problems at bedtime
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| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:28pm |
First a little background info. My bf has a few sleeping problems. If he gets woken up, its extremely difficult for him to get back to sleep. He gets pissed if I accidently wake him up, and he thinks that I wake him up on purpose.
If I slip up and wake him, we get into this huge argument about it. I try not to wake him up, but sometimes I do, and I don't know why I forget. Its happened so many times before, thats why he thinks I do it on purpose.
Thats what our problem is now.
This time he said that we're not going to make up until I come up with some ideas on how I can -not- wake him up, but my mind is drawing a complete blank. Does anyone else have problems like this? What solutions can anyone give me? I don't want to have to get two seperate beds because our room is small, plus we live with his brother (we rent the place from him) so sleeping in seperate rooms isn't an option. Anyone?

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I'm a little confused by your post. You speak of accidentally waking him...but you also mention that you forget to not wake him. An accident is an accident, but 'forgetting' is a deliberate act.
What's going on here? Are you bumping into him while you're asleep? Or are you deliberately waking him for conversation and/or sex?
Once I know what's going on here, I can give you a proper answer.
I think it happens most often when we go to bed, but I'm still wide awake and not seeing sleep anywhere in sight. I suppose it just doesn't occur to me that he'll be asleep because I'm not.
I don't really see forgetting as being deliberate, because this isn't the only time I forget. I'm very forgetful in everyday situations. I have ADHD, so thats probably part of it. But I would like to be able to stop waking him up :(
>>I don't really see forgetting as being deliberate<<
No, my point regarding 'forgetting' is that if you 'forget' to not touch him - it would mean that you've got a choice in your actions. For example, you're lying there and decide to shake him awake for some reason. ie; You forget to leave him asleep. But from what I understand, you're just bumping him accidentally. This isn't about forgetting to not wake him - it's about what happens to anyone who shares a bed with someone else. You do realise that everyone tosses and turns in the night don't you?
But leaving analysing of wording aside, this is your boyfriend's problem - not yours! I did suspect this from your first post, which I why I wanted clarification before I blasted him.
Now that I've got the clarification, I can say that I'm appalled at his behaviour and I'm horrified that you seem to be accepting that you're the one at fault and that you're the one who needs to change. He's the one with the sleep issues but he's blaming you for moving in the night like any normal person. If he's pissed at you because you bump his hand which is near your head...tell him to keep his friggin hands away from your body if it's such a big deal and that he should quit whining. What does he seriously expect you to do.....wear a straight jacket so as not to risk bumping him?
What to do? First of all, tell him to go to a sleep clinic. Or deal with whatever is effecting his sleep. But don't let him blame this on you and don't accept him getting pissed with you when you're totally normal. Hon, having someone getting pissed at you because of an accident is totally unacceptable. Stand up to him and accept no more of this nonsense.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but his behaviour is a huge red flag. And I'll lay money that he likes to blame you for other problems too.
Edited 1/23/2006 11:19 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
I have to say, when I read that he got mad because your NOSE hit his watch (like you'd do that on purpose) my first thought was, he needs to make sure his hand isn't on your pillow! And if he's that light of a sleeper then he needs to be sleeping in a space all by himself. Or take sleeping pills.
I totally agree with Aisha, when you sleep with someone else, you will bump them.
Jen
I agree as well, this is totally unacceptable on his part, and I too am thinking there are probably plenty of other things he blames you for, yes? I'm also betting he has a temper when he's wide awake when things don't go the way he'd like, yes?
I'm also very alarmed that you would be "upset" or "concerned" that he blames you; I'm concerned that you're not indignant that he would suggest such a thing -- how dare he! How is it that he can fling himself all over the bed then blame you for bumping him when he's in your "territory"? If he wants to be left alone, he should learn to sleep on his own side of the bed. Why are you concerned rather than upset and indignant? Why are you taking the blame for this and trying to change how you sleep to suit him? This is his problem, not yours, if he doesn't like it HE needs to change. Quite frankly, my response would be, "well then, I'll just sleep at my own place -- don't bother to call again." And I'd be outta there. No way would I put up with someone who'd accuse me of doing something on purpose, that's something an enemy would do, not your friend and certainly not your boyfriend. Why are you accepting this?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
geoteo, you're right about me not wanting to leave the relationship.
We are actually about to get a bigger bed. Right now we have a full size bed and we have a queen ready and waiting to be put into place.
In my second post here, I said "but I'm still wide awake and not seeing sleep anywhere in sight. I suppose it just doesn't occur to me that he'll be asleep because I'm not". What I mean by this is that yes, I do bump him when I'm fully concious, which I suppose most people would interpret as being deliberate. But I dont do it thinking "I'm not asleep, so why should he be?" so I just dont see it as being deliberate. Maybe thats my problem.
But yes, I do touch him after the lights are out, and since I have no idea whether or not he's asleep, I might very well be doing it "on purpose". Thats what I want to figure out and how I can stop my mind from saying to me "go ahead and touch him"
The only thing I can really think of is to make myself so tired before bed that I just fall asleep after only a few minutes (I did this last night, but K wasn't here so it was really easy. Plus, he usually wants to go to bed by 11 and I stayed up till 2 last night.)
Maybe sleeping pills would work for both of us? I would fall asleep faster so I wouldnt move around and he'd sleep easier.
Sleeping in separate rooms is an option - you sleep in the living room.
According to you both the problem is: whenever you breathe or move you wake him up. The reality of that happening is he gets upset.
So to solve he problem - remove you from his sleeping environment. That way when something else wakes him and he gets upset - if he screams at you you'll know it's because he considers you a whipping post, scape goat and doormat.....and if he takes his issue to the appropriate party - it won't be your problem.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
OKay, I've thought about it and I have one longer term solution. Go to bed before he does. He has to wait til you are asleep to come in to bed. That way you won't be "forgetting" and waking him. And since you will be asleep, where he lays is HIS issue.
Jen
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