A premarital question
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| Wed, 11-16-2005 - 5:49pm |
Hey there ivillagers!! I am not sure if this is the right place for my question, if not maybe you could redirect me. OK, here's my story... I am with the man of my dreams*. (Notice the *). I say that because I think he is perfect for me in everyway except one. We dated for several years, then moved in together and have lived together for three years and he has asked me to marry him :-) As I said he is just perfect for me. There is nothing I can complain about except..... Well, he is a bit old fashion in the man/woman roles area. It's not in our daily lives, like I don’t run around like Edith bunker waiting on him hand and foot, and I’m not an active bra burner either. But I do feel in this day and age that men and women are equal. So I guess I’m taking a poll? (Can I do that?) Does your husband wear the pants in the family or are you equal? Or are their any women out there who wear the pants? Like I said, he is just fantastic in every way and we have been together long enough that I feel I know him well enough to say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m afraid of this one thing. Should I shut up and know my place in a marriage or in this day and age do I have every right to think I should be treated equal? Oh heck, now I feel like I am just jabbering on and on. All my married friends appear to be each others equals and I want to be seen as my husbands equal too. What are marriages like nowadays as far as equality?
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

Lilly, your question is so broad...and there are so many facets to married life...that I'm not sure what exactly what you are asking. And I'm also not sure what you mean by women (or men) wearing the pants. Does it refer to unilateral decision making?
Perhaps you could give us some specific situations to comment on? In what ways do you feel that you are not being treated equally?
For the record, in my marriage all decisions are made jointly. Both of our opinons are of equal importance and we try to find a solution that is win/win.
***edited to add***
It's great that you are addressing your feelings now. I strongly suspect that if you are doubting whether or not this is acceptable at present, it could turn into a major source of discontent if you marry without addressing the issue.
Edited 11/16/2005 6:42 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
I 'wore the pants' in my marriage and I hated it.
I'd need to know what specific things are happening to really be able to put together an answer.
But I will say that it doesn't matter what's deemed "right", "wrong" or "typical in this day and age", what matters is that it feels right to you, and it sounds like it doesn't.
I'd also like to hear specifics of what you're talking about, but I also agree with Pandabu. If what you believe is what the quote at the bottom of your post says, then this sounds like the wrong relationship for you. Trying to figure out the "equality level in marriages these days" (!?!?!?!?!?!?!) won't help if you don't agree with whatever is deemed "normal" because "normal" is whatever's normal for you. You'll know you've found the right partner when his "normal" and yours are the same. You say you want to be seen as an equal in your marriage. If your guy doesn't see you as that now, he won't later either.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
wanted to get something out there to answer at least some questions. As I tried to come up with some examples, I realized he has never said anything to me directly. He is very affectionate, encouraging, supportive, complimentary, helpful, etc to me. When he says things that concern me, it is usually in response to a situation on television or a movie we are watching together. For example, we were watching Mr. Mom a few weeks ago (for those who are not familiar with this movie, it is about a man who gets laid off and his SAH wife goes back to work and the husband becomes a SATD). In the movie, when the wife suggests going back to work and he agrees my guy said “ha! That wouldn’t happen in my house”. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that is not the first time he has made comments like that in reference to roles of men and woman. I’m sure there are millions of men who would not take on that role either, but it seems to be the way he is saying it. He’s not saying he would/could not take on that responsibility or role he’s stating it would never even be an option. Men work, women raise children. Oh heck, I feel like I’m not describing the situation very well. Also, during the movie, there is a scene where all the women are telling the man “he’s doing it wrong” and he made a comment them too. Something like, “of course he is”. I wasn’t sure if he meant of course a man is doing it wrong, it’s woman’s work or that of course women are critical of men ie, women are bitchy. Again, maybe I’m reading too much into it and I guess I should just ask him. I’m out of time, I have an appointment. Thank you. BTW, he does, cook, clean and do laundry, etc at our house.
I would think his comments would make a perfect entry to a discussion that would clarify it foryou. Instead of silently wondering what it means, ASK HIM!!!! How else will you make certain you know where he stands and what he sees as roles for each of you in marriage. I think it's important to know what the expectations are BEFORE you take the plunge. Wondering, hoping and assuming might just lead to a very unhappy nad disappointing marraige.
I think it's good that he does his share of the housework, but I wonder, does he expect that to change when there's a WIFE instead of a GIRLFRIEND?
I'm getting the idea that you have more concerns than you've said, maybe you can't quite put your finger on them? Or am I reading it wrong? I would be certain I had no concerns, fears or doubts before I took another step.
From my standpoint, my DH and I had talked about things (to a degree) and how they were to be divided up after marriage. Not NEAR as in depth as we should have and honestly, I should have gone and lived with is parents for awhile so I could see what he had grown up with. Because what he said he thought and what he truly felt/expected turned out to be two different things. I think he was trying to be more progressive (ie less of a chauvanist) and agree to what sounded good, but in reality he expects almost a 50s era wife.
The thing for you is that you've lived together for awhile and I would *think* (key word is think) that you would know what he expects now. BUT he may very well figure that if/when kids come that you would quit and stay home and be barefoot and in the kitchen. What did his mom do? Because I can almost guarantee that is what he thinks should be done.
Talk to him about it though. There isn't anything scary about asking questions and finding out the answers. Scary is when you don't know and are shocked when you find out what the answers are while you are going through it.
Jen
Men and women are equal, I agree with you. Different, but equal, and I think that's maybe what future hubby is trying to say. We have different roles in a relationship because we are different. I think a man should be able to head up a household and take charge, just like a woman should marry a man who she thinks could be head of a household. But just like a man can put a woman 'in her place' when she is wrong, a woman should put her husband 'in his place' when he's wrong. As long as he's not making you wear a habbit and do every single thing there is to do around the house, I wouldn't see it as a big problem. In Genesis it says that God made Adam a helper, and helper tends to suggest that Adam did something too -- for how can Eve help a man when he's not doing anything?
Equal; yes; but different.
I agree with Marcy and I think Jen's experience should serve as a strong demonstration of why it's so important. Don't go into a marriage (or any other important agreement) without being completely clear about what it is you're getting into.
I get the feeling you've got some other uneasiness about marriage to this guy, are we right? What is it?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"