Really trying to be strong
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| Fri, 08-11-2006 - 7:57pm |
Hello,
I am new to the boards. But I used to be on the domestic abuse boards a few years ago, if any of you were regulars there like me then you may remember me. Well, finally, my life is positive, I have a 1 1/2 year old son, and I am a single mom. I have usually had the worst luck with men, but recently since I've been working on myself and my self-esteem has improved, nice men have been coming around.
I have since gotten involved with a wonderful man, who I just adore and he adores me, but the problem is he is going through a divorce. Since we met, he confessed how unhappy he has been for a long time in his marriage of 1 1/2 years and he began the paperwork last week to get a divorce from her. I didn't want to be involved with him when he first told me he was married, but when he told me he was getting divorced, everything changed. I guess I got too excited because now that I'm all wrapped up in a relationship with him, he is having trouble getting her to sign the paperwork.
I feel really frustrated and don't know what to do with him now. I don't know how I should be around him or if I should just avoid him until he gets everything organized with her. I really don't want a lot of stress and drama in my life. I've had plenty in the past and I am not about that anymore.
I am trying to be strong, but I really want to be there for him as a supportive girlfriend should be, but I feel like its too much too soon. I've never had to deal with marriage/divorce issues before while trying to develop a relationship. He feels like the one for me, too, but I don't want a romance built on drama. Any advice would be appreciated. Have a great weekend too.
Thanks!

Everything I've heard from people going through divorce is to not get involved, especially seriously, for at least a year after the divorce.
So, my advice, walk away while he gets this figured out and when all the dust is settled and he's had some time, and maybe some therapy, he can give you a call.
Jen
BTDT.
You have to realize that he is not now who is he gonna eventually be. Therefore you are building a relashionship with someone that is going to change for sure...so the big risk here is you don't like who he changes into (or really who he really is cause that is what he will go back to once he is through the emotional trauma of the divorce).
You best bet is to back off and look elsewhere. If you are insistent that you want to maintain contact then I would say you should agree to keep it as a pure dating relationship for at least 1 year. Don't move in together, don't spend every waking moment together, don't get involved financially, and see where you are after a year.
It is high risk. My post separation relationship failed exactly for this reason....I realize now I needed more time to heal myself alone, more than I needed a serious girlfriend....she most likely was slowing down my progress. For me it was like 3 years to get back on track, but I had three kids and a BPD X and 7 years of marriage. He is only 1 1/2 yrs into this and if the X is even close to reasonable, presumably 1 year should mitigate most of the risk.
Best of luck, P.
His life is in a state of transition and upheaval.
I agree that seeing someone who is in the process of a divorce, or who has recently been through a divorce is not at all advisable. Not only for the reasons that Orangecuse and Firstamendment cited, but others as well. It's not at all uncommon for people on the verge of divorce to decide to give their marriage another try, even when there was no doubt the divorce was going to happen, even if it was to be final the next day. Getting involved with someone who is not entirely through their last relationship is not advisable, ever. What someone who's coming out of a marriage is looking for in a relationship is vastly different than what they'll be looking for once they've had some time to be out of the relationship for a while. The whole "rebound" phenomenon is there because of this. If you're right for him when he's first out, you're not going to be right once he's been out for a while. It's better to give him some time, then consider seeing him. When you left your abusive situation, you needed some time to find yourself, find out who you were now, outside the relationship, on your own. You weren't the same person you'd been before you got into that relationship, you needed time to yourself to find out who you'd become, what you wanted, where you fit, all of that. He needs the same; we all need that coming out of any relationship. He needs time with himself before he's ready to be with anyone, even if he says different. You can't make good choices for yourself in a new relationship if you haven't taken the time to get to know who you are and what you want before entering it!
I'd suggest telling him you'd be interested in hearing from him after he's been officially divorced for six months or so, but that until that time you're going to respect his need to focus on his divorce and on himself after that divorce. You don't need to complicate your life with a hurtful experience.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"