In regard to spouses, disrespect, possible cheating, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
In regard to spouses, disrespect, possible cheating, etc.
57
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 3:37am

In the situation being discussed it was said that the husband is not in control of how the co-worker behaves towards him. That's not true. People will treat you as you allow them to.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I don't think that my first instinct would be to pound the other woman; after all, it was (hypothetically) my SO's decision to cheat or lead her on, wasn't it? Why do so many of us women want to ATTACK one another? Why is it not the cheater/liar/sneak's fault himself, first and foremost? Outside forces like other women can't do any damage without your SO's consent.

The only time I'd give the OW a solid beating would be if she confronted me personally, but hopefully my guy would have been kind enough to alert her to the fact that I study Muay Thai.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Understanding what it's like to do it doesn't make it healthy, and it is always possible to make the healthy, non-violent choice. Especially if one thinks ahead and can envision themselves making the healthy non-violent choice in the face of extremely difficult circumstances. If one thinks ahead and envisions a "what if" scenario that involves pounding someone, it's going to be easier to follow through. If you can see yourself doing it, you can usually do it. That's true for being non-violent as well.

The greater your self control, the more likely you can control yourself in extreme situations. People who pound others lack self control. Whether it happens once or it happens all the time, it's not what is going on outside the violent person, the difference between being violent and being non-violent is what that person is doing on the inside. The less your self control, the easier it is to justify pounding someone when you feel hurt.

Same goes for cheating. Cheating happens when there is a lack of self control. People with good self control can avoid cheating no matter what opportunities are presented to them. People without any self control may cheat regularly, people with some self control may only cheat when they are faced with extreme circumstances. But cheating and lack of self control go hand in hand just like violence and lack of self control go hand in hand.

If there were three people, a husband who cheats on his wife with her friend, the friend who is willing to betray her friend, and the wife who pounds the friend when she finds out - the one thing they would all have in common is a lack of self control.
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001

Many times a woman is making a play for a man and the and the man is oblivious to her intentions.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Oh I agree, and I can't see myself ever resorting to that. But I guess it's just one of those things that you never know how you're going to react to until you are in the situation yourself. Most people just fantasize about what they'd like to do and don't actually go thru with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008

The guys in my family all practice jiu jitsu. I think I know enough to get someone to the ground and hold another person in an arm bar until the police arrived to arrest that person. Self defense I think I can do.

I've never been attacked but I did have a woman once who THOUGHT I was sleeping with her husband. She had just had a baby and was clearly not connected with reality. I was engaged to be married and busy with that, I had no interest in her husband whatsoever and didn't know him at all on a personal level, never once interacted with him socially and had nothing other than a professional relationship with him. But she didn't like that a woman had been hired to work at the establishment, and she wanted me to quit. She defaced my car, slashed my tires at night outside of my home (twice), and confronted me in person. I had nothing to tell her. I remained my calm composure every time. Then she called me in the middle of the night to tell me I had ruined her marriage (seriously, I didn't even know her husband other than at work, and back then I was very happy to be marrying my ex). She sounded so unstable and seemed to be willing to stop at nothing. I had seen one of the slashes in my tires had been made with a very large knife, which did scare me. I knew the only reason she knew my phone number and my address is she had gained access to my personal information in her husband's office (all employees personal information was kept in his office). I felt that was a breech of privacy and told the regional manager, and quit.

Nowadays I think I'd let the regional manager know what is going on sooner. Her husband repeatedly apologized to me for the trouble she caused me, I felt bad for him and I thought maybe she was going trough some post-partum stuff, I knew it was nothing I had done but seriously, it was ridiculous.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
If a husband is gullible enough to be drawn in, THAT is a problem. You can't go around and stop every woman he might encounter from drawing him in unless you are by his side 100%. I am a wife, so I will protect my marriage by being a wife, not a body guard.
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I agree that sitting and doing nothing isn't acceptable, but do you think in this instance it is best to talk to the other woman about it? Or make the conversation between you and your husband? I can't imagine picking up the phone and giving the OW a piece of my mind. That makes me look nuts and jealous and as though I need to circumvent my own relationship in order to attack her. It's like playing mommy and doing a man's dirty work for him, I couldn't respect myself for doing that if he wasn't able to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

My opinion is if you are going to engage in inappropriate behavior, you best be prepared to suffer the consequences.

And if that inappropriate behavior is to engage in actions that cause distress to a third party, then you are knowingly opening yourself up to reprecussions beyond your direct actions.

So, if you are going to knowingly get involved with an already committed individual.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Exactly. And never underestimate the violence part when a man finds out another man is sleeping with his wife. I've seen more than one man really get pounded for this. I think the old saying "If you're gonna play, then you're gonna pay" could be accurate here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
As an employee's spouse, would you have grounds to file a formal complaint with HR? I think that only works in the military.

What would you say? "I'm Joe's wife and Sue has been disrespecting me, make her stop it right now."? What would you expect HR can or would do about it?
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink