Reaction To Going To A Bar

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Reaction To Going To A Bar
24
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 4:39pm

My best friend turned 21 last week and I had two friends visiting so it was quite the party week. My boyfriend lives about 2 hours away so only gets to visit me on the weekends, so I usually hang out with my friends during the week.

Last week I had my first visit to a bar in my town, and didn't think it was bad and actually had fun. They had free pool and my friends and I enjoyed playing. We ended up going three times last week to bars and I only drank 1-2 drinks each time.

Now when I told my boyfriend about this (we've been dating for a year and a half) he got really worried about me being in a bar. He got so worried he couldn't fall asleep that night. After talking about it for days I finally told him I would no longer go to a bar again unless he was there with me.

I am upset about this because my friends want to hang out tonight and play pool but I will have to let them know that I respect my boyfriend and won't be able to join them, which I'm sure they will be upset.

I'm just wondering, should I be upset? I even told my boyfriend I would go and have no drinks but he said he would still worry. I just feel like he doesn't trust me to be able to go out and have no drinks and to watch myself and have my friends there with me.

Am I being teenagerish thinking like this? or should I just respect his wishes and move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:47pm
that was his first visit to a bar, he's a very sedentary person who would rather do low key things and is not into alcohol and partying. he is 24 years old, soon to be 25. he just kept telling me that he doesn't want anything to happen to me and thinks if i go, it is inevitible that something will happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:49pm


Thanks for being so patient with me, Amunet3.


It would be understandable if he were quite affected by a friend being raped at a bar that he would be concerned about you (or anyone else he cares about) having the same experience. But, it sounds like that's not the whole story. It sounds like he also simply doesn't like bars, or that whole scene and that's figuring into his reaction too. (He's okay with you drinking at individual parties, just not bars and drinking, correct?) And it's not surprising that he got more upset by visiting the bar, whether it was busy or not, he doesn't like bars, it was a sure thing to just upset him more. The act of taking him in was one of trying to convince or appease him doesn't make sense. You're not a little girl trying to convince daddy that it's okay for you to go to the mall without a parent, you're an adult; he knows what bars are, you like 'em, he doesn't, end of story. Nobody said you had to have the same likes, dislikes and preferences, in fact, it's a sure thing that you won't, but that doesn't mean you try to mold yourself into something he'll like wsimultaneously trying to mold him into something you like. The deal is this, he doesn't complain about you going to bars and you won't drag him to them with you.


The thing is that no matter how he feels about what you choose to do, it's not his place to even ask you not to do it. Just like you have no business telling him what he can and can't do (or even should or shouldn't do), he has no business telling you either. You make your choices, he makes his, that's how it works. You're right to be upset, and you're upset because it's not his right, it's not his place, it's not appropriate or mature. It's not okay for you to promise not to drink, it's yours to do what you want and it's his to accept it. Would you even consider telling him what he can and can't do? It's not his to stop you if you want to take up bungee jumping, sky diving or bull riding as a hobby, you choose what you want to do, not him, it's your life, your likes and dislikes, your interests, your choice.


He's concerned that you'll wind up in jail or doing something you'll regret? In order to wind up in jail or do something you'd regret you'd have to choose to do something that you'd fully know was wrong, and that would be the choice you'd make -- your choice. Since you're grown up and capable of choosing for yourself, you're probably not too concerned about that, right? You shouldn't be. He's concerned you'll be raped? Sure, you can meet some seedy guys in bars, but I'm betting you have a pretty clear idea of which ones should be avoided, and you probably aren't going to be hanging out in bars alone. Besides, you can get raped walking in a supermarket parking lot, should you stop grocery shopping too? Wondering here, how many people do you know who have gotten arrested, raped because they were in a bar? How many have you read about? Doing something you regret can happen anywhere, and if you choose to allow alcohol to be an excuse for doing something you know is wrong, you don't need a bar to drink, so it really doesn't apply


It's not his place to be telling you what you can and can't do, you're not a child and he's not your parent. It's fine that he's voiced his concerns to you, but beyond that, he needs to keep it to himself. Tell him you've heard his concerns but you disagree, trust yourself, enjoy the environment and will be going, period.


The fact is what you've discovered is an area that you aren't the same in. He doesn't like the bar scene, you do. There will always be some differences in preferences from one to the other, this is just the first you've discovered. To bow down and stop doing something you like is wrong, you know that because your reaction was to be upset. It's both your jobs to decide if each other is right for each other based on likes, dislikes, compatibility. It's not either of your jobs to tell the other what they can or can't (or should and shouldn't) do.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:53pm

Hello,

I guess I can see both sides on this. I never went to bars before meeting my husband. He rides a motorcycle a lot and that's where they ride, from bar to bar. When we started dating, then we started always going riding and to the bars as a couple. At first I hated it. I thought it was a bad atmosphere with people sitting around drinking. I just wasn't raised that way. The more we went and I got to know his friends and the other people there, I realized how fun it could be to just hang out with friends there, usually just chatting. Now I have a blast going. I would be really upset if my then fiance, now husband went alone. I am there with him a lot and I do see that it's all very innocent, when we're together. I also know for a fact that if he were not with me then men would be hitting on me, and the women would definitely be hitting on him. While I trust him, and I know I wouldn't cheat, but I don't feel that either of us needs to be in that position, where people are drinking, and flirting with either he or I. My best friend and her late husband had an agreement not to go to a bar without the other just for the reason that it's a good place for rumors to get started, especially when you live in a small town. I think I would try taking him with you a few more times if he's willing and hopefully he'll be able to let his guard down a little and enjoy himself, like I did. Some of my perceptions about bars I found were not true to life, and others I found were. I think if my hubby wanted to go with just the guys to play pool and chat in the mid day it would be fine. In the evening, I would tell him he could forget it. :-) The atmosphere seems to change a bit in the evening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:21pm
I don't think it's about understanding why either of them feels the way they do, I think it's pretty apparent what the different POVs are about. The issue at hand, I think, is that regardless of his personal feelings, he doesn't have the right to try and persuade her of his feelings in any way. His preference is to stay out of bars, fine, he can stay out of bars; but that's not her preference, and she chooses what she wants, not him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:39pm
Yes, it's true that he doesn't have the right to "tell" her what to do. A good relationship is about compromise though. I wouldn't find it a healthy relationship for either of them to say I am doing what I want, when I want, and I really don't care how you feel about it. That is why I suggested she ask him to come along more times, get to know her friends there, hang out and find out the bar atmosphere can be innocent and just a fun place to hang out and play poo. By doing that maybe she can alleviate some of his concerns.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:09pm
thank you all for your wonderful replies. this weekend i am going to talk to my boyfriend again about it and bring up points you guys made and maybe after having a week to think about things he'll think differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:19pm
I don't know that I agree. I don't think there's any need to compromise on an issue that doesn't affect him. It would be different if she wanted/needed him to go with her, but she doesn't. She assumedly doesn't go when he's around, which shows respect for his preference; what she does on her own time doesn't affect him and isn't his concern. Compromise is for areas that affect both of you, other than bugging him becuase HE doesn't like bars, this one doesn't affect him. Letting him know he's free to join her anytime is good, but as far as having him come along? Not if he doesn't like bars. My ex was a pool player, spent a lot of time in bars. I used to go with him just to be with him, but I hated it there. Finally, I just quit torturing myself and stopped going. If the OP's bf doesn't like the scene, I doubt dragging him there will change that. Some people enjoy it, others don't. Peference is an individual thing, whatever the issue is; foisting my preference on you isn't acceptable. I may not like Italian restaurants, but I'm not going to ask you not to go there, or even to not go there so often. I would hope you'd understand my dislike and not choose those restaurants when we're eating together, but if you really like them and want to go with me on occasion, in my mind, that's when compromise is appropriate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:42pm

I'm glad our thoughts helped you, but I'm thinking all we really did was affirm what you already knew, right?


Let us know how your talk goes.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:55pm
yes you all did, but it was nice to read it, makes me realize that i wasn't wrong thinking the way i was and need to talk to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:10pm

Not to jump in on the little debate that lurkerdelux (great name by the way) and ldack are having, but something in what you two were saying caught my eye. While I agree with both of you on certain points I have to say something about one of lurkerdelux's comments.

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Doesn't it kind of automatically affect him though?? I mean, it affects his feelings, it affects his views, it would affect him if something were to happen to the OP. I think that everything, even what we do in our alone time "affects" our partners in some sort of way. Maybe it's just not very apparent all the time.

I think that because of this, compromise is the best solution in this case. But not a compromise of the OP never going without the BF or anything like that where she gives all and get's nothing. Maybe she should suggest her going out with her friends like say twice a week instead of however many times she wants. To me, that's working at the problem, not just taking the stance of "it's my life and I can do what I want".

Just my two cents,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal