Read "Relationship Saver" by Samardzic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Read "Relationship Saver" by Samardzic?
21
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 3:16am
There is an online book that I found at www.fix-my-marriage.com by Radomir Samardzic called The Relationship Saver. Has anyone read this book? What's this guy's take on saving a marriage- it sounds like he probably has a different approach then normal marriage counseling books, but the ebook itself costs $30, so if it's a crock, then I don't want to have wasted my money.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:56pm
I haven't read it and don't know anyone who has. What kind of problems are you having, Eurowife35?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 9:45am
We're not having any huge or serious problems. But, I'm just feeling frustrated with my dear husband. It feels like we're in a rut and we've only been married for eight months. It's like we just don't understand each other anymore. Before we were married, my husband would take me to places he thought I'd like to see, he'd buy me flowers, take me to a nice restaurant occassionaly. But now, it's like he's forgotten how to do all of that. And I can't figure out why. It makes me feel like yesterday's meatloaf when my husband won't even go have a coffee with me at the coffee shop, mostly because he's become a huge homebody and couch potato. I really have tried hinting and even speaking with him directly about how I need little bits of romance and thoughtfulness and he acts like I'm demanding he buy me Tiffany Diamonds every month.
Even though I'm out of work right now and can't contribute to our income, I work very hard at home so that he can relax when he gets home from work. I stay in bed with him all day Saturday because he likes to stay in bed, but then, when it comes to doing something that I want to do, there's always an excuse. At this point, franky, I'm withholding the sex, because if I'm going to be treated like old news, then that's exactly what he's going to get in the bedroom, dang it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:27pm

Don't make each other out to be the enemy---withholding sex to get what you want is the totally wrong way to address your problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 3:05am
I agree that withholding sex is bad business. I will say that I don't consider not having sex because you're unhappy and not wanting sex as "withholding". I consider withholding to be when you're refusing to have sex simply to get him back, teach him a lesson, make him pay, etc. Paybacks of any kind aren't helpful in a relationship and aren't at all adult.


But, I do understand your problem and have some suggestions. Before I offer them I have a few questions, if you don't mind....


  • How long were you two together before you married?
  • You say you can't figure out why these things that used to be a part of your relationship aren't done anymore, have you asked him why?
  • You said you've hinted and told him directly that you needed bits of romance; if it's not asking too much, what specifically did you say? It may sound just nosy, but your actual words (or as close as you can come) may make a big difference in the outcome. When you talked to him, what did he say?

    Thanks in advance, I'll be checking back for your answers!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-07-2006
    Fri, 09-08-2006 - 3:55am

    I agree with a lot of the replies that everyone has posted and want to say thanks for the replies.

    Just to clarify one thing: I am not unemployed because I sit at home watching soap operas. I am waiting for my work documents to come through, I'm an American living in Europe so I have to wait for a work permit and just do little jobs on the side like tuttoring in English. It has made our budget a little tighter but we're not going into debt by any means.

    The thing with sex- I just don't feel like it. I honestly haven't felt turned on for at least a few weeks. I'm just not feeling it, you know? I do so much when it comes to housework, cooking, and paying the bills, etc., and I feel like it really goes unappreciated.

    As far as what I've told my husband about romance: I tell him that I always thought it was sweet when he'd do little romantic things- leave sweet notes, flowers, chocolates, or take me for a walk on the beach. I told him I miss those things, but usually when I'm communicating this, I can tell his eyes are glazed over and he's a thousand miles away. I've also asked him if we couldn't make just one night out a week a special date night, either to go out to eat or go listen to music in the park, or whatever. And he says, okay. But, then when Saturday night rolls around (because monday-friday nights are just for watching t.v. and sunday is always at the in-laws) he stays in bed the entire day until it's just about evening and then says he needs to fix something around the house, which he doesn't, and then viola, we do nothing. I have decided on Saturday nights, I am going to make a plan to get out of the house for the evening, invite him, and if he doesn't come, then I'll invite a friend to go with me. I am not a couch potato and I need some kind of cultural stimulation besides Lost and the Discovery Channel. I really love my husband. He is very sweet and affectionate and tells me he loves me and compliments me all of the time. He is a hard worker and I know he puts with a lot of my stuff too. I know I can't make him change. I just wish I could at least get him to admit that he used to be more romantic, but he acts like he's been a caveman his whole life and doesn't know what flowers are-- which was totally not the case two and a half years ago when we started dating.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 09-08-2006 - 4:13am
    It doesn't sound like you're withholding sex as punishment, it sounds like you don't feel like being sexual with him. To me, that's completely acceptable and understandable. I understand the work issue, and I understand being at home, doing all the housework things, and your need for human companionship at the end of the day.


    I hate to be a pest, but I do hope you'll be able to answer the questions I had, it will help in understanding and knowing what direction to go. And, with your response, I have a few more questions. Greeeat, right? : )


    You're an American in Europe; is your husband European? Was he in the U.S., then you two moved to Europe after your wedding? Do you get out much on your own? I know you mentioned friends, you have friends that you can do things with, yes?


    A side note - I notice you responded to Rupert_giles (Rupert, Can I ask you what's the same advice you'd give...); it sounds like your husband is doing more than just changing how he is in your relationship, it sounds like he's changing his lifestyle as well, and not for the better. I don't blame you for being concerned on all fronts, I think you have good reason for concern.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 09-08-2006 - 4:21am
    Let me reword a little bit. I am understanding from your last response what specifically you said to your husband, and I gather that he didn't have a response. In other words, you told him what you missed, what you wished he'd do, rather than there being an actual dialogue between the two of you. Questions asked of him went unanswered or weren't asked? The glazed over look is accepted by you without request for feedback?


    After I finished my last post to you, I realized that I'd made it appear that you hadn't answered any of my questions when in fact, you did. Sorry about that!


    Time difference - must go to bed now, work will have me up in 4.5 hours - MUST SLEEP!


    I'll be back tomorrow night ~








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-07-2006
    Sat, 09-09-2006 - 4:48am

    I realize that some of my messages have turned into ranting and raving about small things. Complaining about my DH isn't going to make him change. There are some things in our relationship that I wish we could change, but I feel like I've already tried and it hasn't worked.

    When I talk to my husband, either he won't answer back, even when I encourage him to talk, or he will say something to the effect of, "I am a very simple guy, and I always have been and always will be so don't expect me to change." I'm not asking the guy to take me to see Cats everytime it's in town and go to some 5 star restaurant, I just want us to share some of the same activities we used to before we got married. And I want to feel that he is still thoughtful as to what I like to do and the activities that I want to be a part of. So, I have concluded two things:

    1. I need to do a few more activities on my own, without my husband.
    2. I am going to plan a date night once a week and invite him to go with me. If he doesn't, I'm going to call up one of my friends and we'll go out instead.

    Just to answer some of your questions: my husband and I met almost 3 years ago while I was in Europe working with a religious organization. We were friends at first and then we started dating. We had a long distance relationship after we started dating, which of course complicated things. We were married last December. I am living in the city where he is from, which is really far from my family, but I do have a lot of friends here, thank goodness.

    Also, just a side note, my husband hasn't gained tons of weight but he's starting to get "comfortable" and eating more than he used to and not exercising. He already has health problems with his joints and really, he needs to keep up his health, but it's hard for me to bring that up without sounding like a nag.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-27-2004
    Sat, 09-09-2006 - 8:31am
    Is he quite a bit older than you are?
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 09-11-2006 - 2:44am
    No, no, no! I don't think you sound like you're ranting and raving or that you're complaining about small things at all, quite the opposite. I think the problems and concerns you have are very reasonable, understandable and quite serious. Gee, let's see, how important is being happy in your marriage....? I don't know about you, but when you're talking about living that way the rest of your life, there isn't much that ranks higher for me. I just needed some info before I knew what you'd tried, what the result was, etc. before knowing what to suggest.


    One thing that could make a big difference to this is if he's under a lot of stress at work or otherwise. If he is, his "couch potato" could be his way of dealing with the stress. Obviously, it's his job to tell you that he's stressed or needs down time, but if you know he's under a lot of pressure, it could well be the cause. If it is the cause and has been going on for a prolonged period, it's time for him to deal with it in a different, healthier way; but that's not something you can mandate. I'm going to continue with the assumption that it's not a reaction to stress.


    Here's what I'm concerned the issue is:
    In the beginning of a relationship it's normal to put your best foot forward, be a little different than you actually are, a little nicer, a little more active, more interested in doing things that aren't what you'd really be doing if left on your own without anyone to "impress" or "entertain". Men are more prone to being less of who they are than women, the thrill of the hunt and all. Once the hunt is over, they settle back to what's normal for them and it's then that their women are on the board saying, "What happened? All of a sudden my guy doesn't want to do any of the things he used do. I'm not at all happy anymore!" It usually happens around the 9 to 12 month time frame. Since you dated some then were long distance, it's very possible that you had no idea that this wasn't who your husband-to-be really was. Whether that's the case or not, it's true that you've talked to him about it and have gotten nowhere. He says "this is who I am", well great, but what does that mean? I mean, does that translate into "I was wooing you before, now that we're married I can be who I really am and you have to deal with the fact that the person you thought you married was a lie."?


    I asked questions about your friends and getting out on your own because sometimes people expect their partner to be their lifeline to the world; they expect them to "entertain" them in effect. If you were sitting home all day expecting him to be your everything, then I'd say you need to get out on your own and create your own life. Obviously, he needs to be a part of your life too, but he shouldn't and can't be all of it; it's not his job and it's not healthy. But, from what you've said, that's not the case.


    I hear what you're saying about not expecting to be entertained in a grand manner; getting out and doing things together is important in a relationship; it keeps it fresh, keeps interest up, keeps the bond strong. When they say marriage is work, this is the kind of thing they're talking about; you have to actively work to keep your relationship strong, active and healthy so that it doesn't fade into the background and eventually disappear completely. You don't have to spend money to keep things going, a walk in the park, through an art gallery, a picnic, there are lots of no-cost and low-cost things that you can and should be doing. And you're right, falling into a routine of sitting at home doing nothing is a rut, and the more the rut is allowed to continue, the harder it is to get out of, the more damage is done to your relationship and the less interested you are in each other. I'll say again that it's also important to get out without each other too, that does a lot to keep the relationship healthy as well.


    I have to tell you that I've been in a relationship that was similar to yours. My boyfriend was great, we did things constantly, usually at his suggestion. At about the year mark it changed. He didn't want to do things anymore, the relationship I'd known pretty much disappeared. Where we used to spend evenings talking and/or doing things, he now only came home from work, plopped down in front of the TV until bedtime, then off to bed. Communication was very minimal, activity was pretty much gone too. I told him I was concerned about this change and worried that the great relationship we had was being damaged. I told him I wasn't happy this way. I told him that while this might be enough for him, it wasn't enough for me. Eventually, I ended the relationship because it became clear that this was indeed who he really was and that wasn't the way I wanted to spend my life.


    It sounds like what I'm hearing is that you've (perhaps quietly) indicated to him that you'd like more activity and attention and he's basically avoided responding as much as possible. I think it's important for you to address this with him in a serious manner. I think it's time for you to let him know this is a serious problem and it needs to be addressed openly and honestly between you - - that means he needs to respond, not just listen. If you're not satisfied with living like this, I think you need to tell him so. I think he needs to hear how important this is and how unhappy and dissatisfied you are and he also needs to hear that this is affecting how you feel about the relationship, and it's affecting your desire for him as well. I'll be the first to tell you that if you're not satisfied with what's happening in your relationship, your sexual desire is pretty much gone - at least mine is. I don't think your situation is petty or small, Eurowife, I think this is very important.


    A good way to lead into a talk like this is to tell him that you've got a problem you need his help with. Men are "fixers" and this will open him up to listening and put him in "problem solving mode". Ask him to set a time when it's convenient for him to talk, that way you know you're not "jumping him", and that he's ready for a discussion. It's important to voice your concerns by using "I" instead of "you" to describe the situation (e.g., "I feel lonely when you're not around" instead of "You don't care about me because you're always gone."). Give him time to respond, even if it takes a while. If he doesn't respond, I wouldn't be at all above saying something like, "Come on, I need some feedback here, this needs to be a discussion, not a one-way conversation." There are some great articles on the board's Information and Resources section on constructive communication that might be helpful:

    Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
    Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

    Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
    Conflicts - Points to Remember

    Another article that would be good to read:


    Making Your Marriage an Adventure

    If you have problems resolving this issue on your own, I would strongly urge you to see a counselor accredited in couples counseling together, and if he won't go, go on your own. Taking this issue seriously and dealing with it now is the right thing to do.


    Let me know how it goes.










    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages