Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Question
17
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:56am

Hi! I need some advice and am hoping to get some opinions on here. I have been dating a guy for about 5 months now, and he is a REALLY nice guy. The only thing is, he is quite shy, and has never been in a relationship before. This is making me really apprehensive, because it almost seems like he is with me and really wants to stay with me for fear of being single again and not having the courage to meet other people. He says that is not the case, however he has said things before like, "I never thought I would be able to find a girlfriend"..... and sometimes things happen that I think he should be mad about, like typical relationship problems, that he seems very easy-going about, too easy-going. It makes me think that he is just in it to be with someone.....any advice how to figure this out?

Thanks so much for any help!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: lizm83
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:56am
What sorts of things do you think he should get mad about?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: lizm83
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:29pm
Well, its not so much that he should get mad, but like if we have an argument, he always takes the blame, even when I am saying its my fault. (and it is my fault) I dont know, I just feel like I could do anything and he would be ok with it.....not that I would......if that makes sense??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: lizm83
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:48pm

Well, I think your gut is trying to tell you something.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: lizm83
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:00pm
I really appreciate your advice........I am going to look up that book right now. :) Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizm83
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 2:43am
Are you guys pretty young? I get the idea that you are. Lizm83, there's something else you might try. You might sit down with him and air your concerns. It sounds like you've already done that, but you might try it a little differently. Voice concern about him always taking the blame in an argument, even when it's not his fault. Tell him something like, "The thing is, that's not how good, healthy relationships go. In a healthy relationship, you're equals and you each take responsibility for your own actions and words. What's happening here is not equal or healthy and that concerns me." Now maybe it won't make a difference and you'll break up anyway, but even if you do, you'll have given him some valuable thoughts that may help him down the road. It may be that he'd like to be different but he's afraid speaking up will cause a break up. He may need to hear you say it's expected that he'll treat this honestly, fairly and equally.


You cannot be a 'teacher' in your relationship, a boyfriend is not a work in progress or a project, he is an equal, a project can't be an equal or a partner. If you have to continually tell him how to behave in a relationship, then it's not going to work, but if you can give him just an idea how interaction should be, you may resolve the problem.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: lizm83
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:26am
Thank you for your help. We are young, 23 and 22. I am going to tell him how it concerns me because it is unhealthy, and that I really want him to express what bothers him, or his desires and wants. Thanks!!! (This website is so great, btw.) :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizm83
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:10pm
Lizm83 ~ have you talked to him yet? Let us know how it goes when you do!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: lizm83
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:09am

Hi! I hope you had a good weekend!

I did talk to him. I explained that our relationship needs to be more two sided, with both of us trying to please each other. I asked him if there is anything that he would like to do, or get out of the relationship that is not there right now. He said he wishes he could watch foot ball more. Which, I responded that that is great and I am happy to do that.....or do something else on Sundays and not take up football time. (though its almost over I guess anyway) SO...I guess that was good. I was hoping for something a little more deep I guess, but some response is better then nothing??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lizm83
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:05pm
I agree, it's a good start.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: lizm83
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:07am

Well....I have another update. Last night we talked a little more about it..... I explained to him that I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like maybe its just not going to work, and we should just move on with our seperate lives, and then literally five minutes later I think, he is SUCH a nice guy though, and I do enjoy spending time with him......So, after explaining this we were talking about why I was feeling this way, and I just said that I feel like it needs to be more two-sided, as we talked about earlier. And at some point he said the phrase, and I quote, "Besides work, the rest of my life revolves around you." At this point, I said, "That may be part of the problem. You are a huge part of my life, but I still have other things/friends/hobbies/activities that I do and persue, even while being with you. For example, this whole time you would have liked to watch football, but did not even mention it to me until only one game is left in the season. I would be happy with you watching football, or doing other things that might interest you.....you just need to say the word."

So, we have decided to "back up" a little bit. I am so unclear about whether we just do not have enough in common, or are not compatible, or what....but we are going to not spend as much time together, in hopes that we can "see things a little more clearly"......
Sorry this was a little rambling.....I am just frustrated....I date all these rude, jerks who walk all over you and then finally am dating a nice one and would just really like it to work.

I hope you are all having a good day!!

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