questioning my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
questioning my marriage
25
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:48am
What are you supposed to do if after a few years of marriage you feel like you married the wrong man? I thought he was the right one because he treats me wonderfully, thinks the world of me, is very supportive, is intelligent, will be a great father someday. Comes from a great familiy...stable...the works....but I am just not feeling him. He keeps asking me what is wrong and I tell him I do not feel good because I do not want to hurt him. What do I do? I keep thinking there is someone else out there for me. Am I just being too independent? Sometimes I resent being a wife. He isn't as strong as he used to be, needs me to help him make decisions like what to eat for dinner. I feel as though he leans on me TOO much. I'm all for give and take but I feel as though he is becoming completely dependent emotionally and it's sucking up my energy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 6:03am

I haven't read all the responses, but I got far enough to see that he's in therapy. Speak to his therapist. As his wife, the therapist will have some degree of latitude talking to you. Tell the therapist what you are seeing in your husband's behavior and your feelings about it. It may be appropriate for you to join him in therapy to resolve this issue. I can't imagine that it is not related to whatever he is dealing with there.

You can tell him you'd like to speak to his therapist before you do it, or you can go to the therapist first, for advice on how to proceed. However, in the latter case, understand that you will have to eventually tell him and deal openly with him about your feelings. Either path will set the process in motion, so you need to be ready to go forward before you start.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:36pm

Thanks to both of you for mentioning the transitional stages people in therapy go through. I had no idea about this -- it makes sense.

My husband has asked me a couple times if I would like to go to a session with him, and I've agreed every time he has asked, but he never follows through with setting it up. I am just so sick of taking the lead with everything lately that I haven't bothered to set it up myself.

The strange thing is, he has said a couple times in the last year or so that he does not feel this therapist is doing much for him -- that they never come to any conclusions. I suggested he change therapists but he feels he has put so much time and energy forming a basis with this one that he does not want to switch. For those of you who seem to have some knowledge about therapy, what do you think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:25pm

I think I need to back track a little bit.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:38pm

You asked:
1. How long have you been married and how long did you know each other before you married?

We have been married 2 years and dated for 7 years before that. A long time!

2. When did these behavioral changes start?
I think once we moved in together they started to happen -- a month before we got married. We dated long distance for 7 years, lived near each other for 2 and then moved in right before the wedding. He used to be very independent.

3. Are your feelings (thinking you're not married to the right man) surrounding changes in him only, or are they also based in characteristics that have existed all along -- perhaps things that have progressively bothered you more about him, and if so, what are those characteristics?
He told me recently after I asked him where his confidence was, where was his gumption, backbone, etc (I did not ask in a mean way, we were having an open conversation)and he said he hid a lot of it from me for a long time because he knows that the current characteristics he is exhibiting are not attractive. So I really think he only allows me and maybe his mother to see these insecurities he has. But I am not his mother -- I am his wife, yet I feel like he expects me to baby him or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 2:08am

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, I posted to you today from work and wasn't able to get time to get back and read your post until tonight, after work. I'll apologize now, Maureen, because I'm going to ramble all over the place. I hope you can bear with me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like the dissatisfaction you feel with your husband are personality characteristics, granted, they are things he hid from you, but they are who he really is, correct? He changed just before marriage and those changes have remained while you have grown more dissatisfied with the characteristics that appeared and stayed. It sounds like he hid his true self from you until you moved in together, then things changed. I would assume they changed because he was unable to hide them from you in those close quarters. You must have been confused, and I assume you figured he was different because living together was new and that you expected things to settle in and him to go back to being who you thought he was.


In your first post you said you "just aren't feeling him", but beyond that it's sounded more like you're disappointed and disillusioned with him rather than it being a case of not feeling like you have a strong connection. Or have I misunderstood? I get the idea that you don't feel equal, that you're carrying more weight, taking the actions and in that you're losing respect for him as not being a partner but rather needing someone to take charge and make decisions for him.


If what I'm understanding is true, I'd say that two years of consistently showing these traits is pretty indicative that this is not going to change, and that he never really was who you thought he was. From that standpoint, I'd say you have good reason to question your marriage, he's not who he portrayed himself to be. I'd say you have every reason to be angry, to feel tricked. How long has he been in therapy? Were you aware that he had problems when you married him?


The transitional changes that I talked about before come when therapy stirs up issues, things can change/get worse as you're faced with issues that are hard to deal with until you get through them, or get a good handle on them in therapy. Facing difficult issues can cause deep insecurities to surface and cause a person to be vulnerable, unsure, anxiety ridden, etc., but if he's not seeing progress in more than a year, that's not likely the case at all.


I would think if he's not seeing progress in over a year, or not much progress, seeing a new therapist would be a smart thing to do. I understand not wanting to start over with a new therapist, but it doesn't make sense to continue to see someone who's not doing any good. Do you know if he's talked to his therapist about his lack of improvement? If so, do you know what the therapist has said? How long has he been going to this therapist? How much progress has he made with this therapist since the beginning? Has he made significant changes since he began seeing this therapist? It's really impossible to say what the situation is; it's possible the therapist isn't appropriate for him and isn't doing him any good and keeps him on for the $$$. The polar opposite is that it's possible that your husband has made all, or nearly all the progress he's going to make; in therapy there's such a thing as "the best that can be achieved". I would think though, that if he's been without change for as long as he has, seeing someone else is the smart thing to do.


Of course, that doesn't resolve your problem. What do you think about what I've said?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:11am

First of all, I’d like to tell you I truly appreciate you taking the time and effort to respond to me and help me out with my situation. I have no one I can really talk with openly and honestly about this. I apologize because this is a very long response.

You mention that perhaps I am more disappointed and disillusioned rather than ‘just not feeling’ my husband. I think your words “disappointed and disillusioned’ are in fact more accurate. I do feel like I’m carrying more weight, that although I THOUGHT he was a strong, independent guy, more and more I’m realizing he is not. He is on the phone with his family at least once a day. Let me say first that I am all for being close with the family you have, but it is a bit much sometimes. He wants to be there for everyone in the family but I think truly he needs them to need him if that makes sense. For a while I thought they needed him but I am beginning to think he is creating some kind of situation where his constant calling/asking how things are etc, is just so he feels they need him.

Last night for example he came downstairs and said he forgot to send a card to his nephew for his birthday. He asked me, “should I send a card?” I responded by telling him (nicely) that is not a question he needs to ask me – it’s his nephew, it’s a birthday card. If he wants to send him a birthday card, do it. I don’t need to be part of that decision process. He was silent and I apologized but he said, “you are right. I’m not disagreeing with you.” But then I think because he was feeling inadequate or something, he must have told me he loved me about 4 times within an hour. I wanted to scream, “enough!” but I didn’t because I don’t want to hurt him.

He has been in therapy at least a year and a half that I have known about. It could be more – this was something too that I found out by accident sort of and he told me that he thought I might take it as weak and judge him. I told him I was proud of him (at this point those issues were beginning to show and I thought this would help him get back to who he was before we were married) and I support his decision to see someone.

I did not know the extent of his issues before we married. We dated a long time, and I think now that part of that was because he was afraid to make the jump which I can understand, but I wonder if it was because I might learn about some of these things. I honestly cannot think of times when a red flag would have been raised when I thought, ‘this guy is reverting to some type of behavior I am not familiar with’. I prob would not have called things off due to some minor personality changes – goodness knows I have my ups and downs (issues with my relatives, unhappiness with work, not sure about my career), but with me, I always put it all out there for him – this is me, take it or leave it, and always knowing I’d be able to get through it.

He is on anxiety and depression meds – both prescriptions. He takes a depression pill and two anxiety pills a day. I did not know about these until a few years back before we were married I started having panic attacks after 9/11 and my doctor prescribed something to take if an attack popped up. I was upset about it and he said, “don’t feel bad, I take some things to. That’s what they’re there for”. At this point we had been dating a few years and were talking marriage.

As for his therapy – he has spoken with his doc about not making progress, the doc said to give it a few more appointments and told him the stall in progress might be b/c he was not going to appointments regularly (money was tight and he had decided he better take a break). I think since he has been seeing the therapist he has become more compulsive, more confessional. For example on a Friday night he will list for me what he will be doing on Saturday: get up, have breakfast and read a little, run to home depot, run into the office to finish some paperwork, and then come home, watch some football and then go to dinner. I respond by saying, you can do what you want, it’s fine with me and when you list all those things it just makes me anxious like I have to do things too. I feel like my mental health is being compromised! His response will be something like, “I know, I just wanted to tell you”. I think this stems from his doc getting him to stop writing lists. He used to have post its everywhere, which I didn’t think was a bad thing, I feel like a lot of people keep lists. But I guess the lists were hanging over him, rather than helping him to remember what to do.

I am going to suggest to him that he see someone else. This guy doesn’t seem to be too much help. I’ve suggested we move away from a big city, go somewhere less crazy and live because that may help his condition and feelings of being overwhelmed but I think he feels he has something to prove by making it under competitive conditions.

I am not perfect – I don’t mean to sound like I think I am by writing these things about him. He is a good guy, but just not what I thought he was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:24am

Hi there again -- I wanted to jump back in here because after reading today's posts, it's all a bit more complicated than I'd originally thought.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 12:06pm

Hey there. Don't feel bad about your earlier posts, please! Its funny, until I started posting here, I think I was in denial about ho serious these issues are. I kept saying to myself and others that my husband and I are perfect for each other in how we compliment each other, but it's become more complicated than that. as I try to help him become less dependent, he becomes more codependent.

He has been diagnosed with depression/anxiety, maybe a little OCD but not full blown OCD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:35pm

It's hard to see things clearly when you're looking at them every day from a very close angle.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:56pm

Your questions:
If he stays exactly the way he is now, is he someone you could live with the rest of your life?

A. I hate to say it but the answer is no. It will suck all my energy to stay patient with him and not blow up at him.

If the answer is no, what exactly would have to change?
B. He would have to stop being needy. I know relationships are give and take but it cannot be all take emotionally speaking. He would have to stop telling me he loves me 4 times in one hour just while we're at home reading. He would have to stop depending on me for minor decisions. He would have to stop stressing about every decision we need to make: when to paint the house, when to get furniture, when to decorate for Christmas, when to have a party, when to go on a trip. He says these issues/his stalling on making a decision are all about money -- he wants to have all the money lined up before we do this stuff but I think it is another level of his lack of independence. Because when I make the decision for him, and we do one of these things, the money isn't the issue after all -- he is simply paralyzed by having to make the "perfect" and "infallable" decision. Which of course there never is a perfect decision. And I should add, we are not hard up for money and carry little debt, so the money is not an issue. I am running on, sorry.

Short answer: I want him to be a stronger person with more confidence. That part is key, I feel he has no confidence in himself.