Is this reasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Is this reasonable?
13
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:21pm

I need some unbiased opinions. My hubby was married previously (well, we both were) and in that previous marriage, he had two stepchildren, a boy and girl. You have to understand that these aren't his biological children, however he did raise them most of their childhood. The daughter is the oldest and she just started college. Now hubby and I have been together five years and we have one biological child together who is two. Hubby sees his two ex-stepchildren as though they are his real children, which I was okay with originally because I'm a child of divorce and my stepdad is like my real dad.

The problem began with the way his ex-wife used to jerk him around with the kids. She was as bad as some of the biomoms people talk about on this board... BUT the thing is, the kids aren't his bio-kids, so it was even harder for me to deal with seeing him be jerked back and forth like that over children that he has no rights over. And in addition to being a real witch, for the first three years of our relationship, hubby was always telling me that he'd made her a promise he'd be there for her until she was on her feet... so it often felt like he was ignoring my feelings and placing her feelings and opinions before me. We've finally managed to get past that issue in the last couple of years, but I think that was mainly because hubby was working from home and just didn't have as much by way of resources for her to get... So that's the first problem.

The second problem is that exstepdaughter won't accept our family. She won't have anything to do with us or our shared child or my two additional children. The children have seen her maybe three times. My hubby says to give it time, but it's been FIVE YEARS! Our shared child is two years old now... So at this point, I'm more than a little upset with that situation! I feel like hubby should put his foot down and say, if you won't deal with my family, then I can't be part of your life. But hubby says he's the only dad she's ever known and that wouldn't be fair to her. I think it's not fair that she doesn't have to deal with us and she only ever calls him when she wants something... but he said that's just how kids her age are...

Anyway, the thing is, as I said, she just started college and hubby has asked me to support him in his desire to help her as much as possible financially because there's no way her mom can help her at all. My hurt feelings say screw her, if she can't accept us, I don't see the reason I should offer her any support... but the part of me that loves my hubby says I should focus on supporting HIS need to do what he thinks is right... so we're supposed to talk tonight about how he wants to go about helping her (how much $$, how often, etc.).

I'm thinking of telling him that I'll support him in helping the stepdaughter if he promises me to severe ALL communication with the mom. The way I see it, the daughter is old enough now that mom shouldn't have to be the go between for her... and the exstepbrother actually moved in with his biofather at the beginning of the summer, so there shouldn't be a reason for hubby to need to talk to her about him. While, on the other hand, every time she calls it causes me so much anxiety I become physically ill. So to me, it seems a more than reasonable request to ask him to stop having any communications with mom... I'm going to tell him I'll support him in supporting his stepdaughter but he has to promise me on our marriage that he will no longer have any communication with the ex-wife. No phone calls, no e-mails, nothing. and if he breaks that promise, then we're going to get divorced. Because that's how much it bothers me... that if I have to think of him dealing with her on and off for the rest of our married lives, I'd rather not be married. Cause I'm tired of always worrying that she's gonna pull the next trick and he's gonna fall for it and put my or our family's needs last to satisfy some whim of hers... And if I have to support him in helping the stepdaughter that rejects us, then I think it's fair for me to draw the line with the mom.

But I'm aware that I'm a bit emotional right now, somewhat premenstrual, and otherwise irritated because the ex just called here. Which is why I'm looking for a nonbiased opinion of the situation.

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 7:47pm

Kitt, I think you are being unreasonable. Blood is not the only thing that ties people together. Some people have no formal ties to others in their life that they love and care about, and want to help. I think it's wrong of you to discredit his sense of caring for children because they are not his blood. I also think it's wrong to demand he stop speaking to anyone. Unless his relationship with the ex-wife is inappropriate, it should be acceptable that he interact with her. I don't read anything that would justify you getting all worked up. He is obviously where he wants to be...don't drive him away. Parents have room in their hearts for all of those they love.

You get all worked up about sharing attention, but you can't understand how his stepdaughter has been affected by losing the only dad she has known to you and another child? She's the child who's lost, so her feelings are very understandable.

If you demand his only attention is toward who you say and on your terms, he'll just grow to resent you...and probably leave at some point.

Let him love those kids... it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or yours. Let him support them, it doesn't mean he won't support you. Sharing is something we try so hard to teach kids, but it's so easy to forget as we get to be adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 8:49pm

Okay, I can agree that in the heat of the moment when I was writing that, I was being somewhat unreasonable. But I'm only having so much sympathy for the poor little girl who lost her only father. I have three children all together-- two with my previous husband and the youngest with my current hubby-- and my older two children don't behave the way she does and she's 8 years older than my oldest. I also have a stepdaughter from my previous marriage (my older children's half sister) who is now 14... she's been to our home, she's sweet and kind to my new hubby and she treats our baby like he's another one of her siblings. So, while I understand how exstepdaughter may feel resentful, I'm only so sympathetic because SHE is the one who is keeping herself from her dad because she refuses to accept his family.

And it doesn't have to be that way. I'm a child of divorce and I have a stepfather that I adore. My stepdaughter and I have a good relationship too... My oldest son who is 10, did have some issues when hubby and I first got together, but I made it clear to him that he didn't have an option about it... that even if I and hubby were to break up, it would never make me be with his daddy again because I couldn't be happy with his daddy... and he had to get to know hubby because he was now part of his family. It wasn't easy at the very first, but now, hubby and oldest son have a good relationship with their own way of relating.

It's not about me getting attention... it's about hubby's expectation of me understanding him allowing anyone to reject his family and still want to be involved with that person. I've tried putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak, and I still can't understand it. Next to God, my hubby is top priority with me, and I would never allow anyone in my family or any of my friends to disregard him or any of my children. So I can't understand why that feeling isn't mutual. It's supposed to be okay that I completely share everything in my life with him and he's welcome in every aspect of my life, but he has this area that I can't be a part of? I've done that before... my ex and I had lots of areas that were just not shared... and guess what? We're divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 9:14pm

She is a child. She has lost TWO fathers. She probably feels she has been replaced. You get him all the time. She is apparently not as resilient as the others, or maybe they are better burying it. It's devistating for kids to repeatedly lose those they depend on. Teenage years are very difficult for girls, especially girls who feel they keep being replaced. She needs support, she needs understanding, she needs counseling. She needs your husband. Don't deny her that. Don't begrudge her because she is taking this harder than some of the other kids. The tougher kids act on the outside reflects just how fragile they are on the inside. We're the adults, we should understand that. I guarantee you Dr. Phil would read you the riot act based on a show of his I saw recently.

You shouldn't feel the need to force her to be okay with the situation and be one big happy family...it just doesn't work that way for everyone. Respect your husband for being there for her, though it is probably difficult for him to be since you want to make him choose. You both do not have to have relationships on the same level with all the people in your lives. You both should have things you do that are your own. Give him that space, and respect him for his follow through on this fragile kid.

It may take 5 more years to be apparent, but letting them have their relationship will gain you appreciation from both...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:21pm

Mom kit

Is your DH's stepdaughter disrespectful to you and to your kids the few times she's been with them? While I agree with sdlostorfound, I also feel that even if his SD won't accept his current family that she needs to be respectful of you. I don't push my DD to accept my new DH, or to develop a relationship with him. I hope they become close over time, but I don't ever push either of them, I am letting it happen naturally. One thing I demand though is that my DD be respectful of him. Whether she likes it or not, he is an adult, he is my DH, and she is a child and needs to be respectful. I don't think it's fair of your DH to ask you to put all your feelings aside and totally accept his situation, and for him to totally take into account his SD's feelings. I feel that is like saying her feelings are important, and yours are not. Has your DH talked to SD about being more respectful of your family?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:56pm

Hi...

::Which is why I'm looking for a nonbiased opinion of the situation.

Well, all I have are biased opinions, but you are welcome to them.

::the kids aren't his bio-kids, so it was even harder for me to deal with seeing him be jerked back and forth like that over children that he has no rights over.

Bio or not it doesn't matter. You do need to accept that the relatioships are important to him and you need to stand by him and give him your full support.

With that said, part of giving him full support is helping him in understanding where he needs to draw lines/boundries with his ex and with her kids. He needs to draw these lines differently in different situations, so you should do your absolute best to be as understanding and supportive as possible. With that said, that will be a hard balancing act and he will make mistakes.

I've read some of the other responses and I have to agree that your no contact position with the ex is unreasonable. However, that doesn't mean that how he has been behaving related to her is entirely appropriate. You have every right to expect to be first in his life now and for him to let go of his need to support his ex wife. Someone posts something here about that situation and I hope they ad it to this string, But basically it says that he needs to let go and really be divorced from her. You two need help in this area so that the lines can be drawn with his ex in a place that you both are comfortable with (within reason though).

Next, I do understand how come the situation with the daughter pisses you off. He needs to really be a father to her and get it across to her that her behavior towards you and your family is unacceptable. I don't know the situation with his divorce, but if you played a part in breaking up that family, you should be especially understanding her. With that said though it is up to you hubby to change this situation. He needs to be a man and address and resolve this with her.

YOU::My hurt feelings say screw her, if she can't accept us, I don't see the reason I should offer her any support... but the part of me that loves my hubby says I should focus on supporting HIS need to do what he thinks is right... so we're supposed to talk tonight about how he wants to go about helping her (how much $$, how often, etc.).

I understand your position and how it makes you feel. You need to understand that your husband feels this obligation (which I think is admirable) and if you are truly a married couple, that does make it your obligation as well (part of the fun of marrying someone with a past). With that said, it is your opportunity (the collective your) to use the leverage that he will have with her to resolve the situation. If she is unwilling to act like and adult and treat you and your familiy with the respect you deserve, you (and he) have every right to not provide for her financially. You husband needs to be on board with this position.

::You:: I'm thinking of telling him that I'll support him in helping the stepdaughter if he promises me to severe ALL communication with the mom.

I believe this would be a mistake. He will be in contact with her and that is appropriate. It is a set up to failure to say this. The contact needs to be appropriate and he needs to be really divorced from her. Stick with that.

::YOU::While, on the other hand, every time she calls it causes me so much anxiety I become physically ill. So to me, it seems a more than reasonable request to ask him to stop having any communications with mom...

Sorry, again I don't believe it is reasonable. I think you need to get in touch with why it causes you so much anxiety. This is your issue and you need to address and understand why it causes you to feel the way you do. Counseling can be a huge help for you with this.

::YOU::No phone calls, no e-mails, nothing. and if he breaks that promise, then we're going to get divorced.

If you do this, you are setting the table for a divorce from him.

::YOU::Cause I'm tired of always worrying that she's gonna pull the next trick and he's gonna fall for it and put my or our family's needs last to satisfy some whim of hers...

This is a sorce of your anxiety from above. You need to trust in your husband to do the right thing. You don't and I think couples counseling would be very helpful in drawing resolution to these issues so you can move forward and feel better in your relationship.

::YOU:: And if I have to support him in helping the stepdaughter that rejects us, then I think it's fair for me to draw the line with the mom.

They are two separate issues. Do not tie them together as one. There is his relationship with his ex and his relationship with his daughter-in-law. Do not confuse the two issues and make them one.

::YOU::But I'm aware that I'm a bit emotional right now, somewhat premenstrual, and otherwise irritated because the ex just called here.

Perfect time to post and get opinions on a situation.

::YOU::Which is why I'm looking for a nonbiased opinion of the situation.

Sorry, all I gave you were my biased opinions. I hope they were of some help. I really think this is a situation where couples (and maybe family) counseling could be very helpful. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:36pm

The few times she's been with us she basically stays to herself. She doesn't want to interact with the kids or me at all. She's not flat out rude, but when you spend the night in someone's home but spend most of your time in any room that they are not-- or out on the porch talking on your cell phone when you're supposed to be visiting with your family... well, that's rude the way I was raised... Plus, the one time she went out with us, she just kept saying, I don't want to go anywhere any of my friends might see me... and she meant that literally... when we stopped at this one restaurant, she was like, oh, dang, I'm probably gonna run into someone I know. It's like she was trying to hide that her folks had divorced or her dad was remarried.

WEll, it's obvious that I'm wrong for expecting her to ever change or for expecting my husband to force that on her in anyway. Hubby has suggested that it would be better for her and her mom to contact him via his cell phone only and now I think he's probably right. What I don't know can't stress me out, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:02pm
Well, I hope for your sake that her only calling his cell phone will help to not stress you out, but I have my doubts. What I went through wasn't the same as your situation but I did have issues with my DH ex for a while. She was constantly calling him and needing something. It is well known she wanted him back (he divorced her)and she just always needed him to "help" with some small thing that she could have done herself. He wasn't setting boundaries with her in my opinion. I may be the only one here, but I don't feel that your request that he have limited contact with his ex is unreasonable. If their (even though she's not his biological daughter) DH is in college then there is no reason for frequent calls to each other, however that is just my opinion. Out of respect for my DH I quit calling my ex as a good friend just to chat, even though we remain friends. I limited conversation to issues pertaining to our DD. I think that was being respectful and I expected the same. Once he and I really talked about my feelings, my DH started setting more boundaries with his ex. He will still talk to her about things, but when she "needs" something he will always include me. He will say "we will be over to check on it", etc. Once he started including me, the "needs" really slowed down. I think if your DH and his ex talk in front of you, then he really isn't hiding anything from you. In my opinion it just sounds like a matter of your husband needing to set boundaries with the ex and her daughter. I feel he owes his SD all the help a Father would normally give a daughter, but he owes it to you to also take into account your feelings and set boundaries with them both. As long as you are respecting them, they should give you the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:30pm

The behavior you describe is not unusual for any teenager, and really convinces me that you should rethink your position. Many teenagers act that way with biological parents in the best of situations. Considering what she has been through, it could be MUCH worse. She may not be interested in a high level of cheery involvement, but that is understandable. She obviously does not feel comfortable enough to engage you on a greater level, and is probably embarassed to have to explain yet another new parent to her friends...again understandable. If she is part of the family, she should not be expected to act as a guest and engage you in random conversation. If she is to feel welcome, she should be able to spend time by herself in her fathers house. If you view her as a visitor visiting family, she gets that vibe - and she doesn't want to be a visitor in her dad's life, I bet.

I'm sure you would prefer everone be one big happy family, minus the ex wife of course, but unfortunately not everyone can be as happy with the changes in relationships as you are. It is definitely unreasonable to demand your husband cut ties with a daughter who's worst offense is staying to herself in your house.

I realize my feeling on this is polar opposite to yours, so maybe at least somewhere in the middle would work. I'm just not one to demand people do as I want them to do, I believe you love people by allowing them to do what they need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:09pm

If you act out these feelings.....you might as well get a divorce lawyer now....cause your overwhelming desire to control other people's actions, feelings, and relationships are irrational, unhealthy, and unless these people are total co-dependents will only result in the destruction of your marriage and a total train wreck after.

Feelings of being caught in the middle, and sometimes not a priority are TOTALLY NORMAL in blended families, but the way that you manifest these with your extreme feelings and statements is very troubliing. Here is what I mean, think about your choice of words and especially adjectives to descibe this situation (CAPS to show you what I mean below). I know you say you are probably just venting.....but still even in that conext this seems awful dramatic to me. You may consider talking to a therapist and honestly sharing these feeling to see what they say....but my guess is you need some help resolving some bigger underlying issues (and I am not talking about your Stepdaughter).

<<<<...I become PHYSICALLY ILL.....promise me ON OUR MARRIAGE that he will NO LONGER HAVE ANY communication with the ex-wife. NO phone calls, NO e-mails, NOTHING. and if HE BREAKS THAT PROMISE THEN WE'RE GOING TO GET DIVORCED. Because that's HOW MUCH IT BOTHERS ME... that if I have to think of him dealing with her on and off for the REST OF our married lives, I'd RATHER NOT BE MARRIED. Cause I'm TIRED of ALWAYS WORRYING that she's gonna pull the next trick and he's gonna fall for it and put my or OUR FAMILY'S NEEDS LAST to satisfy some WHIM of hers... And if I have to support him in helping the stepdaughter that REJECTS us, then I think it's fair for me to draw the line with the mom.>>>>

So yes I think you are being irrational, and I am concerned that it is more than just venting, and you should consider getting some help so you have a chance to resolve some of the issues driving these feelings, before they destroy your current marriage.

Not sure that is unbiased but anyways that is one opinion, Best wishes, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:25pm

I'm not expecting her to change into a new person. But she's only been willing to visit us 2 times in five years-- and both times, it was only because her mom was going away and we were the only place she could stay at the time... that was before she was old enough to be home alone with her younger brother. And while I understand that teenagers don't hang under you, you would have had to be here to see that she was not just hanging by herself, but making a definite move to be in any area of the house that me or my children were not in. To the point that I spent the majority of her visit up in my bedroom because I felt like I was making her uncomfortable. And this is in direct contrast to her brother who is as at home here as my children. But he's always been willing to at least try to give us a chance... let me tell you, it's not easy as a mother to see someone shrink away from your four year old's touch and that's what she did when my four year old daughter went to give her a hug... And my four year old wasn't trying to force anything on her, she's just that kind of kid who hugs all the people she meets and no one is really a stranger. She was all excited to think that she was going to get to spend time with her "cool" new big teenage sister and by the end of a few minutes, my daughter was upstairs in her room upset because she didn't understand why stepdaughter didn't want to talk to her...

Look, maybe you have had the experience of being a stepdaughter with an evil stepmother or whatever, but I can assure you, the worst thing I've ever done to get in her space is to talk to her about staying more in touch with her dad because she generally only calls him when she wants something or is mad at her mom. And I wasn't trying to alienate her, hubby's whole family notices this behavior and actually feel that she is just trying to use him. I'm the one that's always defending his involvement with her to them (his mother, father, brother and sister-in-law). Heck, I even argued with hubby about speaking badly about her mom to her because I felt he was teaching her to disrespect her mother and that he should be pointing out that her mom had been struggling to keep her in the lifestyle that she had prior to being divorced... I'm not an evil stepmother who just wants her gone... I've simply been wanting her to give us a chance to extend caring to her.

But whatever, it doesn't matter, cause it's like the saying goes-- you can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. I'm at the point that it's her loss... my goal is to focus on how hubby and I can come up with a solution that allows him to be there for her without me feeling used or abused by the situation.

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