Relationship going downhill, what to do?
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Relationship going downhill, what to do?
| Sun, 05-07-2006 - 10:34am |
I have been with my boyfriend for now a year and a half and we have been living together for 9 months now. Our relationship was great at the beginning, we had our problems but this only made the relationship stronger. The thing is, the problems came from outside our relationship (i.e. friends) so my boyfriend and I stuck together and this only made our relationship stronger. We decided that we were ready to move in together after 10 months of being together. At the beginning, it was a bit difficult, we would fight and find our passion wasn't as strong because we were now living together and almost always with one another. We thought that this was only a result of adjusting to living together but now 9 months later we still have our issues. We have had a couple of serious fights where we didn't speak for a couple of days. These fights stemmed from bottled up issues that came out in periods of stress (i.e. work and school). Our relationship is way more distanced now and there is barely any passion in it. I am finding myself not interested in sex anymore, whereas before I couldn't get enough of it. I have thought about ending the relationship many times but something always pulls me back towards it. I am wondering if I am just holding on for nothing or if there is any way to make it better. We have talked about it before and came with solutions to the problems, but we never pullthrough on them. It always seems to come back to the same thing. It's like a vicious cycle. I feel that my partner is selfish and only does things to get something in return. I am very independent so this might be putting a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do anymore and any advice would be helpful!

candygirl_66,
I'm finding it kind of hard to respond without knowing some of the "issues" that you and your BF have had. So if you want, can you give some examples??
I'll be back later,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
The issues we had at the beginning of the relationship were related to my friends not liking my boyfriend but those seem to have resolved. The issues we are having now are communication and that we don't really work as a team, instead we are more independent and it feels more like we are roommates than boyfriend/girlfriend. We aren't very affectionnate with each other and don't show our love for each other. We have talked about this before and came to resolutions to solve this which lasted maybe 1-2 weeks and then things went back to how they were before. This results in me being frustrated and feeling resent towards my boyfriend. We both like to have our way and can be quite stubborn and selfish at times. I like to do many things, like go out and socialize whereas he prefers to stay home and is very cheap. This is another source of conflict.
I hope I gave you enough insight into the situation, if you have any questions you can ask me.
Thanks!
candygirl_66,
Thanks for the information. Without knowing why your friends didn't like him I really can't get in to things. However, I will say that people don't "just" don't like someone. Usually the person does something that gets that reaction. If you don't want to divulage that information, that's fine. That is if you even know, which I would think that your friends would have told you. I'm assuming they have, so now all you have to do is ask yourself if they are valid in their feelings??
You never really said if you were really wanting to leave or not. So here is suggestions that are for both.
One thing I noticed is that you said that you don't show affection for eachother, you work on it but it falls back after a couple of weeks. Have you ever really looked at yourself as to why YOU in particular aren't. If you are wanting to try for this then really try. You probably will be the only one working at it, but who knows maybe by doing small things it will increase his motivation to do the same. Have dinner ready for him when he gets home everynight this week. Make his lunch in the morning before he leaves for work. Maybe put some notes in those lunches for him to find. Hide a stuffed animal in his car for him to find. Pack a picnic and go to the park. The fire in relationships (that keeps the passion and affection) aren't like those candles that you can't blow out. They need wood, air (but not too much), work, attention and time. You have to feed them every day. You can't work for a few days and then expect the flames to stay. So if you choose to start doing things like above you are going to have to do it for the rest of your time together. Don't just do it for a few weeks and then stop.
As for your issues, if I assume correctly that you two are young still (early 20's) then I would say your feelings that something is missing probably isn't going to "get better" with time. You both are developing into who you are going to become. He's more of a home body and you are social. It's probably not going to change and actually it shouldn't. You each deserve the right to become who you want and have the things you like. It's just now your responsibility to make sure you are with someone who is compatiable. Don't be like alot of girls out there who continuely to try and fit a square peg in a round hole.
If you are not wanting to try then you need to both be free to find people you fit better with. I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but if the compatability isn't there, it's just going to be always that much more work. Relationships and marriage is tough already without having added obsticals that were placed there by the people in them. Some would say that it would be worth it, some would say it wouldn't. Which one are you??
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
It's hard to say what the problem that your facing now is. You say you think about ending it, but get drawn back in. By what? Sometimes we stay in relationships not because they're good or right, but because it's what we're used to. Leaving is scary and it can be hard to see that things are *all that bad*; it can be hard to recognize that a good relationship would be so much better than the one we're in. Sometimes you feel like you love someone but it's really more that you're used to them and feel something more than neutral; that doesn't make it love and it doesn't make it worth staying in.
You've mentioned a couple of things that I see that are big problem causers in relationships. You mentioned that you're together almost all the time. Not good. Being together *all the time* makes your relationship grow stale. You have nothing to say to each other because you both already know everything. Ever heard the expression, "How can I miss you if you won't got away"? That's not as much a joke as it sounds. Spending time alone is very important whether you're living together or married. You both need your time; it rejuvenates you, makes you appreciate each other more and it gives you new experiences and information (from talking to the friends and others you were with) to share with each other -- new things to share and talk about, and that makes your relationship more interesting, and gives you two conversations to have. You both need a good amount of time out with your friends and or out on your own, without each other. It's a must.
You said that your communication isn't good. Some of that might resolve by spending time away from each other. There are some great articles on constructing arguing in our Information and Resources section:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
There are also a series that's very good:
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
One or both might be helpful to you. You said you come up with solutions but never pull through on them. Are you talking about both of you agreeing to work on things then not, do you start out doing well then slide back to the same old way, or is one of you not doing what was agreed upon? That makes a big difference. What kinds of problems are you talking about here, and what kind of agreements are made to attempt to resolve them? I have ideas for suggestions, but I'm not sure which would be appropriate without understanding what kind of things you're agreeing to resolve.I have to say to, you said a few things that put up big red flags for me. You said some of the problems stem from him being selfish and only doing things to get something in return. This is a characteristic, a trait, it's who he is, and it's not going to change. If you can live with it happily, great, if not, I'd say staying in the relationship probably won't make for a happy life. You also said you're very independent and that causes problems. This is another trait, characteristic that's also not going to change. Being independent isn't something that should cause problems in a relationship -- unless the person you're in a relationship with does not like independence. If that's the case, finding a partner who appreciates and agrees with your independence is the way to go. Both these issues aren't things that are going to change. Spending your lives butting heads about things that wouldn't be problems if you were with partners you were compatible with doesn't make a lot of sense. It ends up that you're working hard to keep a relationship that's not good alive, whereas, if the relationship was good, it wouldn't be any work at all. That hardly makes sense, does it?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My friends didn't like him because he supposedly backstabbed one of my friends. We were all friends prior to me and my boyfriend getting together. He then supposedly lied too and we almost broke up about this at the beginning of the relationship. So as you can see we have had our share of problems and this is why I am wondering if this relationship is worth fighting for anymore. The problem with my friends now are resolved finally and I thought this was the cause of our relationship problems but obviously it isn't.
At some points, I seriously thought of leaving. After our last fight (which was about 1 month ago) I told him I wasn't sure if I still loved him and that I thought our relationship wasn't working out. Also, I told him I didn't know if I saw a future for us, like if I saw the relationship working in the long run. He didn't seem to agree with this, saying that we could make it work.
The reason I am not showing as much affection is that I am unsure about my feelings for him and resent him because I find he is selfish. I already cook supper every night and do all the dishes and housework, this is one of the reasons I am upset also because he doesn't do anything around the house. I advised him of this yesterday and he cleaned up a bit of his stuff but we will see how long it will last. This relationship is something very different and difficult for me because I have never had a long-term relationship before and I don't know what to expect.
We are both in our 20s and I already see that the fact that something is missing in our relationship is not getting better, it is deteriorating the relationship. If something isn't done soon to change it I am scared it will be over. I really don't know if it's worth it, I have been pondering this for the last 6 months at least. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. I don't know if it's because I'm too demanding but I think I deserve better treatment than this.
Thanks for the advice cl!
Our relationship did start rocky because there were trust issues at the beginning (my friends telling me my boyfriend was lying to me). I never found out the truth but I decided to put it behind me. I sometimes think that this relationship should have never happened and it was doomed from the start. I get drawn back into the relationship when we talk things over and I think that we can work things out. Also, I like the security, the fact of having a boyfriend. I know this is completely wrong of me and I shouldn't think this way. This is also my first long-term relationship therefore I don't know what to expect and what is considered to be "normal". I don't even think I love my boyfriend anymore, and I told him this after our talk following our last fight (about 1 month ago).
You might have misunderstood me when I said we are together almost all the time. We aren't because have our separate things (ex: school, work). What I meant by together most of the time was that we saw each other everyday now (because we are living together) as opposed to a few days a week.
I will definitely try some of those communication ressources. I'm sure they won't hurt! lol
We both agree to work on things and then we stop after 2 weeks. We agree on having better communication, telling the other when something is bothering us, showing more affection towards each other and working more as a team because we feel disconnected.
I agree that I cannot change him but I think he needs to make an effort to not be as selfish because I don't think being selfish has any room in a relationship. The person who is constantly giving will eventually have enough of it and get fed up and leave. I really do need to evaluate if we are compatible or not and I have to accept the fact that I cannot change him.
Thanks for the insight!
I'm not sure if this has been suggested already or not, but a really good book to read is Are You The One For Me
Candygirl, I don't think I misunderstood, I didn't think you were together 24/7, I thought you were together pretty much all the time throughout your off time (when you're not at school or work), is that pretty much what's happening? You both need down time (away from school and work) that doesn't involve each other. Evenings out with the girls having a great time, weekends away, it's all very important and it will make your relationship better. When your down time always involves each other it becomes stale, boring, a chore, mundane. You need other experiences. This isn't just for you, it's important for everyone, at any age, whether you're dating, living together or married.
Your age might be playing a part in this too. How old are you and your boyfriend. It might sound lame, but if you don't think you're in love with your boyfriend anymore, you probably aren't.
You say you two agree to work on things, then stop after two weeks. What things are you agreeing to work on? That could well play a part too.
I have to tell you, even if you don't want to hear it, that you might feel that no one should be selfish in a relationship, and most people would agree with you. However, that can not and will not change your boyfriend's behavior. The only way he's going to change his selfishness is if he doesn't like it and he doesn't like how he is. If he is unhappy with himself without you complaining or calling attention to his actions, if he wants to change and he'd want to change whether you were with him or not, that's when he'll change -- not before. Changing yourself is hard work and the kind of drive and desire to make those kinds of changes only come from a deep desire within yourself. Nobody and nothing else can put that drive and desire there. If he's agreeing to change because you don't like it, it's not going to happen. He might go through the motions, but he's going to fall back to who he really is and how he really is. Nobody can go through the motions of being someone they don't really care to be for very long. Another thing to realize is that while you may feel that he shouldn't be that way in a relationship, someone out there would be perfectly fine with him just as he is. That doesn't make either of you wrong or right, it just means you're not compatible. You have different beliefs, character and expectations than he does. Someone else, with different beliefs, character and expectations would think he's just fine as he is. And there's someone else who agrees 100% with your thoughts, beliefs, expectations and character too. But you aren't the girl who thinks he's okay the way you are and he's not the guy who agrees with your way of thinking either.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/9/2006 1:16 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"