Reaction To Going To A Bar
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| Sun, 07-09-2006 - 4:39pm |
My best friend turned 21 last week and I had two friends visiting so it was quite the party week. My boyfriend lives about 2 hours away so only gets to visit me on the weekends, so I usually hang out with my friends during the week.
Last week I had my first visit to a bar in my town, and didn't think it was bad and actually had fun. They had free pool and my friends and I enjoyed playing. We ended up going three times last week to bars and I only drank 1-2 drinks each time.
Now when I told my boyfriend about this (we've been dating for a year and a half) he got really worried about me being in a bar. He got so worried he couldn't fall asleep that night. After talking about it for days I finally told him I would no longer go to a bar again unless he was there with me.
I am upset about this because my friends want to hang out tonight and play pool but I will have to let them know that I respect my boyfriend and won't be able to join them, which I'm sure they will be upset.
I'm just wondering, should I be upset? I even told my boyfriend I would go and have no drinks but he said he would still worry. I just feel like he doesn't trust me to be able to go out and have no drinks and to watch myself and have my friends there with me.
Am I being teenagerish thinking like this? or should I just respect his wishes and move on?

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<> But it’s not her problem, it’s HIS. And she’s doing what she enjoys while he’s at his home, in another town. Since when is it okay to placate someone else’s issue by playing into it?
<> Lots of things affect us that aren’t ours to mandate or control. An extreme example would be a partner’s addiction. Affected huge but not ours to fix or change. We have the choice to stay, accepting the choices of our partners or leave because we cannot accept those changes. Personal preference and choice are no different. Relationships are about each of us being right as we are; if we find differences we decide if those differences are important enough to make a difference to us or not. Preferences show a part of our personality and character, if we don’t like the choices and preferences of our partners, that’s a part of their character we don’t like.
<<...it would affect him if something were to happen to the OP. >> If he’s afraid of flying should she not fly? After all, it would certainly affect him if her plane went down. I’ll say it again, this is not her issue, it’s HIS.
How does her going somewhere that he’s not going to affect him??? If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem, and it’s his to deal with. What happens if he decides he doesn’t like some of her friends, should she back off seeing them too because it “upsets” him that she’s with these people? I stand by what I said in my post, “I may not like Italian restaurants, but I'm not going to ask you not to go there, or even to not go there so often. I would hope you'd understand my dislike and not choose those restaurants when we're eating together, but if you really like them and want to go with me on occasion, in my mind, that's when compromise is appropriate.” Do you think I should limit the amount of times I go to Italian restaurants with my friends because my partner doesn’t like them? After all, he saw The Godfather and he’s afraid I’ll get caught in the middle of a mob killing. Does his being concerned and upset mean I should change what I want and like to do?
Compromise is for situations that involve them both, since she’s not involving him in her bar visits, it doesn’t apply. Accepting her means accepting what she likes in her life. From what I’ve read from you elsewhere on the board, I’m surprised you’d advocate she modify her life because her boyfriend doesn’t like what she’s doing.
Thanks for your compliments on my name, I thought it was fitting since lurking is generally what I do. I like your name too.
Edited 7/14/2006 7:26 pm ET by lurkerdelux
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I disagree. In any situation each of us is responsible for our own choices and our own decisions. In the Italian restaurant example, if I am choosing restaurants in bad neighborhoods, either I like those particular restaurants enough to take the risk, or these are the kinds of neighborhoods I like and am comfortable in. If it’s worth the risk to me, it’s my decision made for my life. If I prefer these kinds of neighborhoods, I’d say my SO and I have very different tastes and ideas about what is appropriate and what is not, which would indicate some significant differences between us, and that is a compatibility issue. I’m wondering why you didn’t use the airplane example. Is it because you think if his concern was based on what you consider unwarranted fear the situation would be different? Do you think her pointing out crash statistics would help?
In the OP’s particular situation, she’s stated that her boyfriend doesn’t like bars in general and is a sedentary person. I expect his fears of rape and “doing something she’ll regret” are “reasons” he gives when the real reason is he just plain doesn’t like bars. I don’t see the benefit of her pointing out kidnap and rape probabilities, I don’t think he’s stupid, these aren’t things he’s unaware of. He also doesn’t want her to go to bars because he’s afraid she’ll “do something she’ll regret”. The statement reveals the trust and faith he has in her own judgment. I don’t know about you, but that, to me, is a problem. If I were the OP I would be offended.
I am also in a relationship to share my life with another person. When I make choices for myself that my SO doesn’t agree with, including going into areas late at night by myself, he lets his concerns be known, but says he knows I can take care of myself and lets it go.
I don’t think it would be appropriate for her to tell her bf she'll do whatever she wants on her own regardless of his opinions or feelings or that he should take a flying leap. I do think it would be appropriate for her to tell him she appreciates his concerns but will make her own decisions. She’s a big girl, an adult, it’s appropriate for her to make her own choices as she sees fit. I see no reason to question her competence to make good choices for herself. She's the judge of what's okay, no one else. He’s her bf, not her father. She doesn’t need his guidance, she needs him to respect her choices.
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