questioning my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
questioning my marriage
25
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:48am
What are you supposed to do if after a few years of marriage you feel like you married the wrong man? I thought he was the right one because he treats me wonderfully, thinks the world of me, is very supportive, is intelligent, will be a great father someday. Comes from a great familiy...stable...the works....but I am just not feeling him. He keeps asking me what is wrong and I tell him I do not feel good because I do not want to hurt him. What do I do? I keep thinking there is someone else out there for me. Am I just being too independent? Sometimes I resent being a wife. He isn't as strong as he used to be, needs me to help him make decisions like what to eat for dinner. I feel as though he leans on me TOO much. I'm all for give and take but I feel as though he is becoming completely dependent emotionally and it's sucking up my energy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:33pm

But what if this is who he really is?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:44pm

Thanks for your response. It sounds like you understand my mind! I think I need to figure out how to bring this up to him and use the right words so I dont crush him. I don't know how that is going to happen. I will have to be gentle, but I need to say these things openly in order for this relationship to work. I need to set a timeframe. Say, 6 months, and tell him I'd like to see a change.

I am always afraid of telling him how I feel when he acts certain ways because he has become so senstive. And then I feel bad and think it's easier to soften what I say than stand firm.

Someone told me once that people help those who don't help themselves. I feel like my husband and I are falling into that pattern. I keep propping him up emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:05pm
Maureen, I've read the conversations between you and Kim today, and I completely agree with everything Kim has said. I'll go a step further and say it's most likely that he's not going to change. Looking at it realistically, he hid this from you while you were dating, it's been a part of his life for two years for sure, and considering that he hid it, most likely it's been a part of him most, if not all, of his adult life and probably before. He's been in therapy for a year and a half that you know of (I assume that means he went to therapy on the sly too?), and has been on meds for years before that. He's no stranger to any of this, not by a long shot.


I'm reading guilt in some of your posts, you qualify your explanations of him by saying you're not perfect either. I just want you to know that we don't for one minute think you feel you're perfect or that you demand perfection in him; we know it's not like that. We also know you're not perfect and that what you want and expect from his is completely appropriate; you're not wrong for not being happy and accepting of him as he is, not at all.


I'm not so sure talking to him about this is appropriate just yet. I think laying it out, no matter how gently it's laid out, he's going to panic, and he's either going to get more clingy or he's going to hide his issues more; either way, it won't be helpful, not to him or to you. It won't change the end result; telling him you can't accept this won't help him get better, and his reaction, good or bad, won't change your feelings on the subject, it won't change it at all, but it will amp everything up for him. If I were you I would ask him his history; I'm actually surprised you haven't already. I'd want to know when his problems started, how long he's been on meds, how often and how long he's gone to therapy in the past, all of it. I think it's important information to know. I think the best thing for you to do is to have him sign a release of information form with his therapist allowing the therapist to talk openly and freely with you. I would make an appointment to see this therapist on my own so that you can talk freely with him. He will likely be able to tell you what he sees as a prognosis, what the best expected results are likely to be. He should have a good idea whether he thinks this is going to resolve, whether this is going to be a lifelong issue with him or something in the middle. From there you'll be able to make decisions from a more informed standpoint, and I think that's important. You went into this blind, it's time you knew exactly what the situation is.


I want to tell you too that I have some like experiences to yours - not exactly the same, not even close to exact, but I do understand how you may be feeling more than you might think. I've not shared them with you before they are enough different that they don't really apply to your situation, and the focus has needed to be on your situation, but on an emotional level, I think they may be very similar. I'll tell you sometime if you're interested, sometimes it helps to know someone understands how you feel in a situation.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 10:12am

It's funny because I think deep down I was afraid that confronting my husband would make him more clingy or else hide his tracks again, so last night I was close to bringing some things up and I stopped. I'm going to go the route of talking to him re the history of all of this and ask to be involved with the therapist.

And yes, I would like to know more about your dealings with something similar because your insight and advice is pretty amazing -- I was beginning to think you were are therapist yourself!

Thanks to both you and Kim, I cannot tell you how much this has helped me. I was getting sick over this situation -- it kept running through my head. I will be back to let you know how things go. What an awful time of year for all of this to be happening. I don't even feel like Christmas!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:09am
Yeah, I can't see you telling him you can't accept this as doing anything but making things worse. If he was able to stop being how he is he would have already done that, telling him he has to change for you to stay won't make him any more able to accomplish that. In order for his therapist to talk to you, your husband will have to sign a form allowing his therapist to talk to you. If your husband has a "habit" of not doing what he says he'll do (you indicated that by saying he's failed to set up a couples session) I'd not only talk to him about it, but I'd also call his therapist and inquire about a meeting with him regarding your husband. That will likely prompt the therapist to discuss your request with your husband, and get the form signed without relying on your husband "remembering" to ask for it.


I really am surprised that you haven't asked for more information before this. When he first admitted to being on meds, I would have wanted to know a lot more -- like how long he'd been on them, why, etc. I'm surprised too that info hasn't leaked out from his family.


I'll give you the abbreviated version of my story, of course by now you know the abbreviated anything from me is still going to be very long ~ sorry, I can't seem to "talk" briefly!


My ex had emotional issues - also alcoholism and was verbal and emotionally abusive (there's a big difference between my situation and yours!) I stayed for many jumbled reasons, but one of them was because I felt bad for him that he wasn't happy (the emotional issues), he was depressed, he'd had a lousy childhood and I so wanted to help him be happy. Thinking of leaving made me feel guilty. I felt that I was the glue that kept him functioning in the world as well as he did (I know that makes him sound like a total whack job, but that's not the case). I dated him for three years before we married and never had a clue that he was depressed, alcoholic or abusive. I never saw a sign. I'll admit I was young and stupid and should have recognized that this wasn't a relationship that should move to marriage, but I didn't recognize any indicators of his problems. After marriage things changed drastically and quickly. Many people think you're nuts if you suggest things changed abruptly and drastically, but I'm here to tell you, it happened to me, and I think it happened to you too. From that relationship I can relate to feelings you may have about leaving, guilt, concern of what it would do to him, etc.


After I divorced him, I went to therapy to get the "junk" out and to make sure I didn't repeat the mistake I'd made and choose another like my ex-husband. Six years later I remarried. Two years ago my husband disclosed he had a gambling addiction. To say I was shook up at the realization that I'd married another addict is putting it very mildly, but that's another story. My husband married me knowing he had this problem, knowing I was unaware and knowing that I would never have married him if I'd known. I'm not sure I can accurately articulate what I felt. I was angry, I felt very betrayed; I felt that I didn't know him or anything about him; I trusted nothing -- if he had lied to me about this (a lie by omission), what else had he lied about? This man went from someone I believed I knew *everything* about to someone I didn't trust at all and didn't believe I knew anything about. I don't know that you're feeling tricked, lied to and brought into a marriage without the information you needed to appropriately make the decision, I suspect you do, I don't know how you couldn't! The omission you had and the one I had are completely different, I know. Different situations, but the resulting feelings and emotions are likely very similar.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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