Rebound Boy-friend-Chance in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Rebound Boy-friend-Chance in the future?
4
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:14am

Hi there:

My newly ex-boyfriend (30) and I decided to take some time apart after about one month dating. His ex called him saying that she is pregnant (she will get an abortion though) from a one-night-stand they had after they broke up and he did not know anymore what to think. He was totally confused and did not know anymore what he wanted. Now he did not go back with her but he is not ready to go into a relationship with me or anyone for that matter. They broke up one month before he met me. I did not know that.
He said he never thought of cheating while we were together but would have cheated on her in a second...He also is currently reading a book that I bought for him while we were still together...it is about trust...He generally has trust issues...did not trust her, but said he did trust me...He still listens to my thoughts though, checking my profile and reading my blogs on myspace...Listening to my advice...

I have decided that when he comes back, he has to change a couple of things about himself (such as stop smoking) so I am not settling for something myself...

Does our relationship has a chance after he is off the rebound? Please help me because I fell for him and have trouble getting over him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:54am

Welcome back, Dauda79 ~


Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions:


His Ex-girlfriend is pregnant - Time Out


I'll be back after work with my thoughts.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:32pm

dauda79,

His ex better have that abortion quickly if I'm timing everything right she should be what 8 weeks by now?? Course, I guess they can go to 12, but it just makes the whole process harder. So is she FOR SURE having one or is she still undecided??

Well whatever the case this guy is going to need some time and space. He's going to need time to grieve for the loss of that relationship and the loss of his unborn child. You are going to have to let him. I know it's hard, you fell for him, but remember you were only together for 3 weeks. That really is a short time and although I know a person can develope feelings in that short of time, it's not long enough at all to know if the person is "the one" for you.

<>

hahahaha! Sorry I just had to laugh. Not to be mean here dear, but you can't decide for him to change things. He has to decide that. You can't go off all half cocked about what you want him to change, demanding this and that or else you won't stay with him blah blah blah. He'll look at you and see a controlling B and walk the other way. Atleast that's what I would do if I was him. Sorry. My DH smokes, has along time before we were even together. I have told him that I don't like and would like him to stop (notice the words "like him to"), but you know what... he's still doing it. Not out of disrespect, but out of the fact that unless a person "wants" to quit smoking they won't. If they don't want to the cravings will haunt them too much.

Honey if you have to "change" a man in order to think that you aren't settling then he isn't the guy for you.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:35am

Dauda79, my honest thoughts about this guy is that he is extremely dysfunctional in relationships. He trusts you more than anyone after three weeks, his nine-year old is in on his adult problems and relationships (his daughter shouldn't even know you exist at the 3-week stage of your relationship and that's another serious issue), he's in an off and on relationship with a woman he's known for years as an "untrustworthy liar" and a "heartless bitch". When she gets pregnant he's not sure whether he's going to get back together with her or not. There were more concerns, but these are more than enough to illustrate my point. All of these things scream "serious dysfunction". You won't be able to have a healthy, functional relationship with him because he's not capable. He's fully comfortable and sure of himself in what he's doing, he sees nothing wrong with his style and his choices; this is who he is and how he operates. A book on trust is not going to fix him. It might get him thinking about his trust issues, but he'll be years away from resolving those and will need a therapist to make any real progress to do it. Relationships are not projects. You can't pick somebody out and decide to work with them or on them, to make them better, healthier, happier, etc. If you want a project, get a hobby, if you want a relationship, you need to find a man who's what he needs to be now, not someday in the future if he changes. Defleppardgal nailed it. If he has to change in order for you not to be settling, you are settling. If someone is right for you, nothing needs to change in him or her. If you need him to change to be right, it's not right. You don't pick someone then try to make them into what you want, or try to persuade them to want to change themselves. Your job is to observe who they are and how they are. If everything is good, then great. If things aren't what you want/need them to be, he's not right, period; even if it's *almost* right, or right *except* this one thing. You're three weeks into this and you've already identified several things that need to change. The answer is clear and right in front of you. If you're already seeing things that aren't right, the relationship is not going to work.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to let him go and move on. I'd really urge you to take a look at why you're so hooked into anyone after just 21 days together and why you're thinking insisting he change himself is appropriate or healthy. Is it typical of you to get so hooked in so early?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 1:02am

I have decided that when he comes back, he has to change a couple of things about himself (such as stop smoking) so I am not settling for something myself...


From experience this doesn't work.

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