every day to learn, to be the best she can be, and motivate her to make something of herself. You'll need to plan for her future and make sure she is preapred for and gets a good education. This means, in small part, getting her the right kinds of age appropriate toys to develop her cognitive and motor skills. Reading to her daily. Making sure her whole environment stimulates curiousity and growth. Paying close attention to her talents and interests and making sure she has the tools and encouragement to develop them.

It's more than a full time job - and you'll probably have to work a paying job besides.

The list goes on and on. And you need to be very careful about the people you let into YOUR life, and how they will affect him. Casual relationships will have to be kept away from him because if he is allowed to attach to men who come into your life, he will feel the loss terribly if they wind up leaving.

Can you do all of that? Do you know how? Do you want to?

Once you've considered all of this, remember that there are tens of thousands of good, stable couples out there who have already decided what they want, made all the necessary plans and committments, but are unable to have children.

What you DON'T want is to deny your child a good family and the opportunities it can offer because of your own selfish reasons (I'm not suggesting you would do such a thing, I'm simply stating a fact).

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 12:14am
From your post here, it sounds like you know more certainly than when you posted on the Toxic board that he isn't coming back, is that right?

From what you've said here, he's pretty much confirmed what I suspected he was on the Toxic board, a selfish jerk.

I think expecting him to face your parents and the choice he made is only right, the fact that he'd rather tuck his tail and hide from them says it all - he knows he's being a total irresponsible jerk and he isn't even capable of facing up to his own decisions. Quite a man, that one.

If you're having financial difficulty, I would check in with your local county or state pregnancy help for low cost or free prenatal care. I would be sure they know he is the father and see if there isn't a way that he can be made responsible for bearing the cost of care. This is his responsibility and like it or not, he's responsible. He will certainly be responsible after the child is born, the child support division will see to that once you inform him of the paternity.

As incredibly hard as this situation is, consider yourself lucky to have seen the real him and know how much (sarcasm) you can count on him. Please don't worry about "babbling" - you didn't. Babble/vent all you want and need. We're here.

Other boards that might be a good source of help and support for you are:

Pregnant and Single
Unplanned Pregnancy









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 9:41am
Thank you for your input. You asked do i know more than likely that he doesn't want to come back? I'm not sure on that one. He keeps playing mind games with me and that's the last thing I need right now. I honestly think that I'm better off without him. Even though it's really hard to not think about him. I still can't believe what a jerk he is being and that he can walk away from us in this time of need. He left me penniless and I tried to get help from the county but they say our household makes to much money. When my paretns can barely make the mortgage. They don't have the means to support me. I've been thinking about going into a shelter of some sort but that scares the living daylights out of me. I'm so lost and so confused. I'm sitting here right now crying my eyes out thinking how can I possibly go on with it. It's to late for an abortion and adoption seems like the answer but I don't know that I can do that either. I'm just so frustrated and hurt I can't think straight. I lost my job after being there for 5 years and he lost his job. but he gets unemployment and works for cash. So, you can bet your last dollar I turned him in to unemployment. Why should he sit there making money and leave me here with literally nothing. No food no cash! And i'm here almost starving and I can't eat because of the nerves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:28am
I have to agree that you're better off without him. Even if he were to come back, he's done so much damage to your relationship, how could you get past it? You'd hold a lot of anger for what he's put you through (and rightly so) and you'd know exactly how much you could trust him when things got tough in the future - in other words, you could expect him to bail the first time things got rough again. He's shown his true colors and they're not what you want or need in a partner, or a friend for that matter.


I understand your fear and your concerns, it's got to be overwhelming and terrifying. Know that no matter what happens, you will make it through. That may sound menial, but it's true. I've been through times when I had no job, an ex who was working under the table to avoid paying child support. I had two kids to feed and at one time, not quite enough money for a gallon of milk, and no more money coming for another week. I've gone hungry so the kids could eat all they wanted, I've had utilities shut off for non-payment, I've been through it all. It was tough, let me tell you, but at the end of the day, no one died, we survived and are fine. Just know that you will make it through and try to take some calm and comfort from that.


I suggest taking some time to do some research on local pregnancy support clinics and groups that are in your area. The Catholic church, for instance, generally has a center that helps and supports pregnant women in need, and there are bound to be others. Call your local county health clinic and ask questions. They'll likely be able to offer you low cost services and will most certainly have a list of resources for you. Check around, there are resources out there, and I don't think you'll have to check into a shelter to get help.


LRM's post may have been hard to read, but it makes good sense, it's about practicality and reality rather than emotion. Hard to look at, but important stuff, I think.


Keep us posted and hang in there. One day at a time, Breena, it's all you can do right now.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown
**Edited for spelling error**


Edited 4/7/2007 1:32 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 6:44am

As it turns out, I can offer some more comforting advice this time. I know you said you were denied help from the government because your household has too much income - but I assume you are an adult over 21. If you are, you should still be eligible for medicaid to help pay for prenatal care, WIC (a nutritional for Women Infants and Children) which kicks in during pregnancy, food stamps, and during your 3rd trimester, TANF (Temporary Aid For Needy Families). Your parents' income should not matter. You just won't get the part of the stipend that is allocated for housing/rent because you are living in your parent's house. Even then, in some jurisdictions, your parents are allowed to charge you nominal rent - they have to swear they are charging you and document the amount. Please check the eligibility requirements again. No matter what you're told, insist on filling in an application, and if you are denied formally, ask for a fair hearing.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:55pm
Okay, Here is my update since the last time I wrote. Yesterday (Friday) He called me and said he wanted to talk. So, foolish me went to meet him for the simple face I wanted to hear what he had to say. So, he brought me to dinner which I couldn't even eat beacuse of nerves and being pregnant. He was saying he feels really bad and wants to be there for me. And I was like I don't need to hear the Bull crap!!You need to show it with actions not words. He says he's been unable to eat and all he thinks about is this situatioin. I was like good. I can't eat or sleep beacuse of the stress and my emotions going through my head.I don't get to fun away. And because you left me flat a** broke with no food. He said he'd sign a check over to me that was $86 hey it's not much but it was something. He's so cunfusing because I brought out the adoption papers that I recieved in the mail and asked him to please sign them. He said he needed a couple days to think about it. I was like what is there to think about since you told me you want nothing to do with either. ANd he almost got tears in his eyes. WHich is good. And then he's like you need to think about this whole adoption thing for awhile and make sure it's what you want. Which he is right in that aspect, But I don't think I could go through with it. I just wanted tdo see his reaction. He's so confusing! Then he goes on to say you need to eat good take care of yourself for this baby. What's up with that? We ended it short and he said he'd call me later that night, which he did and said he'd like to come over and talk tomorrow morning and would call at 10am. To my surprise (scarasm) He didn't call. So, I called his friend and told him to let him know that I'm going to drop his stuff off at work and that's it. Guess what he called shortly later to tell me that he had to watch his daughter. I was like why didn't you tell me that last night and he said he forgot. Bull crap. Sorry for babbeling! But I'm so angry and It's doing my body no good at all or any good for the baby! I just wish I could keep myself busy enough to keep him off my mind! He seems to think I'll wait forever and im some ways he's right, I'm silly I just keep holding on to this lil piece of hope that he will make right. I know I'm probally fooling myself and it's probally driving me more crazy. I just really miss all the happy times we had and hope that maybe he'lll come around. He gives way to many mixed signals. I really believe he cares after last night but will never be man enough to stand up and and be a man. Oh, I hate saying that...
Once again thank you for taking your time in reading this and giving me some great advice! Bree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:38am
I don't think his actions are confusing, it's easy for him to tell you to consider adoption carefully, note that he didn't say he'd be willing to take the baby, or that he'd be willing to stand up and do the right thing and support his child, he simply said you should consider whether you want to give up the child. He wants you to be sure, but him being there? Uh uh, not what he said, not going to happen. Tears? Sure, I'm sure they're genuine. I'm sure this isn't easy for him, but the fact that bailing is an option says all you need to know. He doesn't have your back, he's not going to have your back, he's too busy backing out. The situation with him *forgetting* he had his daughter, well apparently he *forgot* that he'd made plans with you, because with his daughter or not, why didn't he contact you and let you know he wouldn't be there, or if there was no phone, show up with his daughter and an apology for not being able to have the talk that was arranged. He could have got a message to you one way or another.


While I understand your desire to hurt him, I really urge you not to play games like having him sign papers you really don't think you'll use, etc. Playing games will get you no where and serve no purpose at all. Spending energy in mean, hateful activity will do you no good and only makes your integrity and believability in questionable.


Whether he seems to come through and "does the right thing" or not, always depend on only yourself with this guy. He bailed hard and fast, and dumped you on an agreed on meeting. Truly counting on him or depending on him will wind you up alone and penniless again. Never trust that he's dependable, no matter how much change he shows. It's not good self care.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:40am
That was the county/state program that I was thinking of when I suggested she contact her county health department, but for the life of me I couldn't come up with the name. Glad you did, WIC serves a lot of people, she will absolutely get services from WIC and hopefully will be eligible for other state/county programs as well.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for bubblebath1969
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 4:08pm
Put all that focus into your prenancy and then your child. He is not mature enough to be a dad so be blessed he gave you the ability to produce a life and move on without him. Why would you want someone like that in the life of your child anyway? Sometimes life sucks and is messy, but focus on the positive. You have a beautiful baby growing inside you...enjoy it and be blessed. There are more mature men out there, wait for one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:08am

Thanks. And "Hello again" by the way. It's been a long time. Sounds like you and the board are doing well. Things are good with me, too. I'm not sure why I was away for so long. It started out being a computer problem. We had dial-up and a 10 year old iMac with not enough memory. About a year ago we got a G5 and a cable hook up, and then life just kept getting in the way.

Anyway, I don't have as much time as I used to, but I'll be around from time to time.

LRM

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