Is this reasonable?
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| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:21pm |
I need some unbiased opinions. My hubby was married previously (well, we both were) and in that previous marriage, he had two stepchildren, a boy and girl. You have to understand that these aren't his biological children, however he did raise them most of their childhood. The daughter is the oldest and she just started college. Now hubby and I have been together five years and we have one biological child together who is two. Hubby sees his two ex-stepchildren as though they are his real children, which I was okay with originally because I'm a child of divorce and my stepdad is like my real dad.
The problem began with the way his ex-wife used to jerk him around with the kids. She was as bad as some of the biomoms people talk about on this board... BUT the thing is, the kids aren't his bio-kids, so it was even harder for me to deal with seeing him be jerked back and forth like that over children that he has no rights over. And in addition to being a real witch, for the first three years of our relationship, hubby was always telling me that he'd made her a promise he'd be there for her until she was on her feet... so it often felt like he was ignoring my feelings and placing her feelings and opinions before me. We've finally managed to get past that issue in the last couple of years, but I think that was mainly because hubby was working from home and just didn't have as much by way of resources for her to get... So that's the first problem.
The second problem is that exstepdaughter won't accept our family. She won't have anything to do with us or our shared child or my two additional children. The children have seen her maybe three times. My hubby says to give it time, but it's been FIVE YEARS! Our shared child is two years old now... So at this point, I'm more than a little upset with that situation! I feel like hubby should put his foot down and say, if you won't deal with my family, then I can't be part of your life. But hubby says he's the only dad she's ever known and that wouldn't be fair to her. I think it's not fair that she doesn't have to deal with us and she only ever calls him when she wants something... but he said that's just how kids her age are...
Anyway, the thing is, as I said, she just started college and hubby has asked me to support him in his desire to help her as much as possible financially because there's no way her mom can help her at all. My hurt feelings say screw her, if she can't accept us, I don't see the reason I should offer her any support... but the part of me that loves my hubby says I should focus on supporting HIS need to do what he thinks is right... so we're supposed to talk tonight about how he wants to go about helping her (how much $$, how often, etc.).
I'm thinking of telling him that I'll support him in helping the stepdaughter if he promises me to severe ALL communication with the mom. The way I see it, the daughter is old enough now that mom shouldn't have to be the go between for her... and the exstepbrother actually moved in with his biofather at the beginning of the summer, so there shouldn't be a reason for hubby to need to talk to her about him. While, on the other hand, every time she calls it causes me so much anxiety I become physically ill. So to me, it seems a more than reasonable request to ask him to stop having any communications with mom... I'm going to tell him I'll support him in supporting his stepdaughter but he has to promise me on our marriage that he will no longer have any communication with the ex-wife. No phone calls, no e-mails, nothing. and if he breaks that promise, then we're going to get divorced. Because that's how much it bothers me... that if I have to think of him dealing with her on and off for the rest of our married lives, I'd rather not be married. Cause I'm tired of always worrying that she's gonna pull the next trick and he's gonna fall for it and put my or our family's needs last to satisfy some whim of hers... And if I have to support him in helping the stepdaughter that rejects us, then I think it's fair for me to draw the line with the mom.
But I'm aware that I'm a bit emotional right now, somewhat premenstrual, and otherwise irritated because the ex just called here. Which is why I'm looking for a nonbiased opinion of the situation.
Thanks.

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Orangecuse, I very much agree with you. Kitt should go back and read her posts. Her husband and his (step)daughter are in a tough spot with her demanding they choose to meet her unreasonable demands or get out of her life. Her last posts indicates she spends his daughter's visits up in her room...that speaks volumes. Imagine the message that sends to everyone else. It certainly isn't considerate, thoughtful, or welcoming. In addition, the anger reflected in her posts is sure to be flowing out of her in the presence of all.
I think Kitt is seething that she cannot control this young girl, and won't quit until she can control her husband or forces him out. For the sake of them all, I hope Kitt seeks counselling. She may be the one most in need, based on her own posts.
Sorry for the tough comments, Kitt, but you really need to step back and think about what you're doing...it sounds like you are unaware you are orchestrating a trainwreck.
I realize you only get my admittedly heated up version of everything... maybe because this is a safe place to come and vent... Obviously if I had no sense of reason what-so-ever, or if i was just this serious control freak that you are making me out to be, we wouldn't be five years into things with the situation the same. As for me being in my room during stepdaughter's visits... you tell me what you would do if every time you come into a room with a person, they become obviously uncomfortable and find a reason to leave until you've gone. I could have stayed around and forced my presence on her, but then she wouldn't have spent anytime with her dad... If I was that awful, her brother wouldn't have begged to come and live with us because he found our home more warm and peaceful than his mom's. Because I'm an adult, I'm not supposed to get my feelings hurt when I extend myself and am rejected out of turn? Or even worse, have to watch my children be rejected?
Yes I realize I have other issues about the mom, but once again, you only know as much of the situation as I vented about yesterday. My husband has admitted that earlier in our relationship he wasn't emotionally divorced from the ex and because of that, put me through situations that he shouldn't have... and those things happened while I was pregnant and unable to work, so totally dependent on him to meet the needs of my children and myself. So yeah, I have some security issues, but they exist because of our previous experience... And mostly, I've worked my way through them... yesterday was just a bad trigger day at a time where our life is already in upheaval with changes... good changes, but changes that can be scary W/O adding issues from stepdaughter and ex-wife. Even the sweetest dog will bite back if you push him into a corner for too long...
Anyway, thanks for all the advice. You did give me a different insight into why stepdaughter might not be handling the divorce and remarriage as well as the others... she is the only one who's bio father isn't involved in her life and she learned only recently that bio father and bio mother were never married... I got a chance to get my vent out and feel like someone was allowing me to have "not so nice" feelings without having to stuff them away and always be the bigger person. And that was what I was really needing, a place where I could be a brat for a bit and have my temper tantrum before going back to being the responsible, understanding one... So thanks for all that...
Biomom: I think restricting his contact with her would be a huge mistake that would only cause problems between you and your husband by asking him to treat someone (either you or her) in a way that he doesn't feel right. It would be a no-win situation for him, whatever he chose wouldn't feel right. No good will come of that.
SD: I've got to tell you, I'm the mother of an 18-year old, and more often than I'd like I'm so pissed off at him I can't see straight. If a kid's own mother feels that way, I can only imagine how a SD would feel dealing with an 18-year old's behavior. At that age, they know everything, and nothing is more important than them, what they want, what they feel, what they think. *Beating head against desk* At that age they are so into themselves it can be a struggle just to converse with them when things are going good. I suspect her attitude is not only based on her hurt feelings, her upset at her family being broken up as well as being on her opinionated and "all knowing" ideals. I will also say that most kids hold out hope that their parents will reunite, no matter what their age. The fact that you're married to her Stepfather and have a child with him pretty much puts a damper on that dream. That gives her reason to despise you and your children right there. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's the way it is.
You might be able to make some headway with her by approaching her in an understanding way when she's there to visit, holed up in her room. I would wait until you know you can have a few uninterrupted minutes with her, then go and sit with her. Tell her that you understand that this isn't what she wanted. I'd tell her that you understand she's upset about having this woman (you), and these kids appear in her life without her invitation or approval. You might relay your own story about how you felt about your SF as a way to gain some ties of understanding between you. I'd tell her you hope she'll be willing to accept you all and join in someday and that you look forward to that day. Then I'd leave her to think about it, unless of course, she wants to talk. If you can show her you understand you stand a good chance of turning the tide sooner or later. The trick is in not commenting on the incredible statements that can come out of an 18-year old's mouth. Sheesh, do I sound as angry and hateful as I think I do? I sincerely hope not, they're just very self centered, it's the age they're at, it's normal.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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