Is this really worth it?
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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:24am |
Hello,
I have been married for a little less than 3 years (second marriage for both of us), and last August, we (mostly I) decided that he would move back to his previous house in the town where he works. Until then, he had been commuting every day (about a 45 minute drive) So now we are married but living separately, and I'm just still not convinced that it's going to work long-term.
The major differences that we just couldn't work out had to do with different parenting and discipline styles, and the disciplining of my children (who were 16, 14 and 5 when we married). His children (who were 12 and 9 when we married) live with their mother. Not long after we married, DH started spending 95% of his time in our bedroom with the door closed, and came up with a rule that my children are not to enter the bedroom; however, his children could, because they don't live with us, and there were a lot of rules such as those that differed between his and my chilren, all because his "didn't live with us." The first time I realized we might have REAL problems is when he told me "I've alredy done the kindergarten thing, and really don't want to do it again!" Wow, that was like a slap in the face. Time and time again, he wanted to either discipline my children or tell me how; however, he wasn't interested in getting involved in their lives nor in helping out with dropping them off or picking them up anywhere, and just wasn't involved with them on a personal level much at all. I just couldn't convince him that he HAD to establish a relationship with them before they would respect his discipline. Prior to our getting married, he did help out with the kids a LOT, and even told me how much he liked them.
Anyway, along the way, he would just make hurtful comments. For example, my oldest son has long hair and earrings. We might be out eating, and we would see a kid we didn't know who also had long hair and earrings, and DH would say, "That kid is a thug. That's because he didn't have proper upbringing." HELLO!! MY son has long hair and earrings also, so therefore that means I didn't bring him up properly?? (mind you, this is a kid who graduated highschool at age 16 with a 4.8 GPA, and was a national merit scholar, and NEVER got into any trouble!!)
Further, DH is a teacher, and had always worked in the summers; however, after getting married, he decided he was never going to work in the summer again, and even when we were struggling to get all the bills, child support, etc., paid, he insisted on buying a trailer at the lake, going on vacations either by himself or with just his son, and I have a lot of resentment because of that. I was working my butt off while he was out playing.
SO, after 2 1/2 years of that, I just couldn't live like that any longer. The people renting his previous house moved out, and I told him he needed to move back, and that we would give living apart a try--I just wanted to give us every opportunity if there is any chance at all that we can make it work. Once you start having problems in a second marriage, you just don't want to be a "two-time quitter," ya' know? We sold our house (we had already moved twice in the 2 years we had been married, so this would be move #3--yuck!)
That brings us to today. I guess I feel like the living apart is really just disguising the real problems, and nothing has actually been solved. DH is EXTREMELY insecure in this situation, accusing me of wanting other people, etc. (and that has NEVER entered my mind--that's just not who I am) If I go out to eat or something with friends, he may call 20-30 times--it drives me CRAZY! I've turned my phone off sometimes.
When I look at it in black and white, it's pretty obvious: what benefit is there to staying married but living apart? I would be better off financially not married, I have detached myself emotionally--not intentionally, but more as an involuntary self-protection thing, I think; and the sex is very lacking. So why do I have such a hard time just cutting the ties and moving on?
Thanks for letting me vent.

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Smalltown, I think you're very wise to weigh the issue carefully before making a decision. Nobody wants to fail and nobody wants to have made a mistake, but nobody wants to (or should have to) stay in a wrong situation for life -- or for years for that matter. Being sure of your decision is the right way to go.
Best wishes for a happy, fulfilled life, Smalltown.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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