Rebelling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2012
Rebelling
11
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 10:28pm

Okay so my partner and I have been together for a very long time but are new to living together. We have different opinions about what is and isn't okay when it comes to our home and what happens there. We've compromised a lot over the past couple months but there are three things we've agreed on. I mean granted they were my three things that I didn't want to budge on but she agreed to them. Then not long after I found out that when I'm not home she doesn't really care about my 'rules' and does whatever she wants. All three of those rules have been broken and she doesn't understand why I get upset. i told her it feels like a lack of respect because it is also my home and we agreed upon these things. I don't like that I can't trust her when I'm not around. I mean she thinks it isn't a big deal but I see it as a sign of something else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: anyon
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 1:58am
What kind of rules are you talking about? As an ADULT, I could not imagine me or my H giving each other a list of house rules we have to follow. Isn't that something you usually give to children or teenagers?
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: anyon
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 5:00am
I agree with peaceyma - your choice of words like "rebelling" and "rules" sounds like you're treating her like a child. I can understand if something bothers you and you ask her not to do it out of consideration for you but maybe the reason she is "rebelling" is because she feels like making a list of "rules" that she has to follow is very controlling of you. You say she agreed to them but then admit "they were my three things" - which suggests she may not have been happy with the agreement but felt she had no choice.

That said, I also agree with peaceyma that we need to know what these three things are before we can really decide whether they are reasonable things to ask of someone or not. Even if they are, I think the problem may lie with your approach of the situation.

But ultimately, you also need to be aware that living with someone means accepting that they WILL do things that annoy you. My parents have been happily married for 36 years and my dad still drives my mom crazy by leaving his clothes on the floor, sometimes literally right next to the hamper. Eventually, you have to accept that in some regards, people will never change, no matter how much it annoys you, no matter how many "rules" you make. You then have to decide if it's something you can live with or not. My mom decided a long time ago that as much as it annoys her that my dad leaves his clothes on the floor, it is not worth ending the relationship over. So she's learned to stop nagging him about it because she knows he'll never change in this regard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: anyon
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 11:23am

We definitely need detail on the rules. For example, no smoking in the house, and then she does when you aren;t around I would agree is a problem. If its something like, the temperature is alway 72 degrees, well, I might have a problem with that if I'm at home and i'm hot.

Did she get to lay down 3 laws as well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: anyon
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 4:31pm

I have to admit that I'm curious of what those three rules are.

However, if she agreed, she should honor that agreement unless circumstances have changed significantly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: anyon
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 12:23am
glenn1962 wrote:

I have to admit that I'm curious of what those three rules are.

However, if she agreed, she should honor that agreement unless circumstances have changed significantly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: anyon
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 11:50am

I'm also wondering if she "agreed" to these "rules" just to appease the BF because he's an unreasonable guy who always wants his own way & it's just easier to say yes and then do what she wants anyway instead of arguing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: anyon
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 6:19pm
Oh that would really tork me off if HE could do it and then he turned around and yelled at the kids for the same thing. Like only the KING of the house can do it. Sounds like he was way too controlling. Bet you were glad when he did move out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: anyon
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 9:28pm
peaceyma wrote:
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: anyon
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 9:09am

So what's the consequence for breaking your "rules"? If you have rules but no way of following through if they are broken, then you have set yourself up for failure.

If she has already broken all three agreements she made with you, then you have to decide whether or not you can continue to live with someone who a) doesn't honor her agreements and b) doesn't live in a way that is harmonious with your lifestyle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
In reply to: anyon
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 9:12am
I wish you would come back and elaborate on your rules -- I'm dying to know what they are!

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