RE: "Am I wrong" - Just Want to Vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
RE: "Am I wrong" - Just Want to Vent
3
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:32am
I started the post about a week ago about me spending a few
thousand of "my husband's money" without telling him on family
necessities. We got through that, but I finally finally
can admit that he is a selfish man and I am never going to change
him. I am going to look into therapy for myself on how to deal
with it and maybe in the future I can get him to go as well. I am
just here to vent today. I take my son to school and husband to
catch the bus for work. My son has to be at school by 7:50 and they
will mark you late, even for one minute Anyway it has been a recurring
thing where I have to keep reiteritating to my husband that we need
to leave by a certain time. Of course he is never ready by this time
and my son starts getting mad and I don't blame him. Well this morning
it happened again. He was ready about 3-4 minutes after we should have
left and my son was complaining in the car. My husband's take on the
situation was that he is tired of being asked to sacrifice and no one
appreciates it. I said no one is asking you to sacrifice, that is what you
do as a husband and father. Getting him to school on time has nothing
to do with you sacrificing. He then said he is tired of working full time
for this company and was going to ask his boss if he could go freelance,
because they make more money, have to work less time (all reasons good
for him). Going freelance would mean losing benefits (I know he won't
actually do it, but he likes to say things like this). I have said to
him in the past that he is not really the marrying kind, he was better
off staying single and childless so he can do what he wants to do.
He does not like to hear this, but I really think it's true. I told
him that I am doing my part in working two part time jobs, I do all the
shopping, cooking and taking care of the kids. His response was "why don't
you get a better job then". I was pissed of at that, I can't work a full
time job because my son still needs supervision. One of the part time
jobs is at home and the other is 4 hours a day when the kids are in school.
So I do my part. If it comes down to him really going freelance and losing
benegits, I am out of here. Just wanted to vent on this because I really
do not have anyone that I could confide in. My family does not really like
him all that much and if I started confiding in them it would make matters
worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:35am

For those who aren't familiar with Riat2006's situation, her previous post can be found here:


Need to Know If I am Wrong








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:39am
Riat, I'm glad you came back. It sounds to me like your family is smart and I think what they think about your husband will be an asset to you down the road.


You're stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Your husband is treating your son with the same disrespect, indifference and passive anger that he treats you with. He's putting your son in a position to give up wanting to do the right thing -- like be on time for school. He's also learning to hate his father for wielding this control over him and getting him in trouble. Beyond abusive and controlling (which it is) your husband's actions are selfish, childish and completely against any kind of parenting there is. In my marriage, if this school/bus situation was happening (it wouldn't because my husband would be respectful of our daughter getting to school on time) I would tell him I was leaving at a specific time and that if he wasn't ready he'd have to wait for me to come back from dropping her off at school to take him to the bus. Yep, I'm sure that would mean missing his bus and getting to work late, but guess who's fault it is? That would be your husband who's at fault. In your situation, doing that would likely send your husband into an incredible tirade; the very thought that you'd make him wait, that you'd make him late, that you'd put him second would be way too much. Never mind the fact that you'd be taking control of the situation -- and that, he cannot have. So you're stuck, making your son see you as helpless and completely under the control of an abusive tyrant, or doing the right thing by your son and catching the wrath of your husband for it. Quite honestly, there isn't anything that excuses him doing that to your son; I don't believe I'd be able to allow him to do that to him.


I hope you take a bit to think about what you've said, in essence that you're staying for his work benefits. I've got to say, Riat, the negatives of living with a man like this far outweigh any benefits you could possibly be getting from his work. Job benefits are easily replaced, and without having to deal with an abuser too.


Do you realize your son is learning how to be a man by watching what your husband says and does? o you want him to live the kind of life you're living when he grows up? There's a lot more at stake than job benefits and you're sacrificing your health, your happiness and your self respect to stay there.


A counselor would be a very good idea for you, but it should be a counselor who works with domestic violence (DV). You can call your local women's shelter or hotline and they'll be able to refer you to a qualified DV counselor -- and the counseling will be free. I need you to know that couples counseling in situations like yours is not appropriate, completely counter-indicated, in fact. I'm wondering what you thought of the articles and information I linked in my last response to you. What did you think?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:25pm

you write: "My husband's take on the situation was that he is tired of being asked to sacrifice and no one appreciates it."

Hate to inform him, but being a parent means you sacrifice and that sacrifice might not be appreciated in the moment, but it must needs be done. Where he is wrong is that his selfishness is impacting his son's academic record in a negative way; so it would seem your husband feels that his son's academic record isn't nearly as important as him being able to lollygag until the last possible moment.

He could always call a cab to take him to the bus, since he doesn't want to sacrifice. In fact, I would give him a time to be ready. If he is not ready, leave him. Let him call a cab... or let him be late for work... but when it comes to his behavior being a detriment to his son, then you need to put your foot down.

I think that you should at least start the dialogue going with your family should you need their help in taking care of the one child who still needs supervision should you have to start working full time if he goes freelance and you're out of there. From what you've written, they've got good cause to dislike him--he's got a very dislikable way about himself.

Stay strong, Riat... it must seem frustrating trying to figure your way through this minefield... ((((hugs)))