Is this really worth it?
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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:24am |
Hello,
I have been married for a little less than 3 years (second marriage for both of us), and last August, we (mostly I) decided that he would move back to his previous house in the town where he works. Until then, he had been commuting every day (about a 45 minute drive) So now we are married but living separately, and I'm just still not convinced that it's going to work long-term.
The major differences that we just couldn't work out had to do with different parenting and discipline styles, and the disciplining of my children (who were 16, 14 and 5 when we married). His children (who were 12 and 9 when we married) live with their mother. Not long after we married, DH started spending 95% of his time in our bedroom with the door closed, and came up with a rule that my children are not to enter the bedroom; however, his children could, because they don't live with us, and there were a lot of rules such as those that differed between his and my chilren, all because his "didn't live with us." The first time I realized we might have REAL problems is when he told me "I've alredy done the kindergarten thing, and really don't want to do it again!" Wow, that was like a slap in the face. Time and time again, he wanted to either discipline my children or tell me how; however, he wasn't interested in getting involved in their lives nor in helping out with dropping them off or picking them up anywhere, and just wasn't involved with them on a personal level much at all. I just couldn't convince him that he HAD to establish a relationship with them before they would respect his discipline. Prior to our getting married, he did help out with the kids a LOT, and even told me how much he liked them.
Anyway, along the way, he would just make hurtful comments. For example, my oldest son has long hair and earrings. We might be out eating, and we would see a kid we didn't know who also had long hair and earrings, and DH would say, "That kid is a thug. That's because he didn't have proper upbringing." HELLO!! MY son has long hair and earrings also, so therefore that means I didn't bring him up properly?? (mind you, this is a kid who graduated highschool at age 16 with a 4.8 GPA, and was a national merit scholar, and NEVER got into any trouble!!)
Further, DH is a teacher, and had always worked in the summers; however, after getting married, he decided he was never going to work in the summer again, and even when we were struggling to get all the bills, child support, etc., paid, he insisted on buying a trailer at the lake, going on vacations either by himself or with just his son, and I have a lot of resentment because of that. I was working my butt off while he was out playing.
SO, after 2 1/2 years of that, I just couldn't live like that any longer. The people renting his previous house moved out, and I told him he needed to move back, and that we would give living apart a try--I just wanted to give us every opportunity if there is any chance at all that we can make it work. Once you start having problems in a second marriage, you just don't want to be a "two-time quitter," ya' know? We sold our house (we had already moved twice in the 2 years we had been married, so this would be move #3--yuck!)
That brings us to today. I guess I feel like the living apart is really just disguising the real problems, and nothing has actually been solved. DH is EXTREMELY insecure in this situation, accusing me of wanting other people, etc. (and that has NEVER entered my mind--that's just not who I am) If I go out to eat or something with friends, he may call 20-30 times--it drives me CRAZY! I've turned my phone off sometimes.
When I look at it in black and white, it's pretty obvious: what benefit is there to staying married but living apart? I would be better off financially not married, I have detached myself emotionally--not intentionally, but more as an involuntary self-protection thing, I think; and the sex is very lacking. So why do I have such a hard time just cutting the ties and moving on?
Thanks for letting me vent.

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So he's done the old "get married and change personalities thing" huh? Bummer.
I've just got one question for you in the hope that it makes your stay/go decision easier. What would your kids like you to do? And moreover, what would be BEST for them? In short, I'm concerned about the poor role modelling that is going on here.
Well, the kids are the biggest reason we're living separately. When DH is here now, they are OK with it, and they're also OK when he's not. I don't think it would matter to them either way at this point; however, I obviously don't want to present another dysfunctional family example either. Is giving up and having a second failed marriage worse than living rather dysfunctionally? I don't know.
If the choice is between rolemodelling dysfuntion or divorce, I'd be suggesting divorce. I think it's better to teach the kids that they can leave a bad situation than to just stay put and be miserable.
I suspect that you're looking at only the negative consequences of leaving him - but there are positives too.
Yes, I know . . . it just feels SO incredibly lousy to think about having made another bad choice in something as important as marriage. I feel like I'm a good mother, successful on my job, have lots of good friends. Don't know why I struggle with the man/woman relationships, though.
Thanks for your responses.
I read that you're from Australia--the internet is pretty incredible, isn't it? :)
Okay, how long did you date prior to marriage? I'm just trying to figure out if he put on an act for a significant period of time that you had no reason to question - or if you in the heat of infatuation got married and made commitments that once infatuation wore off - there was little compatibility in terms of values and priorities and standards and goals.
But either way.....you two living apart until YOUR children are completely grown and out of the house is one solution. parenting styles and money with sex following a distant 3rd are the top 3 topics that cause friction and unrest in any cohabitational relationship.
But bsically, we all do what we do because we want to do it. Our values, priorities and standard sjustify and entitle us to our actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values at all times and situations determine our charcter, conscience, integrity and honor.
So situations don't cause us to do what we do - we seek out situations that'll allow us to do what we believe is right and our right - in light of our goals.
I could project alot into possibly why he wanted to marry - did it quickly...and then adopted the stance. But that's not really fair to him or you - to put intentions and motivations behind his actions of a financial or external nature.
But he doesn't want to parent your children...and he doesn't want your obligations to your children standing in the way of his lifestyle, pursuits, and goals. That's very evident.
So living apart is one solution - that wuld allow you to two meet up when the situation allows you to have a sitter - and maintain an affair like atmosphere - provided that you both can be trusted to pay the mutual bills, and not incur joint debt.
That might not suit your needs an dpurposes of getting married - it wouldn't most people's. But what's evident is that he doesn't desire much interaction WITH YOU....he's saying that he doesn't want to parent the cildren, but in reality that's an excuse. Because there are ways that he culd live there, commute, not parent really (it'd be hard on you - you'd likely develop resentments over time), and still involve with you.
So it reall odesn't sound like interaction and involvement with you is a priority to him. That it was more a priority to get joint funds, credit and options - so that he could cease to work in the summers, and have a house at the lake whre he parents his son.
So it sounds like in the heat of infatuation you made alot of assumptions...that because he had kids he knew how and wanted to parent and was willing to do it without resentment or regret. And that he would share the burden of parenting with you - so that you wouldn't be a single parent and you'd have a partner, an dhe'd have a partner as well.
But that's very obviously not what he had in mind, that doesn't meet his needs, or suit his purposes. What people pursue - it's what they want.
What he's not doing is pursuing a divorce....so something about the marriage as a legal or social status appeals.....but what he won't tolerate is contact with you, or involvement with your children...which tells me that marriage as a legality in terms of options financially was his real intended purpose.
Or, it could be a "pay back"......he's apparently very emotionally driven and 'entitled". So perhaps in the beginning, as would be normal, you adored his every word, and hung on his every move, and thought he could do no wrong - and so he got with you because of how that level of unconditional approval and blind faith adherance met his emotional needs. As real life and obligations emerged, you had less time for him overall, and you were less approving of waht he was doing specifically - and so what he married for emotionally doesn't exist...so he's withdrawing physically and financially out of spite.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wow, talk about feedback . . . thank you for taking so much time!
There are several points that are definitely valid. First, we only dated 5 months prior to getting married, and in retrospect, that wasn't enough time to really get to know him well enough; although, I truly don't think you can know someone until you live with them and all of the day-to-day tasks and challenges arise. That being said, I definitely should have dated him longer. At the time, my ex-husband was still threatening me and very verbally abusive to me and my chilren, and DH can be very "convincing." The ex hasn't bothered me since, and perhaps that unduly influenced our rush.
I definitely take full responsibility for having made my own choices, and don't blame any situation or anyone other than myself, and truly do rely only on myself for my happiness.
Regarding the finances, I may be naive, but I don't think he went into it thinking that I was going to be his "free ride," however, it did become easier for him once we were married. We don't have any joint debt, thankfully. I do, however, contribute about $450 per month toward his bills that he says he just can't pay on his own.
He thinks that interaction with HIM isn't enough of a priority for ME. I have become emotionally distant. And, he hasn't withdrawn physically; I just have a hard time enjoying it.
Bottom line: After we lived together for a while, we realized our priorities, goals and even likes and dislikes were vastly different. Bummer.
Thanks Erin,
Dawn
You're absolutely right . . . I'm not acting the way I feel and believe. I will keep you posted--thanks again!
Smalltown, I think you got really great responses that I think are dead on. I think it's completely lousy that he changed how he was when you married, but I've also got to say that at the six month mark you know much less about him than you should in order to make a marriage decision. Considering that somewhere between the eight and twelve month stage is when you begin to see the real person you've been dating, his change isn't surprising -- certainly it was to you, as it is to all those who, at that stage say, "What's going on???? Where's the guy I've been dating all this time?" (Answer: He never really existed, he was keeping you interested and looking good until he got comfortable and felt the relationship was secure). It seems like beyond the kid issue, which will never really go away since as long as you both live you'll both have kids -- even if they are adults -- and he'll continue to treat his different than yours -- there are other issues that are less than attractive. The fact that he expects you to pay his expenses, the fact that he feels entitled to take a vacation when money is an issue. Those aren't kid issues, they're statements about how he believes things should go, what he's entitled to and what he feels his responsibility level is.
I completely understand your concerns about what you'll be teaching your kids if you end this marriage, and I agree. But the other thing is the positive things you'll be teaching them, that you shouldn't stay in a relationship that's wrong, that everybody makes mistakes and that individual happiness is very important. I have to wonder too what message your kids are getting with him living somewhere else. Also, they're certainly aware that he treats his kids differently than he does them and whether they show it or not, they have to resent that, it's got to hurt. To have their mom stay married to a guy who treats them as second class citizens has got to hurt, it makes a statement about how much they matter to you, doesn't it? And let's say you stay married until the kids are grown and gone, aren't you going to hold some resentment toward him over the way he acted and treated the kids? Over his expectations of you paying his bills? Over taking vacations when money was a problem? By then, they'll likely be a lot more issues as well. It just seems to me that you've outlined quite a few very serious, very fatal problems that living apart isn't going to fix, only put under the surface.
In the situation you described, my vote is to cut your losses and call it a wash, putting more time into a bad relationship doesn't make sense and certainly won't make it any better. JMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Cl-2nd,
Thank you for your feedback as well. I have just about come to that conclusion also. I do believe that we get stronger each time we overcome an obstacle, challenge or setback as long as we're willing to learn from them.
I am obviously not a "fast" decision-maker, and just want to make sure I've thought through everything thoroughly and will able to stick to my decision once and for all when it's made.
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