Questioning my relationship
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Questioning my relationship
| Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:29pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for alomst four years, and we had this great chemistry at the beginning of it, we were always laughing with each other and talking about everything we could discuss about each other and out relationship. Every weekend we go to the movies or shoot a game of pool, but that's it, at the beginning of our relationship we used to go for long drives and just sit and talk until the sunsets'. Now I just don't know. Well for a while now, I've been feeling like there is something missing from it. We are always arguing about the stupidest things, and he thinks that I'm "strange" because I get mad at him for all the little things. He also thinks I'm spoiled, why? I don't know. We argue every other day, and it's just getting annoying now, he tells me that I need to stop "switching"(he means that one day, I'm so nice to him and then the very next day, I'm so pissed off, I don't even want to look at his face.) I don't know why I do that. I'm been asking myself for a while now, if he is the "one", I've told him how I feel and he said to me that if I'm now asking myself that question, then there is something wrong. I have all things feelings bottled up inside of me, and I want to tell him what's going on, but I feel if I do, he'll just answer, "oh, we'll take care of it together." I have been supporting him for the last four years financially and I have mentioned to him over and over again that I need new work clothes, because most of the things I have are too small for me, he promised to take me shopping, but to be honest, I can't depend on him for that. I haven't depended on him at all since we started dating. He finally has a stable job and is doing well, but everytime I ask him for a few dollars, so I get something nice to wear to work, he already has his paycheque spent before he even gets the money. I have put him and his family ahead of my personal needs for four years, and now when I want to put myself first, it seems like, he always gets his way. I know he is the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but I keep asking myself, "why him?" I recently told him that I think it about time we start discussing our future together (buying a house, starting a family and putting money away for us), but his answer to me was that he has RESPONSIBILITIES at his house and that he can't discuss moving out right now because of that. I woke up this morning and just started to cry, I've been feeling this way for most of the New Year. He has been great to me, always spending time with me, calling me to check on me and everything like that (I never had that with my ex). I mentioned to him that I would love to start a family with him, but I want to make sure that we have roof over our head for the baby and that I'm at a stable position(my current position is a contract). I just feel like there is something missing from our relationship. I want this to work out for the both of us, but sometimes I just don't know anymore. He always askes me what's on my mind, but I give him a different answer, and just ignore what's really going. Please help me, so I don't have to question my relationship again.

dannysangel17,
If he was the one you wouldn't be asking youself "why him", if he was the one you wouldn't be going back and forth with your feelings, if he was the one you wouldn't after four years still not know.
If you were the one for him he wouldn't after four years not know either, if you were the one he wouldn't be saying that he had other responsibilities over you. In my opinion your BF isn't a man yet. He's still has alot of growing up to do. If he was a man he wouldn't have lived off of you for the last four years and if he was a man he wouldn't let a day go where you felt you couldn't depend on him.
You say that he's been great to you because he checks up on you and is always spending time with you, but you also said that you can't depend on him to go shopping with you. Besides that fact, no matter how many calls I got from my DH to check in, if he was living off me for four years that would so outweigh all the "sweet" things.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Welcome back, Dannysangel17 ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post in case it provided more information and insight into your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
How do I start a conversation in the car
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Dannysangel17,
Can I ask a couple of questions that, if answered, might help clarify your situation?
Dannysangel17,
Thank you for responding to my questions via e-mail.
To keep everyone aware, Dannysangel17 answered my question about their ages by email and told me she doesn't mind if those on the board know her answer.
Dannysangel is 23, her boyfriend is 42.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Dannysangel17, you may not see it, but Kimbirdy is right. A lot of what you're thinking is due to the simple fact that you haven't had the experience or the life experience to see things clearly, as they really are.
You say your boyfriend is the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, why? Because the first part of your relationship was good? Because he's better than the boyfriend you had when you were 18 was? I've got news for you, there are a zillion guys out there who would be better for you and better to you than this guy, and yes, they'd all be better than the first guy too. Just because this guy is better than the last doesn't mean he's "the one", it just means he's better. The fact that you aren't happy says while he's better, he's not right enough, not what you really want or need. Making a decision that he's "the one" then gritting your teeth and sticking it out when you're really not happy or satisfied doesn't make sense. As you grow, your wants and needs change, your taste changes and the guy who was right once is not longer right. It's a fact of life.
I urge you to reread your post and really think about it, does what you describe sound like someone who is the one you (or anyone for that matter) should be with for the rest of your life? This guy hasn't worked steadily, you've supported him. You have needs that go unmet and he seems not to be too concerned about what you want or need. He's working now, but even though you've supported him all this time he isn't able to give you any money any time you ask. Seems like while you made sure he was supported and had what he needed, now that he's working, he's only thinking of himself. It doesn't sound like he's grateful for what you did and he certainly isn't thinking about paying you back for all you've done. In other words, he's selfish, ungrateful and has poor ethics. Would you be able to spend on yourself without repaying or giving money to the person who had supported you for so long? Your conscience wouldn't let you, because you know it isn't right. He doesn't have that. Not a great trait. You say he says he can't think about moving and beginning a future with you because he has responsibilities to his family. I don't know what that means, but am assuming he's living in his parent's home. Surely you must know that if he's not ready to be self sufficient, self supporting and independent at this age he never will be. I hope you know his actions are that of a teenage boy, not a man and certainly not an adult. Now I ask you, would you think a person like this is someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with? Why do you deserve so little? Why don't you think you deserve someone who's your equal, who has the same principles, beliefs, and ethics as you do? Why don't you deserve someone who acts like an adult, wants a normal, healthy adult life, will treat you like the equal partner you should be, treat you with respect and care, treat you as you treat them? Why do you think you should give while the guy you're "meant to be with" gets to just take? Maybe he was right for you at 19, but you've grown up a lot since then. He was 38, he was all done growing and maturing, he's still right where he was, right where he'll stay. You've moved up, as you should have.
When you started out with him you were 19 and still growing, still maturing. You've still got a ways to go, science has proven the brain does not stop growing until the age of 25 at the earliest. At the age of 19 you were miles away from the person you'd been when you were 16, you grew a lot over those years. And the guy you were with when you were 16 I'm sure you thought was perfect for you. But, as you grew (matured and changed) he wasn't as perfect for you because you weren't the same person you'd been when you first got together. The same is true today. At 23 you aren't the kid you were at 19, you've grown and changed, your wants and needs are different, your thoughts and goals are different, and the guy who was perfect for you when you were that kid of 19 is no longer right for the person you've become, the person you've grown to be. What you describe is just how that feels, a dissatisfaction, without really being able to put a finger on what it is. Shoot, I'm 49 and I remember how it felt as a teenager to go from being head over heels about someone to just not really feeling good about them at all and not really knowing why, they hadn't changed, there was no big problem, I just wasn't satisfied or happy with them anymore, they were more an irritation than anything else. I know it's hard to realize that, but it's true. Take a look at this guy, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? When you met him you'd never had an adult relationship before, you were a kid; you had no adult experience (having not been one before), but you've had a few years to know what's what and as adult relationships go, he is not adult, he is not appropriate and he is not compatible with what you want. You want real, normal, healthy adult things, a life with a partner, a home together, shared responsibilities, equality, caring and working together. At the age of 42 he's not been steadily employed and has not been self sufficient or self supporting. At the age of 42 he says he can't start an adult life with you. Sweetie, if he can't do these things now, you have to realize he'll never be able to do these things. Regardless of what he says, it's not because of bad circumstances, it's because of lack of desire and motivation on his part. He doesn't have those things because they aren't important to him, he doesn't want them. His goals, his wants are not what an adults should be, and they certainly don't match yours. You said you just feel like there is something missing from your relationship; there is.
I know what you were looking for was a way to make everything right again between you. The thing is, he is who he is, he was all along. The kid you were at 19 was happy with that, the adult you've grown into wants adult things and isn't happy with those things anymore. You want more, you want a real, adult relationship with real adult goals. You've grown up, he already was. To have the kind of relationship you want, and the kind of relationship you need, you'll have to end this one so that you can put yourself in a position to meet the kind of person who wants the same things you do, who shares your goals and ethics and who is right for you. Sticking this one out because it was right before you grew up isn't going to make you happy, it'll keep you stuck where you are and it will keep you very unhappy; you'll continue to be last while he continues to be first, you'll not have what you want or what you need. No one should live like that. You deserve nothing less than exactly what you want and you shouldn't settle for anything less. It's not a crazy expectation, it's very realistic and it's the path to take to happiness and satisfaction with your life choices.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"