Questioning my marriage...
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| Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:35pm |
Does anyone else think of the big "D" when you aren't very happy with spouse? I can't really pinpoint the exact reason I am unhappy just a few things and it really bothers me that I start thinking of what I would do or say if I really wanted a divorce. I don't even like to type the word. It is a very scary and final thing so why is it when I get angry enough I think I can't handle him anymore and the only way I will truly be happy is by myself. I know I am a very independent person and prideful. He is very bossy and strong willed. I love and hate these qualities he possesses. It just seems lately that I can't get my way. We ( I should say he)recently decided to not have anymore children. I would like to have one more but he doesn't so I feel like I am trapped. I can't have a child on my own. But why does he get what he wants and I am left without? He wanted the house we bought 3 years ago and I didn't but because he is so persistant I backed down even though I knew the house would have a water leakage problem in the basement and now we have to fix it. HE wanted a bigger garage and I didn't because it is gonna cost us when I know we won't be living there forever and so he builds a garage. He bought a new boat 2 yrs ago when his other one was only a couple yrs old and I didn't want him to. Now he talks about getting another new boat and I tell him no. He is so persistant I just keep backing down. These things we can afford but the point is we keep just adding to our loans. I just feel like he gets all that he wants and what do I get? I got a new car but I had to since my jeep's gasket blew and it was junked. That's it! I feel like I am being a baby and I am adding some stupid tally up to see who has more. These things bother me and I am starting to resent him. I talked to him about this one time and he just plain said I should have been more aggressive and open to how I truly feel. What else am I suppose to say other than "NO"! I guess when I back down it's because I trust him to make a good decision and I don't have as much confidence in my own. He is a smart man and is much more savvy about money than I am but I have learned a lot from him and it seems like he is the one who spends the biggest amount of money on his crap. THe only reason he built the garage was so he had something big enough to put his boat into. The good thing was he built it so it didn't cost as much and he works for a lumber warehouse. The other thing is it adds to the value of our property. I just wish I wasn't so selfish. He just seems to think of things internally and how it affects him and only him. I love that he is smart, self sufficiant, helpfull in and around the house and a go getter but his personality needs some work. He has gotten better since we have been together (10yrs) but I just think sometimes I made the wrong decision marrying him sometimes. We have very different personalities. He is more introverted and I am more social. He doesn't care to go out of his way for anyone to make them more comfortable. If he is having a bad day he will let the world know. I don't like to show my anger in front of friends or strangers so that they don't feel uncomfortable. I would rather try to have a better day and not fret over the little things.
Anyone know what I am going through? I need some advice or just someone who has gone through this before. Even if you haven't if you have some words of wisdom or comfort I would appreciate it.

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I was with my husband for 10 years, and it sure sounds similar to my own life. The way you describe yourself and him, sounds very familiar. I left my husband and filed for divorce in December. Since then, I have had a LOT of time to think over my actions. First of all, I didn't try hard enough to tell him just how desperate and alone I was feeling. And second, I didn't realize how much my moving out would hurt him. He is not the type to communicate his feelings, and when I moved out it hurt him deeply. Now, I want to work things out and he doesn't. I have finally gotten him to agree to (maybe) see a counselor with me to see if we can work it out.
IF you want some advice: When you talk to him, don't just complain. Try to think of ways to work things out. Think of exactly what you want, what your goals are and find a good counselor. When looking for a counselor, look for one who works with couples from a "solution" standpoint. The last thing you want is some counselor telling you to leave him "for your own good." You want someone who specializes in keeping marraiges together, and works on problem solving, not delving into your childhood dramas to help you find yourself. Believe me, I wish I had done that. The counselor I found was an idiot. And don't listen to your friends or family members who tell you to leave him. They love you and mean well, but they are only hearing your side of the story, and it's not them who is going to have to deal with the outcome. If you have children, leaving WILL NOT be good for them unless he is truly abusive. If not, then try at all costs to work it out.
I listened to well meaning people who didn't even know my husband very well, and now I am the one wishing I had stayed and missing my husband and my life, not them!!
Get the book: "The Divorce Remedy". It's worth it's weight in gold.
Thank you so much. I know that divorce is not the "easy way out" especially since we do have a child together. I know we could use counseling but I am not sure right now is the time to bring it up. I have in the past and he said no. I know that if we were having a disagreement and I got mad enough and I said that I think of leaving him he would do everything in his power to make it work. We have gone through tough times before and he wasn't about to let me go. He is very persistant. I know that he loves me and is extremely loyal to me. I also know that I give up too easily on things and think more on the extreme to solve my problem when it can only make it worse.
I think I am going to check out that book and some other ones for both of us to read and learn from.
Thanx again!
Why isn't this a good time for counseling? The longer you wait the more damage is done, the longer it will take to resolve, the better the chance is that it will have reached the point that it's unresolvable. If he says no (big surprise, sounds like he vetoes whatever you say), go by yourself. Tell him you're concerned about the future of your marriage and you're going to counseling to do what you can for it. Tell him you hope he'll come with you, but you're going whether he goes or not. I'd urge you not to suggest you're leaving unless you're really ready to carry it out, making threats you don't plan to carry out is never a good move; it hurts your credibility and may put you in a position you don't want to be in, such as him agreeing that a separation would be a good thing.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Referrals For a Qualified Therapist
Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials
Some thoughts on couples counselors from a therapist friend of mine:
A HUGE caution: Most therapists are NOT adequately trained to do marriage therapy. ASK DIRECTLY what qualifications they have to do marriage counseling. It's a whole different animal than individual therapy. A poorly trained therapist can actually make matters WORSE!! The best therapists are the ones who make the MARRIAGE their "client," and they advocate for the relationship rather than for either of the individuals.
The most important thing is to ask the right questions, and most of them can be answered in one session, or even over the phone ahead of time if the therapist agrees to it. You already have some good ones in your posting. Do you ever take sides? why or why not? What's the goal - what do you hope my marriage will look like when we're "done?" What kind of training have you had specifically for marriage counseling? Do you give homework? How often will you see us? Do you always see us together, or will you see us separately too? How long are your clients usually in therapy?
In all honesty, men usually respond better to a male therapist - they don't feel as ganged up on as if they're sitting in a room with two women. And going to therapy is HARDER for men than for women in most cases. They go expecting to be beat up on, whined at & told they're the problem - by the therapist as well as their wife. They don't generally go with positive expectations (like women do), so it takes them more courage. For most men I know, going to a therapist is admitting they're a total failure as a husband and man.
Usually neither person is "right" - they're just different from each other, which starts to feel like the right way (mine) & the wrong way (yours)in a real hurry! I love to tell people "you can be right, or you can be married, but you can't be both!"
Fees usually range $75 for a master's-level therapist to $175 for a psychologist. Beware: prices and degrees aren't an accurate indication of the quality of treatment. A busy schedule is! Look for someone who's licensed as a marriage & family therapist (LMFT), NEVER agree to see an intern, and don't expect to find a therapist at your local mental health center. Most insurance companies DO NOT cover marital therapy (they're stupid) - they need an "identified patient" with an attached diagnosis before they'll pay. So most couples agree to submit the sessions under one person's name, or bill every other session to each name so that both partners are "identified patients" and neither feels singled out.
**Edited to remove error**And there's no such thing as a neutral therapist!!! Everybody has values, and they are what fuels therapy, even if the therapist never expresses them openly. For example, if your therapist believes that affairs can be positive in a marriage, or that divorce is "normal" and expected, he/she will handle your relationship very differently than someone who believes in fidelity or who thinks divorces should be avoided if possible.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/23/2007 1:31 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanx for your response. I know I should just go ahead and tell him about the counseling but I am afraid of conflict and how he is going to feel about it. I guess I am not sure how to bring it up. Any ideas? I don't want him to think I am totally dissatisfied with my life because I am not. You are right about him vetoeing things but I also shouldn't give up so easily. I am not as confident as he is and it definitely shows when we have to make decisions about things.
Thanx for your input and I know I need to be more assertive and stop hiding my true feelings.
What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for that input. I kind of feel that way. I am wondering if it IS more of a ME issue then a WE issue. A lot of problems can really stem from how I feel about things and I am just blaming it on him being the problem. I am going to call a counselor today and find out when I can start my sessions.
Thanx so much cl-2nd!
Let us know how it goes!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanx cl. I guess I need to stop thinking in the mode of right or wrong or even who has the problem. It's more about communicating better and getting past the barrier so that both of us can be happy.
My counseling session is on the 15th. Do you think it's bad not to tell dh that I went until I discover whether there is a need for both of us to attend sessions? I just want to find out what the counselor recommends or suggests in bringing it up to dh.
You should know though, that it may be several sessions before a therapist will be able to determine if it would be best to proceed as a couple or individually. Know too that a therapist who works with both of you needs to be licensed/accredited to work with couples. Often you'll find therapists/counselors who are licensed for individual therapy only who offer couples counseling as a "service" to their clients. However, couples therapy is vastly different from individual therapy, and without the proper training the counselor very often does more damage rather than helping at all. If your therapist is licensed for individuals only s/he should refer you to a counselor with the appropriate training. If you aren't sure whether your therapist is licensed for couples or not, don't be afraid to ask. It's important and is a question no therapist should mind getting; if they do, it's a therapist to avoid seeing!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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